New York Giants owner, John Mara, vowed at his father's funeral that he would put together another great Giants team for 2009. Knowing that Eli Manning was washed up, he realized that the only thing missing was a great quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and universities, and even the high schools across America, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, Mara saw a war zone in Afghanistan. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-blooey! A car passed by going 90 miles an hour -- bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Mara said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Giants went on to win the SuperBowl. The young Afghan is lionized and idolized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXXI, and when Mara asks him what he wants, all the young man wanted to do was to call his mother on the phone.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman said in return. "You deserted us. You're not my son anymore."
"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleaded. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the whole, wide world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans, all screaming my name."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implored. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.... I can never forgive you for making us move to New York City...."
Dec 13, 2008
Dec 10, 2008
Week 15 Predictions
WEEK 15 PREDICTIONS
Well good old Goodell is at it again. Today he announced that the league is cutting more than 10% of it’s staff in response to the downturn in the nations economy. Aw common Roger! The NFL is the richest sport in all of the NFL. Good one Timmy! All of the NFL? What a dufous. Let me try that one again…The NFL is the richest pro sports league on the planet! Is that better folks? That college educated idiot Goodell throws me for such a loop it gets me all screwed up sometimes! Pardon my goof!
Old Roger the dodger says that the downturn in the economy may (let me reemphasize MAY) result in a slump in ticket sales and viewership. Now isn’t that about the dumbest thing you ever heard? God I would just love to slap the shit out of this idiot!
First off Roger, you priced the average Joe out of ticket sales a long time ago! Once you started the trend of requiring season ticket holders to buy a seating license, every working stiff in the country had to give up their season tickets or sell their house. Of course looking back, buying season tickets may have been a more wise investment than buying into the “American dream”! Those damn tickets are probably worth 5X the average house value today! Hell half the family owned businesses had to follow suit as well. I do not know of one local small business that holds season tickets today. The only ones that can afford season tickets now days are all the big oil companies, bailed out banks, crooked politicians, ex-NFL players and movie stars. If you’re truly worried about ticket sales why don’t you price them in a range that WE, THE REAL FANS can afford? You can make up the difference by paying all your cronies a real mans wage instead of the millions your choice few make. While you’re at it you can do like every other honest business does and set wage standards guidelines so the players contracts no longer reflect the GNP of a small country!
Second: viewership may slump with the downturn in the economy? Are you nuts? Where did you come up with that one Einstein? Yeah I can see it now…unemployment jumps to 20% and all of the sudden all the poor stiffs that get a pink slip suddenly quit watching football on TV. What a dumb ass! You went to college to figure that one out? What class was that? Head up the ass 101? Sure they may all dump your friggin NFL Network but they sure as hell aint gonna quit watching the games over the airwaves. You friggin moron Roger! These poor saps wont be able to afford and sure as hell aint gonna have anything else to do BUT watch football on the tube. Just how the hell did you get that job anyway Roger? As the saying goes, it’s not who you know but who you blow. Yeah Roger, you blow alright!
Third: Just how much money do you plan on saving? We all know how this works. Your gonna lay off 150 workers that make 40 to 50 grand a year (which by the way are the only ones doing the real work) then at the end of the year your gonna give yourself a bonus equal to 10X their combined wages for your “brilliance”! Don’t bullshit a bullshitter Roger! We read the papers every day. We know how this works. Obviously you don’t. So let me take a brief moment to explain this one to you, you dingleberry. I can tell you exactly how this is going to work out. Your gonna lay off the 150 or so workers that actually do their job and make the NFL worth watching. At the same time you and your cronies are gonna give yourselves raises and big bonuses for your “all so wise” cost cutting. In the mean time the quality of your product will diminish. Your viewership will the certainly drop like a rock. The following week you’re on a private jet racing to beat the Big Three to Washington to ask for a bail out! The government is more than happy to get in the middle of it all. We then have the newly found OFL (Obama Football League) compromised of the DFL & RFL (Dems & Republicans) which is refereed by the Liberals (who eliminate playoffs, wins and losses because they believe it would be nicer if everybody was a winner), oversight is provided by congress (God help us all!) and it is all funded by money borrowed from China and OPEC. Viewership plummets to nil. All the disgruntled ranks of laid off workers raise up in protest and the country explodes into civil war! Don’t think it won’t happen either. Our ancestors rose up in defiance over a friggin tea tax! We’re talking football! American football dick head! You ever see the Philly fans? Been to a Browns game lately. Do you have a clue just how out of control a pissed off football fan can get Bubba? Your plan is just so brilliant Roger! Just friggin brilliant! Your Mother would be so proud. NOT!
On to the predictions…
Well good old Goodell is at it again. Today he announced that the league is cutting more than 10% of it’s staff in response to the downturn in the nations economy. Aw common Roger! The NFL is the richest sport in all of the NFL. Good one Timmy! All of the NFL? What a dufous. Let me try that one again…The NFL is the richest pro sports league on the planet! Is that better folks? That college educated idiot Goodell throws me for such a loop it gets me all screwed up sometimes! Pardon my goof!
Old Roger the dodger says that the downturn in the economy may (let me reemphasize MAY) result in a slump in ticket sales and viewership. Now isn’t that about the dumbest thing you ever heard? God I would just love to slap the shit out of this idiot!
First off Roger, you priced the average Joe out of ticket sales a long time ago! Once you started the trend of requiring season ticket holders to buy a seating license, every working stiff in the country had to give up their season tickets or sell their house. Of course looking back, buying season tickets may have been a more wise investment than buying into the “American dream”! Those damn tickets are probably worth 5X the average house value today! Hell half the family owned businesses had to follow suit as well. I do not know of one local small business that holds season tickets today. The only ones that can afford season tickets now days are all the big oil companies, bailed out banks, crooked politicians, ex-NFL players and movie stars. If you’re truly worried about ticket sales why don’t you price them in a range that WE, THE REAL FANS can afford? You can make up the difference by paying all your cronies a real mans wage instead of the millions your choice few make. While you’re at it you can do like every other honest business does and set wage standards guidelines so the players contracts no longer reflect the GNP of a small country!
Second: viewership may slump with the downturn in the economy? Are you nuts? Where did you come up with that one Einstein? Yeah I can see it now…unemployment jumps to 20% and all of the sudden all the poor stiffs that get a pink slip suddenly quit watching football on TV. What a dumb ass! You went to college to figure that one out? What class was that? Head up the ass 101? Sure they may all dump your friggin NFL Network but they sure as hell aint gonna quit watching the games over the airwaves. You friggin moron Roger! These poor saps wont be able to afford and sure as hell aint gonna have anything else to do BUT watch football on the tube. Just how the hell did you get that job anyway Roger? As the saying goes, it’s not who you know but who you blow. Yeah Roger, you blow alright!
