Howdy folks. Timmy the Greek here with my week 1 predictions. I just know all of you were waiting on my predictions before you decide your line up… NOT! Boy, this first week is going to be a tough one. Most of these match ups are going to be close. There is no telling how some of the rookies will do, and how well some of the vets will hold up this year. Well, let me take a crack at it anyway.
First matchup … Nimrods vs. my Heroes
Look at my heroes. What a line up! Tony Romo! As long as Jessica Simpson ain't in the stadium he will rack ‘em up. Edwards is a touchdown hound. Welker is about the smartest WR there is. Davis is a sleeper that nobody spotted. Actually he is probably the dumbest move I ever made but, what the hell, I’m on a roll so just gonna continue talking smack. Kevin Smith is going to be the rookie of the year. Ricky Williams is gonna be running like a madman. Parcels has this guy all figured out. Big Bill is gonna be stashing some high grade pot in the goal post pads for the first half then switch to stashing some muchies there for the second half of every game. Can’t see how that could fail.
Now Lou, what are you thinking, Dude? Burress would be a good choice if he actually had a decent QB throwing to him. Unfortunately for you Eli will throw to the defenders more than his wide outs, so you are screwed. And Carson Palmer is the exact opposite. Here is a real good QB who has nothing but a bunch of dope heads and cons for receivers. You just can’t win with this combination. Now Colston and James might get you some points, but Mendenhall can get taken down by a stiff breeze or a wet fart. Carlson for a TE? Who the hell is that? Isn’t he in the arena league? Should be. Your defense looks solid but this is fantasy football. You can’t win on defense alone in FF so sorry buddy, you're going down. You better get busy with some of your infamous wheeling and dealing dude. Do you need the Maulers phone number?
Prediction: Heroes by 10
Next up, the Shysters and Nonads:
Oh boy, look at this matchup. It can’t get any more lopsided than this one. Nonads, you are in real trouble on this first match up. McNabb ain't lasting a half before that old fart needs oxygen. And what's with Steve Smith? Didn’t daddy give him a time out because he couldn’t play nice with others? How about Santana Moss. He’s moldy. Your RB Johnson couldn’t run against Miami. What makes you think he’ll make any gains against New England? Now, Davis is a good TE, but that position is only good for a few points unless you have a stud like Witten. All I have to say about your defense is… What defense? If you see a projection of 00.00 it is time to pull your head out of your butt and make some adjustments.
Shysters, your team looks real good except that your loaded up with Steelers. Big Ben? Ever since that motorcycle wreck the only thing he can pass is gas. Holmes is good and Parker is a stud, but Ben? I guess that beats what you got on your bench. What were you thinking when you drafted Garrard? Unfortunately that is all the trash I can talk about your team. God knows I want to beat you up but you're not making it easy. Randy Moss is gonna light it up at home against KC. TJ is gonna be respectable. I think your TE will be a surprise, and your Indy Defense will get the full 10 point 'cause Chicago couldn’t score any offensive points if their lives depended on it.
Prediction: Shysters by 12
Gougers vs. Boozers:
Boozers, it looks like you laid off the sauce for the draft this year. Fitzgerald, Westbrook, Portis, Jennings and Holt… how did you pull that off? Did you just stumble into that or was that by design? You're ruining it for me, Dude. You were my favorite target last year. Now I gotta find a new dog to kick. Unfortunately you have a very formidable foe the first week. The Gougers are loaded with studs too! Driver, Williams and Bolden are all solid receivers. Then this guy got Adrian Peterson to boot! Can’t say much for his #2 RB Julius Jones. This guy is like your first shot at sex: real fast, going to fumble it, and nothing to write home about. I am torn on your QB. Part of me believes he is going to turn out to be a one year wonder. I’ll give him a week or two before I lay into him, but one thing I can say for sure - He ain't doing squat against my cowboys!
Prediction: Boozers by 4
By the way Boozers….have I ever told you I just love that team name?
