Week 16 (and Final) Review

Hi All,

I hope that everyone had a great Christmas or other seasonal/religious holiday, depending on what you celebrate. We are nothing if not diverse at the Commissioner’s Office and try to be cognizant of other beliefs, etc. Yeah, yeah, blah-blah-blah. Who am I kidding – THIS IS FOOTBALL!

If you haven’t seen all of the results by now… c’mon, wake up and smell the freakin’ coffee already! It’s been our best and most entertaining season of fantasy football. Congratulations to the Nashville Nitwits (first place), Texas Twisters (second place, you unbelievably lucky duck), and the Sidehill Gougers (third place)!

Most Improved Manager of the Year – Bob Trame (HIGHWAY HAWGZ, aka Highway Hogz, aka Red Hot Skillet). Bob-o debuted with our friends and family league in 2005. The first two years he finished in the bottom half of the league (last year 10 of 10), however this year he made a definite statement with his team. All of the many days and weeks listening to the sportstalk shows on the radio while on the road has paid off for him. This year Bob started off in first place and never looked back, holding on to the top spot for the entire season. Well done, Bob-o!

Rookie Manager of the Year – Adam Young (Belmont Boozers). Also the most coveted team name of the year, the Boozers pulled off an 8-5 season with a team consisting of faceless wonders. No one expected the Boozers to do as well as they did. Adam, you can tell ‘em all that it was because of your managerial skill. How else could you squeeze blood from a turnip? Just goes to show that the so-called marquis players don’t necessarily make the best fantasy football players.

Best Smacktalk of the Season – Clark Alkire (Sidehill Gougers). From Week 1 against the Highway Hogz: “May the fleas of 1,000 camels nest in your crotch.” I may have misquoted that, but I think you can get the gist of it.

Best Smacktalk Rivalry – The Brothers Trame (Texas Twisters and Highway Hawgz). The war that pitted brother against brother in the mid 1800’s was later named the Civil War. This UN-civil war turned out the to be some of the best entertainment of the season! Thanks, guys, and we all hope that it was all in the name of brotherly love.

Most Points Scored – Sidehill Gougers: 1181 points. Had we set up the league to be a points scoring system rather than a head-to-head scoring system, our finalists would have been:

1. Sidehill Gougers – 1181 points


2. Highway Hawgz – 1143 points


3. Nashville Nitwits – 1125 points

The Commissioner’s Office is researching some suggestions, specifically the idea that we make our league a keeper league. If you know of a site that has a keeper league that’s free and isn’t too complicated, send an email to the Commish. Also, if you have an opinion, one way or the other, on keeper leagues or seasonal leagues, or just fantasy football in general, send the Commish an email.

Thanks, everyone, for a fun season. Have a great New Year, and we’ll look for you next season.

The Football Widow

Week 15 Review

Hi All,

I don’t know about you guys but its been a brutal semi-finals week for me. Once again I made the mistake of thinking that I had it all figured out. The FF Gods are messing with my little mind, and apparently it isn’t too hard to do. Let’s take a look at how it all came tumbling down….

Can you believe that the season is almost over for our league? What will we do? Who will we talk football to on the nights when there is no game? This is a real dilemma here. I haven’t adopted the moniker of “Football Widow” for nothing. The other day I asked my husband, “what did we talk about when it wasn’t football season?” It’s a fair question, and his only response was to chuckle. (I guess I should have asked him during a commercial break – less competition from the TV screen.) Well, maybe I’ll actually get some work done when I’m in front of a computer now. And maybe I’ll even meet people in real life and make friends. You know what I mean, something like… uh… I don’t know… like getting a life. Yeah, that’s it!

In the consolation bracket, the Belmont Boozers pulled off an unprecedented act of being the only team in the league to defeat the Highway Hogz twice. Yup, the only team to do so. Adam, you can wear your badge of honor with pride. The Boozers advance to the playoff game for 5th place. Meanwhile the Hogz are licking their wounds, stunned by the recent ugly turn of events. Bob-o, all I can say is maybe you should chuck that Blackberry out the window or let the dog do its business on it. It hasn’t served you well. And if you can’t use the darn thing for fantasy football, what’s the point?!

The newly named Pirate Maulers (aka Southern Maulers, aka I-traded-Randy-Moss-and-got-hosed) defeated Hoosierblue to move on to the matchup against the Boozers. In spite of an ugly performance from the Bengals, the Maulers managed to get 11 points from Carson Palmer. (grumble, grumble… couldn’t throw anything worthwhile to Chad Johnson….) In fact, the Maulers scored the highest score of the week with 93 points. No other team scored in the 90’s, and only two teams scored in the 80’s. So maybe the Maulers didn’t need Randy Moss after all. (Yeah, right. Just like I don’t need an attitude adjustment.)