Third: Just how much money do you plan on saving? We all know how this works. Your gonna lay off 150 workers that make 40 to 50 grand a year (which by the way are the only ones doing the real work) then at the end of the year your gonna give yourself a bonus equal to 10X their combined wages for your “brilliance”! Don’t bullshit a bullshitter Roger! We read the papers every day. We know how this works. Obviously you don’t. So let me take a brief moment to explain this one to you, you dingleberry. I can tell you exactly how this is going to work out. Your gonna lay off the 150 or so workers that actually do their job and make the NFL worth watching. At the same time you and your cronies are gonna give yourselves raises and big bonuses for your “all so wise” cost cutting. In the mean time the quality of your product will diminish. Your viewership will the certainly drop like a rock. The following week you’re on a private jet racing to beat the Big Three to Washington to ask for a bail out! The government is more than happy to get in the middle of it all. We then have the newly found OFL (Obama Football League) compromised of the DFL & RFL (Dems & Republicans) which is refereed by the Liberals (who eliminate playoffs, wins and losses because they believe it would be nicer if everybody was a winner), oversight is provided by congress (God help us all!) and it is all funded by money borrowed from China and OPEC. Viewership plummets to nil. All the disgruntled ranks of laid off workers raise up in protest and the country explodes into civil war! Don’t think it won’t happen either. Our ancestors rose up in defiance over a friggin tea tax! We’re talking football! American football dick head! You ever see the Philly fans? Been to a Browns game lately. Do you have a clue just how out of control a pissed off football fan can get Bubba? Your plan is just so brilliant Roger! Just friggin brilliant! Your Mother would be so proud. NOT!
On to the predictions…
First
off, congratulations to all of you that survived the first week of playoffs. I still can’t believe the Texas Connection got blown out of the playoffs in such a bold fashion. I thought for sure one of us would have made it to the finals. Oh the shame, the shame of it all!
off, congratulations to all of you that survived the first week of playoffs. I still can’t believe the Texas Connection got blown out of the playoffs in such a bold fashion. I thought for sure one of us would have made it to the finals. Oh the shame, the shame of it all!One observation. Actually it is an opinion. I think the league screwed up the playoff matchups. This week if the final match ups were switched up we could have a hell of a finish. We would whitness a good old family feud and a drunken brawl side by side. Now wouldn’t that be something fun to watch? Instead we are going to see one major smack down and one of the lowest combined playoff total point games in all of fantasy football. I think it would have been so much more fun to watch Lou and Anita get into pissing match and see two drunkards piddle all over each other. Just the oppinion of a guy that would show up to a MAD mothers rally driving drunk in a fully loaded beer truck with a free samples sign just to enjoy the fireworks.
Shysters VRS Boozers:
Shysters, you’re in big trouble. The Boozers did in fact cure the curse of the bling. His team is just too strong. His matchups are too favorable. You don’t have a prayer girl. I’m willing to bet he has 4 or positions that score in double digits. Not only is he going to stomp you this week but he is going to go on to win it all! Boozers will get the trophy, the money and he gets my vote for team name of the year!
Prediction:
Boozers by 14
Nimrods VRS Hopheads:
Aint this one a kick in the head folks? Just how did you two get this far any way? You got me on this one. I am stumped! Nimrods. No Hopheads. No, Nimrods. Wait, I changed my mind again! Hoppy! Screw it! I’m tossing a coin! It came up tails! Tails it is! That means that Hoppy get’s the call because by all rights he should be at the tail end of the league with his crappy lineup!
Good luck folks!
Shysters VRS Boozers:
Shysters, you’re in big trouble. The Boozers did in fact cure the curse of the bling. His team is just too strong. His matchups are too favorable. You don’t have a prayer girl. I’m willing to bet he has 4 or positions that score in double digits. Not only is he going to stomp you this week but he is going to go on to win it all! Boozers will get the trophy, the money and he gets my vote for team name of the year!
Prediction:
Boozers by 14
Nimrods VRS Hopheads:
Aint this one a kick in the head folks? Just how did you two get this far any way? You got me on this one. I am stumped! Nimrods. No Hopheads. No, Nimrods. Wait, I changed my mind again! Hoppy! Screw it! I’m tossing a coin! It came up tails! Tails it is! That means that Hoppy get’s the call because by all rights he should be at the tail end of the league with his crappy lineup!
Good luck folks!
Dec 8, 2008
NFL Justice?
What is NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's idea of justice today? And what will it be tomorrow? Kevin Hench is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com, and his article titled Sundays of our Lives: Justice is swerved brings up some interesting and compelling points about how Goodell's brand of justice is inconsistent and arbitrary. To read the full article, go to http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8896882.
Dec 6, 2008
Predictions for week 1 of playoffs
PLAY OFF WEEK 1 PREDICTIONS
Holy crap! Play offs already? Where did this year go? A better question is how the hell did half these Managers make it into the play offs? I mean common! The Hopheads, LBNL & my Heros haven’t even broke 1,000 total points yet! As a matter of fact, between these three teams only one team scored over 100 points in one game. I won’t say who that was because his head may grow bigger than a melon and I’ll never hear the end of it. Then you look at the Molesters who had a heartbreak of a loss in week 13 to the Nonads which knocked him out of the playoffs. Molesters is the one odd man out that did break 1000 points in our regular season. The shame of it all.
So just how did each team make it into the playoffs? Let’s see now….
In first place is the Boozers who ruled most all year. He is legit even though he tanked 4 in a row at the end of the season. Curse of the bling Dude! Curse of the bling! I know you think you foiled the curse last week Boozers but we all know it was a fluke.
In second place is the Hopheads. I think the Potheads is more like it when you look at his lineup. Just how the hell did he finish 9-4? I don’t get it. If any of you have that one figured out feel free to chime in because I am clueless! Let’s just call this one what it is…sloppy seconds!
Hopheads VRS LBNL:
Oh boy this is an exciting matchup! Not! That is sarcasm LBNL. Let me put it in terms you can understand. I’m blowing smoke up you butt!
This matchup has some stupid projections also. Arron Rodgers projected at 18! Aw give me a break! I know they are up against Houston but 18? Common! There is no way. I’ll bet he just barely gets 10!