Brown County Blues vs. Happy Hopheads:
Bob-o, who’s the Homer now? Favre and Rodgers? You do look real good at the WR position. Johnson is solid, and I think Harrison will come back strong this year. Only problem for you is that while Addai is a very good RB, Harrison will be the one getting the points on that team. And Lynch? Is that the best you could do? The guy couldn’t find the hole in a donut, and the Buffalo line can’t make one either. The only points that guy is gonna get you are negative ones.
The Brown County Blues reminds me of my team last year. Awfully mediocre. But he has Tom Brady who will save his ass enough times to see him into the playoffs. You do have a decent backfield with Grant & Maroney but I do not think either of them will light it up this year. Green Bay will not be able to open up the running game without Favre, and New England doesn’t need the running game with Brady as their QB. Your WRs are a sorry bunch. Did you let Yahoo do your draft? I’d name my team the blues too if I had that line up. Dude, you better hope Brady has another stellar year or you are toast.
Prediction: Hopheads by 2
The Brew Crew vs. The Maulers:
This one will be close. The Mauler got themselves a QB this year. I think Manning will have a hell of a game against Chicago. That Chicago defense ain't what it used to be. Hell, half those guys wear depends these days. Peyton should get you 15 points Gabe. Duane Bowe is a respectable WR, and Berrian should be good for 6 or 7 points. Bush will be a disappointment again this year, but I think San Fran is looking better which should help their running game, so Gore should do you well.
The Brew crew is banking on Brees to come back this year. HA! Not gonna happen. Roddy White is a bum and Johnson is a clown. But then you have LT, Jones-Drew and Winslow. That should even things up a bit. Only problem is that Maulers has that big Dallas D! He will gain 10 or 12 points with that D while the Brew Crew has the Tennesee D. Those bums couldn’t keep a Catholic priest from scoring. Brew Crew… Your screwed!
Prediction: Maulers by 3
Appropriately, Last but not Least’s VRS Dallas Demons:
Here we have to most sorry pair of QBs matched up against each other. A titty baby verses a fudge packer. Wonder who will come out on top with this match up? Let me take a guess… Eli will be face down.
I was hoping to make LBL my number one trash talk target this year but with that line up Pete is making it real hard on me. Look at that backfield, folks!!! Marian the Barbarion and Brandon Jacobs!! GOOD GOD! How can you do any better than that? Then he has Reggie Brown and Dallas Clark. Both of those guys are real solid. Hines Ward will be average, and I think DJ Hackett is Eli’s sister. He has been missing preseason cause he has a boo-boo on his toe. What a woosie! Oh yeah, by the way Pete… The Giants defense was a fluke last year. You might as well just dump them now.
The Demons will be no push over this year. Robert made some risky picks but I do believe they will pay off. Felix Jones will turn it on. That kind of duo with Barber and Jones will be such a change of pace no team will be able to prepare for it. Devin Hester will be used much more on the offense. With his big return ability and more involvement as a WR he should rack up some respectable points. Reggie Wayne is as solid as they come and Lee Evans is no slouch. Jason Witten is going to rack ‘em up for you! But Dude. Take my advice. Put Rivers on the bench. Better yet, put him out on the curb. Oh, wait a minute, now I see… you have Garcia as your backup QB. What the hell is wrong with you Robert? You have 2 fudge packers on your roster! Don’t drop the soap in the Demons locker room, folks!
Prediction: God I hate to say it …. LBL by 5.
Pete, that is only because of that backfield you got. Eli is still a titty baby and guess what else? THE GIANTS SUCK!
ENJOY THE FIRST WEEK OF FANTASY FOOTBALL FOLKS AND GOOD LUCK ALL (except for you Nimrods)
Aug 24, 2008
Wrap-Up: The Draft
Hi, Everyone, and welcome back to fantasy football. I’m still wrapped up in baseball season. So just like last season, the Commish has dragged me kicking and screaming into football season. Ah well, if I can’t fight ‘em, guess I gotta beat ‘em at their own game!