In the championship bracket, things got very interesting. Or maybe you could say it was just the same crap, different day. I say this because in the matchup between the Nashville Nitwits and the ChiTown Slackers, we ended up with yet another tie. Now, if you didn’t know what the first lock breaker was in a tie, it’s the number of touchdowns scored by the starting roster for the one week. The Nitwits and Slackers were also tied at 2 apiece. So we learned what the next lock breaker was (and there is a list of 10 altogether), the number of fantasy points scored by the starting quarterback. For the Nitwits, Jeff Garcia did an adequate job of getting 6 points. Now, I know what you’re thinking… adequate? It’s all relative. Because when you look at what the Slackers scored with Kid Romo, all you can do is laugh. AAAARRRGGGHH! Romo brought in -2. I’d like to blame the vapid blonde, because Tony was probably thinking with the wrong head at game time. But I’ll have to admit, he was due for a bad one. And last year against Philadelphia and with Carrie Underwood in the stands, he sucked the big wazoo as well. Ugh, I should have known. Ultimately, the Slackers lived up to their name, scoring a total 21 points from all of its offensive players. I don’t know about you, but those numbers are pretty offensive, if you know what I mean!

The Cinderella Story: The team that managed to “lose” its way into the playoffs has just won its way into the championship game. The Texas Twisters defeated the Sidehill Gougers, and they did it with 0 points (yes, that’s zero, zip, nada, bupkus, etc.) from Tom Brady. (Was his girlfriend at the game, too? Nah, couldn’t be. Brady didn’t get NEGATIVE points, and he was even playing outdoors, in the howling wind!) The Gougers could have made it if it weren’t for the selfless tactics of Brian Westbrook. It’s admirable to sacrifice personal glory for team glory, but GEEZ! If he’d only scored that touchdown, then Dallas would have gotten the ball back….

So the Nitwits will face the Twisters in the championship game. It’s an intriguing matchup. If you consider our regular season, the Nitwits have a 9-game winning streak going, hoping to top it off with number 10. The Twisters may have had the longest running losing streak of 6 before they got their win in the first round of the playoffs. It’s almost the same kind of luck that Forrest Gump had. My name’s Texas Twisters. People call me Texas Twisters. Oh, never mind, it doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Good luck, everyone, and I’ll catch y’all after the championship game.

The Football Widow

Week 14 Review

Hi All,

It’s been a roller-coaster week, filled with slow, nerve-twisting climbs and stomach-dropping, plummeting falls. If you haven’t caught up with everything that’s happened with our first round in our playoffs, hold on to your shorts!

For a good hour or so, I stood in shock with my jaw scraping the ground. I mean, can ya believe it?! The Token Chick with nothing to say?! On Tuesday night before the Commissioner’s Office shut down for the night, the Highway Hawgz (formerly known as the Red Hot Skillet, formerly known as the Highway Hogz) had seemingly beaten the Texas Twisters in a close game, 99-98. Both team managers were on the phone with the Commish throughout the weekend, wondering what the tie breaker might be if they should happen to tie. On Wednesday morning, we quickly learned what it was. The FF/Yahoo Gods decided to adjust some scores, and some of those were in the Twisters’ favor. And just like that, BAM, the game was tied, and then WON by the Twisters.

A moment of silence, please, to let it all sink in.

So the team that has dominated since Week 1, that finagled a quarterback when he didn’t draft one that he could rely on, that made me seriously rethink my consumption of pork products… Gentlemen, the Mighty has fallen.

My condolences, Bobbo. While we’re certainly happy to see the Twisters in the next round of the playoffs, it’s a shame to see you go. It’s not so easy to get into first place, but it’s even harder to remain in first place. Good job, Bobbo, on a season well played.

On the upside, Timmy the Greek went 4-for-4 with his predictions last week. Amazing! Maybe the voodoo curse is wearing off. Chicken bones and goat’s blood do have a limited shelf life, ya know. Or maybe it was just the new and improved varieties of mystery, direct and indirect voodoo. I’ll have to leave it to Timmy to explain.

So the Nitwits, Gougers, Twisters and Slackers advance to the next round. Pay attention to your schedules, folks, because we have games on Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. (Sheesh, he’s never gonna let me change the channel now!) For the Hawgz, Boozers, Maulers and Hoosierblue there are consolation games to be played. So, good luck, All. May your players be healthy and your teams enjoy a whammy-free zone!