This matchup is not a question of who will win it. It is a question of who will suck worse! Now if you go by the history of these two teams this season we have LBNL who has been real good at tanking the ones he should win and Hoppy has been real lucky at getting teams on their worst week. But this is the playoffs and I see the tide turning on that.
Prediction: LBNL by 5
The Shysters VRS my Heros:
I have a real good feeling that my Cowboys are going to show up big time and put the hurt on the Stealers. Romo will out score big Ben by at least 7. This will make a big difference in our matchup. Unfortunately with Barber out and the fact that the rest of my team is a bunch of scrubs, I’m doomed.
Prediction: Shysters by 3
Holy crap! Play offs already? Where did this year go? A better question is how the hell did half these Managers make it into the play offs? I mean common! The Hopheads, LBNL & my Heros haven’t even broke 1,000 total points yet! As a matter of fact, between these three teams only one team scored over 100 points in one game. I won’t say who that was because his head may grow bigger than a melon and I’ll never hear the end of it. Then you look at the Molesters who had a heartbreak of a loss in week 13 to the Nonads which knocked him out of the playoffs. Molesters is the one odd man out that did break 1000 points in our regular season. The shame of it all.
So just how did each team make it into the playoffs? Let’s see now….
In first place is the Boozers who ruled most all year. He is legit even though he tanked 4 in a row at the end of the season. Curse of the bling Dude! Curse of the bling! I know you think you foiled the curse last week Boozers but we all know it was a fluke.
In second place is the Hopheads. I think the Potheads is more like it when you look at his lineup. Just how the hell did he finish 9-4? I don’t get it. If any of you have that one figured out feel free to chime in because I am clueless! Let’s just call this one what it is…sloppy seconds!
Hoppy, here is a new avitar for you.
Third place is the Brew Crew. This guy stayed pretty consistent all year. Awfully impressive for a rookie. Things really came together for him after he dumped all those Buffalo players. It didn’t take him long to learn that being a homie is a poor strategy. Hell, I’m in my third year of fantasy football and I have yet to learn that lesson. Guess I am as dumb as I look. Any way I have to admit the Brew crew is legit as well.
Fourth place is the Shysters. Anyone that lost to the Blues is just plain lucky to be alive. I know I would have jumped off the tallest building in Dallas had that happened to me. I’m gonna call this one as I see it. Mob influence.
Fifth place is my Homers Heros. Ok, Ok, I’ll be the first to admit it. This was just plain ugly! I won ugly. Let’s see just how far that ugly takes me.
Sixth place is the Nimrods. Now the Nimrods did break 1000. Yeah, by 1/2 point so that doesn’t count. He also managed to hit exactly 100 one week. Can’t call it breaking 100 but he did hit it. Better than I can say for myself. Lou had to sweat this one all season. Especially in the last couple weeks. Nimrods managed to make it by a hair on his chinny, chin, chin. He wiggled his way into the playoffs. Didn’t know a pumpkin butt could wiggly so well.
Seventh place is LBNL. He was pretty consistent in his scoring. Surprising seeing that he had such a titty baby of a QB. Due to that he eeked his way into the playoffs. I’ll bet he is still thanking the fantasy gods that he had me for his final matchup. If it weren’t for that he never would have made it. We will call this one what it is. Friggin lucky!
Eighth place and the final playoff slot went to the Gougers. This is easy to see. He pulled that one out of his ass and shoved it up the Molesters. To the Molesters that is what he calls going out in style! Gougers tripped into the playoffs!
Now what happened to the other 4 teams that didn’t make it?
The Molesters just blew his load.
The Demons were cursed all year. No more running with the Devil for him.
The Nonads had a horrible draft and never could recover from that.
The Blues never had a prayer.
On to the Predictions…
Boozers VRS the Gougers:
First thing is first….what have the yahoo geeks been smoking? The Gougers are projected for over 100 points this week! Yeah, he does have some favorable matchups but I’m going to call this one now. Detroit will get their first win against Minnesota this week and that will be what keeps you from breaking that 100 points Gougers! I know, I know, you all think I’m crazy. And it is calls like that got me laughed right out of the news room but wait and see folks. Wait and see.
Even with that prediction I still believe in the curse of the bling. Boozers, your going down in week one. Sorry Bubba.
Prediction: Gougers by 3
By the way Boozers you get first place as far as team names go. That one is a classic. I would stick with it for next season if I were you. As a matter of fact you influenced me. I think I may join the crowd. I was thinking of changing my team name to the Lucky Lushes for next season.
Fourth place is the Shysters. Anyone that lost to the Blues is just plain lucky to be alive. I know I would have jumped off the tallest building in Dallas had that happened to me. I’m gonna call this one as I see it. Mob influence.
Fifth place is my Homers Heros. Ok, Ok, I’ll be the first to admit it. This was just plain ugly! I won ugly. Let’s see just how far that ugly takes me.
Sixth place is the Nimrods. Now the Nimrods did break 1000. Yeah, by 1/2 point so that doesn’t count. He also managed to hit exactly 100 one week. Can’t call it breaking 100 but he did hit it. Better than I can say for myself. Lou had to sweat this one all season. Especially in the last couple weeks. Nimrods managed to make it by a hair on his chinny, chin, chin. He wiggled his way into the playoffs. Didn’t know a pumpkin butt could wiggly so well.
Seventh place is LBNL. He was pretty consistent in his scoring. Surprising seeing that he had such a titty baby of a QB. Due to that he eeked his way into the playoffs. I’ll bet he is still thanking the fantasy gods that he had me for his final matchup. If it weren’t for that he never would have made it. We will call this one what it is. Friggin lucky!
Eighth place and the final playoff slot went to the Gougers. This is easy to see. He pulled that one out of his ass and shoved it up the Molesters. To the Molesters that is what he calls going out in style! Gougers tripped into the playoffs!
Now what happened to the other 4 teams that didn’t make it?
The Molesters just blew his load.
The Demons were cursed all year. No more running with the Devil for him.
The Nonads had a horrible draft and never could recover from that.
The Blues never had a prayer.
On to the Predictions…
Boozers VRS the Gougers:
First thing is first….what have the yahoo geeks been smoking? The Gougers are projected for over 100 points this week! Yeah, he does have some favorable matchups but I’m going to call this one now. Detroit will get their first win against Minnesota this week and that will be what keeps you from breaking that 100 points Gougers! I know, I know, you all think I’m crazy. And it is calls like that got me laughed right out of the news room but wait and see folks. Wait and see.
Even with that prediction I still believe in the curse of the bling. Boozers, your going down in week one. Sorry Bubba.
Prediction: Gougers by 3
By the way Boozers you get first place as far as team names go. That one is a classic. I would stick with it for next season if I were you. As a matter of fact you influenced me. I think I may join the crowd. I was thinking of changing my team name to the Lucky Lushes for next season.
Nimrods VRS the Brew Crew:
Here is another one that blows me away. The Nimrods projected at 93? Those Yahoo’s are hitting the hooch aren’t they? The Brew Crew are also projected to break 90 but I can see that. Lou, I hate to say it but the Brew Crew will slip on a Trojan and stick it to you.
Prediction: Brew Crew by 9
Here is another one that blows me away. The Nimrods projected at 93? Those Yahoo’s are hitting the hooch aren’t they? The Brew Crew are also projected to break 90 but I can see that. Lou, I hate to say it but the Brew Crew will slip on a Trojan and stick it to you.
Prediction: Brew Crew by 9
Gonna get a spankin
Hopheads VRS LBNL:
Oh boy this is an exciting matchup! Not! That is sarcasm LBNL. Let me put it in terms you can understand. I’m blowing smoke up you butt!
This matchup has some stupid projections also. Arron Rodgers projected at 18! Aw give me a break! I know they are up against Houston but 18? Common! There is no way. I’ll bet he just barely gets 10!
This matchup is not a question of who will win it. It is a question of who will suck worse! Now if you go by the history of these two teams this season we have LBNL who has been real good at tanking the ones he should win and Hoppy has been real lucky at getting teams on their worst week. But this is the playoffs and I see the tide turning on that.
Prediction: LBNL by 5
The Shysters VRS my Heros:
I have a real good feeling that my Cowboys are going to show up big time and put the hurt on the Stealers. Romo will out score big Ben by at least 7. This will make a big difference in our matchup. Unfortunately with Barber out and the fact that the rest of my team is a bunch of scrubs, I’m doomed.
Prediction: Shysters by 3
Week 13 Wrap Up
The following advertisement appeared in this past week’s Cleveland Plain Dealer:
Wanted: Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns
Summary: Due to the unfortunate situations of losing both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson to season-ending injuries the past two weeks -- and the fact that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, won’t allow Cleveland to simply forfeit the rest of its games to get this dreadful season over with -- the Cleveland Browns are currently seeking an adequate, inexpensive quarterback to ensure four more losses in 2008.
Job Responsibilities: Turning around and handing the ball to Jamal Lewis; throwing incomplete passes to Braylon Edwards (you just have to throw the ball in his general direction and Edwards will take care of the rest); watching the defense squander huge leads; and squandering leads yourself by providing costly, hard-to-believe turnovers.
Job Perks: A front row seat to whenever Kellen Winslow Jr. speaks out against divulging the truth about injuries; the ability to improvise without worrying about what Romeo Crennel will say to you because neither you nor him will be around next year anyway; and weekly profanity-laced e-mails sent from the desk of Phil Savage.
Please respond ASAP, so that you can have at least one day of practice under your belt (that should be enough) before Sunday’s game against Tennessee (talk about not having a snowball’s chance in Hades).
Meanwhile, as Cleveland tries desperately to find a backup for its backup, the casino Tropicana Atlantic City has announced that will be hosting the 1st annual Running of The Santas on December 13. This is part of a nationwide bar tour in which participants don Santa hats, white beards, and baggy red suits, drink to their heart’s content, and do their own version of Pamplona's running of the bulls. Only at the head of this race will be a herd of stampeding Hooters girls.
See, this is why I’m not worried about our economy. Sure, the Dow Jones average dropped another 600 points yesterday. Sure, the auto industry, airline industry and Wall Street are all in the crapper. And, sure, Plaxico has proven once again the amount of brains it takes to earn millions of dollars playing football. But, when push comes to shove nothing can stop good old fashioned American ingenuity from saving the day. Listen…if people aren’t going to the bars and pissing their money away like they used to, you can do one of two things. You can cry about it or you can do something about it. The Tropicana chose to do something, because nothing puts guys in the seats like letting degenerate gamblers put on their stupid Santa hats and chase big-breasted girls around the slot machines and blackjack tables. In fact, I’m seriously debating heading down to Atlantic City for this history-making event (only problem is, Anita’s blocking the doorway). My only question is what happens when somebody actually catches one of the girls? I assume they don’t get to kill her like they do with the bulls in Pamplona, right? Does someone throw tomatoes or water balloons? Does it all turn into a wet T-shirt contest? Either way, I would pay good money for Suffolk Downs to put on this event in their infield. I can’t even imagine the sheer chaos this would create.
Okay, ‘nuf speculating on perverse subject matter….onward and upward to the weekly wrap up:
Homer’s Heroes (at least I can spell it) vs. Last But Not Least’s
Eli finally got the opportunity to proudly exhibit his manhood…umm, Braylon Edwards dropped only four passes….umm, oh the hell with all of that, let’s just say that the Heroes and LBNL proved once again that timely incompetence doesn’t mean you can’t make it into the playoffs. Congrats to both of you for getting one more opportunity to prove you’re worthiness or worthlessness, whichever floats to the top. But, let’s face it…I hope you don’t plan on playing the likes of Willis “I Fell and I Can’t Get Up” McGahee, Mewelde “Can’t Start No” Moore, Ted “Come On, Throw It to Me A” Ginn, or “Failin’” Braylon Edwards into the upcoming playoffs! Geez, take the time to do something new and exciting for a change (like going to Atlantic City dressed up like Rudolph the Red Nosed drunk). And by the way, Heroes, I understand that the poor Cowboy wimps continue to have pinkie woes, while the more manly teams out there are shooting themselves in the leg to show their toughness (says something about Texans, doesn’t it?) Speaking of wimps, I understand that Homer was forced to post this sign recently at his place of work, in an effort to avoid further embarrassing mishaps (much like those damaged pinky woes that have suddenly befallen his beloved Cowboys).
Sorrowfully, we now understand that LBNL failed to comprehend the warning, and that he is laid up at home with a severe foot injury caused when the sign inexplicably fell on his big toe. This is the result of piss-poor sign-hanging and wish-I-could-read stupidity. So I ask you, how did either of these knot heads make it into the playoffs? By-the-way: it looks like Timmy is going to rely on a 3rd string running back in his big match-up with the Shysters this week. Somehow I get the feeling that if they ever remade "Die Hard" with an all-black cast, wouldn't the lead character have to be named Le'Ron McLain?