The Football Widow

Week 13 Review

Hi All,

Welcome to the Playoffs! Wooohooooo! Some teams have gotten so worked up for the playoffs that they’ve fallen into an identity crisis. The Highway Hogz are now the Red Hot Skillet. Guess he couldn’t handle the pig jokes anymore, too close to home. But I guess it’s better to be the skillet than the bacon frying in it. The Southern Maulers are now the Pirate Maulers in reference to the Week 14 matchup with the Pirate Commish. In an attempt to match the Maulers wit, the Commish changed his team name to the Southern Nitwits. But it was just momentary change of heart. Hey, Commish, perhaps if you wore that eye patch over your other eye, things might look different. (Pirates? Nitwits? I could never understand it… it must be a guy thing.) The biggest change of all is the once fearsome Texas Twisters are now the Gridiron Goose Eggs. To quote the movie Space Balls, Timmy must feel that his team “has gone from suck to blow.”

I haven’t quite gotten used to Thursday night football yet. Coming from the generation of Monday Night Football with John Madden and Al Michaels, today’s schedules and announcers have me off kilter. I’d love to see somebody smack those ESPN announcers around a bit. Nothing too violent, just enough to get them to shut up! I’m not normally this violent, but it is morning as I’m writing this, and I haven’t had my coffee fix yet.

In spite of the change in routine, the Thursday night game was great to watch: The revival of America’s Team vs. America’s Favorite QB and The Pack. I didn’t expect Kid Romo to outdo Favre, but I also didn’t expect Favre to get hurt. The man has lived a charmed life as a QB! Week 13 also saw the emergence of the WR3 position. Guys who have been flying under the radar, like Fasano (DAL) and Gaffney (NE) suddenly look appealing if you can manage to fit them on your roster. Just when I thought I had it figured out….

The Matchups

Nitwits vs. Demons – Final Score: 101-76. Timmy the Greek predicted Nitwits by 10. He called the win correctly but the margin was a lot greater than predicted. In a last-ditch effort, the Demons got good numbers from their kicker, Nick Folk, and only an average performance from the rest of the team. The Nitwits got 11+ points from 5 starters and extended their winning streak to 7. So, tell me, who is the team to beat? Word on the “street” is that many think it’s the Nitwits. We should consult with T the Greek and see who the odds-on favorite is.

Knuckleheads vs. Boozers – Final Score: 65-71. Timmy’s prediction: Boozers by 5. Well, he couldn’t have called this one any closer. The serendipitous Boozers won by 6 and got numbers from everyone on his starting lineup. Yep, that’s right, no goose eggs. The silent Knuckleheads got almost one third of their points from their defense (SD), but it didn’t help to get a -3 from Favre. With the loss, the Knuckleheads have been eliminated from the playoffs. Hey, Thom, maybe a little smacktalk would have saved your team. OK, maybe not. Uh… hello? (tap, tap, tap) Is anyone there?

Highway Hogz (aka Red Hot Skillet) vs. Hoosierblue – Final Score: 82-57. Timmy’s prediction: Hogz by 7. Once again, the win was called correctly, but the margin was way off. (Hey Tim, that’s 3 for 3 so far! Too bad it goes downhill from here!) The “Bob Evans” Skillet got double digits from his first 4 starters, but an average return from everyone else. Hoosierblue got 15 points from Garrard but only single digits from everyone else, and negative points from Green Bay’s defense. I have to say, it was a bold move to play Green Bay’s DEF against Dallas, some might even argue that it was foolhardy. I’ll leave it to Timmy to contribute his 2 cents on that. (I can’t publicly insult the person who officiated my wedding!)

Twisters vs. Gougers – Final Score: 77-119. Twisters by ? OK, so we don’t know what the prediction on the point difference was, but we all know who Timmy was predicting to win. Yeah, Tim, we can all read between the lines. But I suggest you put down the beer can when making such predictions about your team. The Gougers scored the High Score of the Week while kicking your sorry @%! back to Texas. And the legendary sidehill gouger is just a mythical creature anyway! While Clark was stumbling his way to the loo (Smacktalk: “I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope its the bathroom.”), he pulled off a strong win. It’s tough when you get only 15 points from Brady. (Zing!)

Timmy’s Game of the Week
Maulers vs. Slackers – Final Score: 101-111. Timmy the Greek’s prediction: Maulers by 3. All I can say, Tim, is that bad karma will only yield you bad karma. Hell hath no fury like the Slackers spited. It was a close fight, even though the Slackers stepped out to a sizeable lead with the Thursday night game. The Maulers got great numbers from LT (go figure!) and some good numbers from Kurt Warner QB and Jared Allen DL. Overall, it was a pretty good return from the team as a whole considering 2 of the Maulers receivers scored only 1 pt each. Going into Monday night’s game, both teams were tied, and the Slackers had one player left to play – Stephen Gostkowski K. Whew! Saved by the mighty foot of the NE kicker!

Looking ahead to Week 14, all I can say is Good Luck, All! Demons and Knuckleheads, my condolences, however you can still watch the progress of the playoffs and vote on the matchups.

The Football Widow