Southern Molesters vs. Nonads
What can I say about this sorry-ass matchup. The Nonads took the Molesters by surprise this past week (much like the Molesters have been doing to innocent children all year long), stole all his handy candy, and left him lying naked and shivering in the gutter. This once wily manager, who often filled our heads with hopes of playoff positioning and his bus with enticing bedtime stories, fell miserably from grace. Now, just like the Buffalo Bills and Chicago Cubs always say….wait until next year. We’re all going to miss you, Nonads and Molesters, in our own individual ways.
By-the-way, a word of warning: since the Molesters are out of the playoffs, he’s stepped up his devisive attempts at luring the unsuspecting to his candy bus. Law enforcement has advised us that he’s now incognito, traveling around the fantasy football circuit claiming that he’s the official representative of the Clowntown Clan. So, if you happen to see this guy skulking around, laughing with your children or attempting to pass himself off as one of Santa’s little elves, avoid him at all costs. Meanwhile, we say better luck next time to both of these managers.
Dallas Demons vs. Belmont Boozers
Well, I guess we can all agree that the Dallas Demons saved their absolute worst game for last, but what can you expect from a guy that hangs out with the damned. Still, come on….38.5 points total (with DeMarcus Ware, a Dallas DL, getting at least twice as many points as any other Demon player in the process). So, we admit now that LBNL has been right all along….Demons Suck! Perhaps, the lowly Demons can begin the recovery process by finding that pathway so aptly described by Led Zeppelin years ago.
Still, while DD was in the process of earning this embarrassing loss, the Boozers looked absolutely unbeatable somehow, almost outscoring the entire Demons team with one player – Brian Westbrook. But let me just ask…has there ever been an NFL player listed as “questionable” more often than Brian Westbrook? Does this extend to other portions of his life? Can anyone really rely on him to come through in a pinch? Do his buddies make plans to catch a movie or to go out and share a few brewskies with him knowing that he’s questionable to actually show up? Does he send back wedding invitations checking both the “Yes, I Will Attend” and “No, I Will Not Attend?” boxes? What would it be like if he hosted a radio talk show? “All right, that’s it for today’s show, tune in again and I’ll see you tomorrow….or I might not.” Why aren’t we calling him Brian “Mr. Questionable” Westbrook? Meanwhile, we understand that the Boozers have sold his expensive diamond bling and traded up for a new limo. Check it out! 
And here’s the definition of irony: Did you know that Adam, manager of the Boozers, is an Edward Jones investment guy? And, did you know that Edward Jones Investments decided it would be a good idea to purchase the naming rights for St. Louis' football stadium, only now it's the most depressing crowd in the NFL other than in Detroit, and every week announcers say things like, "Man, you can hear a pin drop here at the Edward Jones Dome." Now that's a decision that makes me want to invest with Eddy! Wait, Adam, your company is the genius behind the Edward Jones Dome? Here's my money!
Happy Hopheads vs. Sunday Brew Crew
Geez, it’s utterly apparent this week that the Hopheads somehow stumbled his way into the playoffs with no ambition of coming in on a winning note. Inside sources tell us that he has a new life-style (no, not similar to that of the Molesters). Instead, Hoppy is trying to live up to his name by balancing his lifelong pastime of cross-country running with guzzling as many sudsy brews as he can muster. Apparently, he’s even trying to conduct both hobbies at the same time.
And now he wants to add televised football to the list by watching, running, and guzzling all at the same time. Maybe we should all chip in and get him that treadmill with the built in cup-holder and five-inch LCD that he’s been wanting for Christmas. Meanwhile, the Brew Crew has also somehow found his way into the playoffs, with the likes of Roddy “White Boy” White (who names their kid “Roddy” anyway), Maurice “Can’t Decide on a Name” Jones-Drew (who names their kid “Maurice” anyway), and Chris Cooley. Speaking of Cooley, did you know that the four-time Pro Bowler has started his own blog to help his brother, Tanner (who names their kid “Tanner” anyway), pay for med school. Cooley estimates it will generate about $250,000 per year in advertising and merchandise sales, more than enough to pay for his sibling's education. Interestingly, Cooley recently revealed that he celebrated his wife Christy's 21st birthday by downing 21 shots of Jim Beam at a bar in West Virginia with her family, taking the sports blog world by storm. The result: a spread in the Washington Post, interviews on numerous sports shows, and the inspiration of football-rabid, beer-chugging athletes like Bobbo the world over. You can catch the blog at: http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/.
Sidehill Gougers vs. Brown County Blues
So what? Big “bleaping” deal! The Blues somehow knocked off the Gougers, but couldn’t find a way to pound that last nail into the proverbial coffin. So, the Sidehill mob somehow found a way to teeter into the playoffs, beating the Molesters in points by the slimmest of margins. Good news, we guess, for the Gougers. Some guys get all the breaks, don’t they? I can't remember: was it the 1931 or the 1932 Chicago Bears who had their season fall apart after Red Grange and Bronko Nagurski were caught with StarCaps in their urine samples?
But no, the Gougers get to continue counting on their Minnesota defense, in spite of the fact that the Williams brothers get suspended and then unsuspended, saving his ass for yet one more week. And this week, it looks like Clark’s really gone out on a confidence limb, what with a former Arkansas Razorback named Peyton Hillis in his lineup. Just this week, a blitzed Razorbacks fan offered everyone $100 at 50-to-1 odds that Hillis would finish with more 2008 fantasy points than both Darren McFadden and Felix Jones? And why do I have a feeling Jerry Jones made his billions in a similar way? Anyway, in the end, the Gougers and Blues ended up best buds – just like Favre and Rodgers used to be.
Nashville Nimrods vs. ChiTown Shysters
So the Nimrods beat the Shysters and made it into the playoffs. What else would you expect from the two-time champ of the league. But I would rather talk about a related issue. Like everyone else, I'm still disappointed that a receiver didn't honor Plaxico Burress last weekend by catching a touchdown, then pretending to shoot himself in the leg with the football and limp around helplessly.
This never would have not happened if Chad Johnson were still alive…errr, I mean still playing…ummm, being his same old crazy self. You didn’t really think you could get through this blog without a Plaxico story, right? Don’t be stupid! This one is a nice change of pace though, because it's not about conspiracy or tow trucks or angry mayors. It's about a website that allows patients to anonymously rate their doctors and provide nice, little comments about their services—and it just so happens that I discovered one dedicated to super-secret Giants doctor Josyann Abisaab, M.D., who is rumored to have treated Plax in his hour of need. I think you know where this is going. Here are some of the reviews that have been left in her blog during the past week:
Hey Shysters, do you think there’s any way that the Chiefs can hypnotize Larry Johnson into thinking every short-yardage situation is really a crowded bar filled with the boyfriends of women who just resisted his advances? Finally, while all of you were duking it out for some of those final playoff spots, Anita and I simply decided to sit back, drink our fine wine, and let the cow patties fall where they might. In the end, all I can say is that I’ve provided a recent picture of the two of us for those of you that have been asking. But let me warn you….we’ve gained a couple of pounds during this football season.
Wanted: Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns
Summary: Due to the unfortunate situations of losing both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson to season-ending injuries the past two weeks -- and the fact that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, won’t allow Cleveland to simply forfeit the rest of its games to get this dreadful season over with -- the Cleveland Browns are currently seeking an adequate, inexpensive quarterback to ensure four more losses in 2008.
Job Responsibilities: Turning around and handing the ball to Jamal Lewis; throwing incomplete passes to Braylon Edwards (you just have to throw the ball in his general direction and Edwards will take care of the rest); watching the defense squander huge leads; and squandering leads yourself by providing costly, hard-to-believe turnovers.
Job Perks: A front row seat to whenever Kellen Winslow Jr. speaks out against divulging the truth about injuries; the ability to improvise without worrying about what Romeo Crennel will say to you because neither you nor him will be around next year anyway; and weekly profanity-laced e-mails sent from the desk of Phil Savage.
Please respond ASAP, so that you can have at least one day of practice under your belt (that should be enough) before Sunday’s game against Tennessee (talk about not having a snowball’s chance in Hades).
Meanwhile, as Cleveland tries desperately to find a backup for its backup, the casino Tropicana Atlantic City has announced that will be hosting the 1st annual Running of The Santas on December 13. This is part of a nationwide bar tour in which participants don Santa hats, white beards, and baggy red suits, drink to their heart’s content, and do their own version of Pamplona's running of the bulls. Only at the head of this race will be a herd of stampeding Hooters girls.
See, this is why I’m not worried about our economy. Sure, the Dow Jones average dropped another 600 points yesterday. Sure, the auto industry, airline industry and Wall Street are all in the crapper. And, sure, Plaxico has proven once again the amount of brains it takes to earn millions of dollars playing football. But, when push comes to shove nothing can stop good old fashioned American ingenuity from saving the day. Listen…if people aren’t going to the bars and pissing their money away like they used to, you can do one of two things. You can cry about it or you can do something about it. The Tropicana chose to do something, because nothing puts guys in the seats like letting degenerate gamblers put on their stupid Santa hats and chase big-breasted girls around the slot machines and blackjack tables. In fact, I’m seriously debating heading down to Atlantic City for this history-making event (only problem is, Anita’s blocking the doorway). My only question is what happens when somebody actually catches one of the girls? I assume they don’t get to kill her like they do with the bulls in Pamplona, right? Does someone throw tomatoes or water balloons? Does it all turn into a wet T-shirt contest? Either way, I would pay good money for Suffolk Downs to put on this event in their infield. I can’t even imagine the sheer chaos this would create.Okay, ‘nuf speculating on perverse subject matter….onward and upward to the weekly wrap up:
Homer’s Heroes (at least I can spell it) vs. Last But Not Least’s
Eli finally got the opportunity to proudly exhibit his manhood…umm, Braylon Edwards dropped only four passes….umm, oh the hell with all of that, let’s just say that the Heroes and LBNL proved once again that timely incompetence doesn’t mean you can’t make it into the playoffs. Congrats to both of you for getting one more opportunity to prove you’re worthiness or worthlessness, whichever floats to the top. But, let’s face it…I hope you don’t plan on playing the likes of Willis “I Fell and I Can’t Get Up” McGahee, Mewelde “Can’t Start No” Moore, Ted “Come On, Throw It to Me A” Ginn, or “Failin’” Braylon Edwards into the upcoming playoffs! Geez, take the time to do something new and exciting for a change (like going to Atlantic City dressed up like Rudolph the Red Nosed drunk). And by the way, Heroes, I understand that the poor Cowboy wimps continue to have pinkie woes, while the more manly teams out there are shooting themselves in the leg to show their toughness (says something about Texans, doesn’t it?) Speaking of wimps, I understand that Homer was forced to post this sign recently at his place of work, in an effort to avoid further embarrassing mishaps (much like those damaged pinky woes that have suddenly befallen his beloved Cowboys).
Sorrowfully, we now understand that LBNL failed to comprehend the warning, and that he is laid up at home with a severe foot injury caused when the sign inexplicably fell on his big toe. This is the result of piss-poor sign-hanging and wish-I-could-read stupidity. So I ask you, how did either of these knot heads make it into the playoffs? By-the-way: it looks like Timmy is going to rely on a 3rd string running back in his big match-up with the Shysters this week. Somehow I get the feeling that if they ever remade "Die Hard" with an all-black cast, wouldn't the lead character have to be named Le'Ron McLain?Southern Molesters vs. Nonads
What can I say about this sorry-ass matchup. The Nonads took the Molesters by surprise this past week (much like the Molesters have been doing to innocent children all year long), stole all his handy candy, and left him lying naked and shivering in the gutter. This once wily manager, who often filled our heads with hopes of playoff positioning and his bus with enticing bedtime stories, fell miserably from grace. Now, just like the Buffalo Bills and Chicago Cubs always say….wait until next year. We’re all going to miss you, Nonads and Molesters, in our own individual ways.
By-the-way, a word of warning: since the Molesters are out of the playoffs, he’s stepped up his devisive attempts at luring the unsuspecting to his candy bus. Law enforcement has advised us that he’s now incognito, traveling around the fantasy football circuit claiming that he’s the official representative of the Clowntown Clan. So, if you happen to see this guy skulking around, laughing with your children or attempting to pass himself off as one of Santa’s little elves, avoid him at all costs. Meanwhile, we say better luck next time to both of these managers.Dallas Demons vs. Belmont Boozers
Well, I guess we can all agree that the Dallas Demons saved their absolute worst game for last, but what can you expect from a guy that hangs out with the damned. Still, come on….38.5 points total (with DeMarcus Ware, a Dallas DL, getting at least twice as many points as any other Demon player in the process). So, we admit now that LBNL has been right all along….Demons Suck! Perhaps, the lowly Demons can begin the recovery process by finding that pathway so aptly described by Led Zeppelin years ago.
Still, while DD was in the process of earning this embarrassing loss, the Boozers looked absolutely unbeatable somehow, almost outscoring the entire Demons team with one player – Brian Westbrook. But let me just ask…has there ever been an NFL player listed as “questionable” more often than Brian Westbrook? Does this extend to other portions of his life? Can anyone really rely on him to come through in a pinch? Do his buddies make plans to catch a movie or to go out and share a few brewskies with him knowing that he’s questionable to actually show up? Does he send back wedding invitations checking both the “Yes, I Will Attend” and “No, I Will Not Attend?” boxes? What would it be like if he hosted a radio talk show? “All right, that’s it for today’s show, tune in again and I’ll see you tomorrow….or I might not.” Why aren’t we calling him Brian “Mr. Questionable” Westbrook? Meanwhile, we understand that the Boozers have sold his expensive diamond bling and traded up for a new limo. Check it out! 
And here’s the definition of irony: Did you know that Adam, manager of the Boozers, is an Edward Jones investment guy? And, did you know that Edward Jones Investments decided it would be a good idea to purchase the naming rights for St. Louis' football stadium, only now it's the most depressing crowd in the NFL other than in Detroit, and every week announcers say things like, "Man, you can hear a pin drop here at the Edward Jones Dome." Now that's a decision that makes me want to invest with Eddy! Wait, Adam, your company is the genius behind the Edward Jones Dome? Here's my money!Happy Hopheads vs. Sunday Brew Crew
Geez, it’s utterly apparent this week that the Hopheads somehow stumbled his way into the playoffs with no ambition of coming in on a winning note. Inside sources tell us that he has a new life-style (no, not similar to that of the Molesters). Instead, Hoppy is trying to live up to his name by balancing his lifelong pastime of cross-country running with guzzling as many sudsy brews as he can muster. Apparently, he’s even trying to conduct both hobbies at the same time.
And now he wants to add televised football to the list by watching, running, and guzzling all at the same time. Maybe we should all chip in and get him that treadmill with the built in cup-holder and five-inch LCD that he’s been wanting for Christmas. Meanwhile, the Brew Crew has also somehow found his way into the playoffs, with the likes of Roddy “White Boy” White (who names their kid “Roddy” anyway), Maurice “Can’t Decide on a Name” Jones-Drew (who names their kid “Maurice” anyway), and Chris Cooley. Speaking of Cooley, did you know that the four-time Pro Bowler has started his own blog to help his brother, Tanner (who names their kid “Tanner” anyway), pay for med school. Cooley estimates it will generate about $250,000 per year in advertising and merchandise sales, more than enough to pay for his sibling's education. Interestingly, Cooley recently revealed that he celebrated his wife Christy's 21st birthday by downing 21 shots of Jim Beam at a bar in West Virginia with her family, taking the sports blog world by storm. The result: a spread in the Washington Post, interviews on numerous sports shows, and the inspiration of football-rabid, beer-chugging athletes like Bobbo the world over. You can catch the blog at: http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/. Sidehill Gougers vs. Brown County Blues
So what? Big “bleaping” deal! The Blues somehow knocked off the Gougers, but couldn’t find a way to pound that last nail into the proverbial coffin. So, the Sidehill mob somehow found a way to teeter into the playoffs, beating the Molesters in points by the slimmest of margins. Good news, we guess, for the Gougers. Some guys get all the breaks, don’t they? I can't remember: was it the 1931 or the 1932 Chicago Bears who had their season fall apart after Red Grange and Bronko Nagurski were caught with StarCaps in their urine samples?
But no, the Gougers get to continue counting on their Minnesota defense, in spite of the fact that the Williams brothers get suspended and then unsuspended, saving his ass for yet one more week. And this week, it looks like Clark’s really gone out on a confidence limb, what with a former Arkansas Razorback named Peyton Hillis in his lineup. Just this week, a blitzed Razorbacks fan offered everyone $100 at 50-to-1 odds that Hillis would finish with more 2008 fantasy points than both Darren McFadden and Felix Jones? And why do I have a feeling Jerry Jones made his billions in a similar way? Anyway, in the end, the Gougers and Blues ended up best buds – just like Favre and Rodgers used to be. Nashville Nimrods vs. ChiTown Shysters
So the Nimrods beat the Shysters and made it into the playoffs. What else would you expect from the two-time champ of the league. But I would rather talk about a related issue. Like everyone else, I'm still disappointed that a receiver didn't honor Plaxico Burress last weekend by catching a touchdown, then pretending to shoot himself in the leg with the football and limp around helplessly.
This never would have not happened if Chad Johnson were still alive…errr, I mean still playing…ummm, being his same old crazy self. You didn’t really think you could get through this blog without a Plaxico story, right? Don’t be stupid! This one is a nice change of pace though, because it's not about conspiracy or tow trucks or angry mayors. It's about a website that allows patients to anonymously rate their doctors and provide nice, little comments about their services—and it just so happens that I discovered one dedicated to super-secret Giants doctor Josyann Abisaab, M.D., who is rumored to have treated Plax in his hour of need. I think you know where this is going. Here are some of the reviews that have been left in her blog during the past week:Dr. Abisaab was quick to respond when I showed up to the hospital with a hole in my leg caused by an accidental shooting at Applebee's this past weekend. She was going to report the incident until I showed her the gun that caused the hole in my leg. That changed her mind. Good thing, could you imagine the trouble I would be in if someone found out about my unregistered handgun. Oh, wait, nevermind.
Doc is top notch. I didn't have to wait too long, was brought in the back door, bandaged and on my way before I could change my sweatpants. I truly appreciated the help.
Anytime I shoot myself at 2 in the morning....Dr. Abisaab is going to be my first call.
Hey Shysters, do you think there’s any way that the Chiefs can hypnotize Larry Johnson into thinking every short-yardage situation is really a crowded bar filled with the boyfriends of women who just resisted his advances? Finally, while all of you were duking it out for some of those final playoff spots, Anita and I simply decided to sit back, drink our fine wine, and let the cow patties fall where they might. In the end, all I can say is that I’ve provided a recent picture of the two of us for those of you that have been asking. But let me warn you….we’ve gained a couple of pounds during this football season.
Dec 1, 2008
Commentary: Regular Season
Hi All! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving holiday, and that you’ve all recovered from it. The Commissioner’s Office was on the road for the holiday, so I missed getting the weekly review up before the Thanksgiving games and have been slouching ever since. The Commish is busy working on a review for the past week, but he’s too busy scheming on how he will win the league and then take over the world, so I’ll just leave him to his sinister plans.
In the blur of the holidays, we finished out our regular season of fantasy football and started the playoff rounds. Great season, guys! I have to say that this has been the most entertaining season of fantasy football yet. Who would have thought that Homer (Tim) could write, much less write coherently?! And who would have predicted that the Happy Hopheads would stay relatively curse-free? With the 3rd lowest points in the league, he managed to wiggle his way to the top of the standings. Un-freakin’-believable! If I would have known that in order to get ahead you just have to be a foul-mouthed, alcoholic skeezer, I would have changed my ways a long time ago.
I’d like to say Thanks to the Brown County Blues, Nonads, Dallas Demons and Southern Molesters. Even though you didn’t make the playoffs, you made the season interesting and worthwhile. Heck, I’ve even gleaned an educational opportunity from the Southern Molesters. My daughter now understands NOT to approach any person or any vehicle offering free candy. The candy may be free, but the consequences are… well, let’s just not go there right now. On a more serious note, our condolences go out to the Nonads for the loss of his father last month. Though many of us don’t know you well or even know you personally, we can all certainly sympathize with you.
To address a different issue, I ran across an interesting article online in the realm of fantasy football. For those of you who read, and read books without pictures, there is an old book out there known as the Art of War by Sun Tzu. One sports writer used it as the basis for trade negotiations –
Let me just stretch this a bit further and apply it to our league and how we interact with each other. Now, to be plain, I don’t know most of you, couldn’t identify you on the street, and wouldn’t know your voices if you called on the phone. (Somehow I’m convinced it would only be for a crank call and not to exchange cookie recipes!) And you all could probably say the same. Tim tries to convince me that the Texas Contingency is really a great bunch of guys, and he’s probably right. (Ha! And I’m the Queen of England!) That being said, there’s much that we miss, or cannot convey effectively, online. And there’s much that could be misunderstood. I’m not sure that any of you know what it’s like to be the only chic in a boy’s club. I’m not complaining, but I do have different boundaries than the rest of you, and I’m pretty sure that I’m sober A LOT MORE than most of you! WAY MORE. So, what’s the point here, you’re wondering. My point here is that it’s okay to encourage some live communication here. Wait! Don’t wince! I’m the chic in this league, remember? It’s my duty as a member of the female half of the species to encourage and open up communication. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt (much). And you might even come to like it. Things aren’t always done the Chicago way around here. What’s that? Let me quote the movie The Untouchables:
So, no grudges here. No hard feelings. The Commissioner’s Office is always open to phone calls, emails, faxes, large donations and friendly visits. And if you do have a good cookie recipe, I’m willing to exchange. In fact, I’m still looking for an authentic recipe for jambalaya. No heavy breathing on the phone, please. That’s old school!
In the blur of the holidays, we finished out our regular season of fantasy football and started the playoff rounds. Great season, guys! I have to say that this has been the most entertaining season of fantasy football yet. Who would have thought that Homer (Tim) could write, much less write coherently?! And who would have predicted that the Happy Hopheads would stay relatively curse-free? With the 3rd lowest points in the league, he managed to wiggle his way to the top of the standings. Un-freakin’-believable! If I would have known that in order to get ahead you just have to be a foul-mouthed, alcoholic skeezer, I would have changed my ways a long time ago.
I’d like to say Thanks to the Brown County Blues, Nonads, Dallas Demons and Southern Molesters. Even though you didn’t make the playoffs, you made the season interesting and worthwhile. Heck, I’ve even gleaned an educational opportunity from the Southern Molesters. My daughter now understands NOT to approach any person or any vehicle offering free candy. The candy may be free, but the consequences are… well, let’s just not go there right now. On a more serious note, our condolences go out to the Nonads for the loss of his father last month. Though many of us don’t know you well or even know you personally, we can all certainly sympathize with you.
To address a different issue, I ran across an interesting article online in the realm of fantasy football. For those of you who read, and read books without pictures, there is an old book out there known as the Art of War by Sun Tzu. One sports writer used it as the basis for trade negotiations –
If you are in the right type of league, most of your “enemies” are already your friends, friends of friends, or other people with whom you are sufficiently well acquainted. Long gone is the moniker “rotisserie league” which connoted a tight group of friends who got together. It has since been replaced by the impersonal invention of Al Gore called “the Internet.” Modern technology has dispensed with human contact and many fantasy leagues are now comprised of autonomous individuals who may know only a couple of other people in their respective leagues.
Getting to know the people in your league will serve as the most lethal weapon in your trading arsenal. The more often you converse with other team managers, the better read you have on how they value players. In the Internet age, we rely far too much on sending a trade offer, often joined by a one sentence quip on how the trade would help the other team. That trade offer is then rejected by a simple push of a button, from which we learn nothing. Live communication is the most effective means in which we may ascertain whether the complexion of other managers is that of a risk taker, conservative, or even fearful of their own shadow.
Let me just stretch this a bit further and apply it to our league and how we interact with each other. Now, to be plain, I don’t know most of you, couldn’t identify you on the street, and wouldn’t know your voices if you called on the phone. (Somehow I’m convinced it would only be for a crank call and not to exchange cookie recipes!) And you all could probably say the same. Tim tries to convince me that the Texas Contingency is really a great bunch of guys, and he’s probably right. (Ha! And I’m the Queen of England!) That being said, there’s much that we miss, or cannot convey effectively, online. And there’s much that could be misunderstood. I’m not sure that any of you know what it’s like to be the only chic in a boy’s club. I’m not complaining, but I do have different boundaries than the rest of you, and I’m pretty sure that I’m sober A LOT MORE than most of you! WAY MORE. So, what’s the point here, you’re wondering. My point here is that it’s okay to encourage some live communication here. Wait! Don’t wince! I’m the chic in this league, remember? It’s my duty as a member of the female half of the species to encourage and open up communication. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt (much). And you might even come to like it. Things aren’t always done the Chicago way around here. What’s that? Let me quote the movie The Untouchables:
You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way! And that's how you get Capone. Now do you want to do that?
So, no grudges here. No hard feelings. The Commissioner’s Office is always open to phone calls, emails, faxes, large donations and friendly visits. And if you do have a good cookie recipe, I’m willing to exchange. In fact, I’m still looking for an authentic recipe for jambalaya. No heavy breathing on the phone, please. That’s old school!
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