Draft day was pretty exciting at the Commissioner’s Office this year. At just 30 minutes before draft time our internet connection went down. Just plain disappeared. So I got on the phone with the ever-helpful tech support people, and their report to me was that because of a terrible storm in Laredo, Texas, we may be down for a little while. They tried to reassure me that once the weather cleared up, we would be back online. Then I got to thinking… hmmmm, is it merely coincidence that half of our league managers live in Texas… and at a critical time our internet connection would go on the fritz due to some "event" in Texas? This sounds like a Chicago move! Did you see the movie, “The Untouchables”? Capone said, “Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with him.” Now, I’m not pointing any fingers (yet) but you don’t want anyone from Chicago to get the wrong idea, now, do you??!!
In looking at the teams once the draft was done, it looks as though everyone came out all right. But the real interesting maneuvers came AFTER the draft, and boy, oh boy, were there some maneuvers. This league has made more moves than Ex-lax! And we’re just getting started! There’s a lot of horse flesh being added and dropped out there, no trades just yet. One or two managers have replaced nearly half of their team already. But an anonymous inside source at the Commissioner’s office says that the Commish is already sniffing around for that jaw-dropping trade. Look out, Managers! Timmy’s predictions about the Commish’s draft may come true!
As for the rest of Timmy the Greek’s predictions, I’d have to say that he was about 80% right. Half the guys didn’t actually attend the live draft, so it was expected that at the end of the draft, some of the team rosters would look like some poor creature Dr. Frankenstein experimented with before he finally put together his monster. And, Timmy, you were right about the Sidehill Gougers. It’s always those quiet ones you have to be careful of – you’re never quite sure what’s really going on in that maniacal mind.
I can’t comment on the rest of the Texas connection. Yet. I’ve gotta give them a fair chance to play with the copious amount of rope that is being slowly and carefully provided to them. (insert evil laugh here.) Oh, and just for the record, the Commish doesn’t sleep with his back to the wall. He sleeps with one eye open.
Draft day was pretty exciting at the Commissioner’s Office this year. At just 30 minutes before draft time our internet connection went down. Just plain disappeared. So I got on the phone with the ever-helpful tech support people, and their report to me was that because of a terrible storm in Laredo, Texas, we may be down for a little while. They tried to reassure me that once the weather cleared up, we would be back online. Then I got to thinking… hmmmm, is it merely coincidence that half of our league managers live in Texas… and at a critical time our internet connection would go on the fritz due to some "event" in Texas? This sounds like a Chicago move! Did you see the movie, “The Untouchables”? Capone said, “Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with him.” Now, I’m not pointing any fingers (yet) but you don’t want anyone from Chicago to get the wrong idea, now, do you??!!
In looking at the teams once the draft was done, it looks as though everyone came out all right. But the real interesting maneuvers came AFTER the draft, and boy, oh boy, were there some maneuvers. This league has made more moves than Ex-lax! And we’re just getting started! There’s a lot of horse flesh being added and dropped out there, no trades just yet. One or two managers have replaced nearly half of their team already. But an anonymous inside source at the Commissioner’s office says that the Commish is already sniffing around for that jaw-dropping trade. Look out, Managers! Timmy’s predictions about the Commish’s draft may come true!
As for the rest of Timmy the Greek’s predictions, I’d have to say that he was about 80% right. Half the guys didn’t actually attend the live draft, so it was expected that at the end of the draft, some of the team rosters would look like some poor creature Dr. Frankenstein experimented with before he finally put together his monster. And, Timmy, you were right about the Sidehill Gougers. It’s always those quiet ones you have to be careful of – you’re never quite sure what’s really going on in that maniacal mind.
I can’t comment on the rest of the Texas connection. Yet. I’ve gotta give them a fair chance to play with the copious amount of rope that is being slowly and carefully provided to them. (insert evil laugh here.) Oh, and just for the record, the Commish doesn’t sleep with his back to the wall. He sleeps with one eye open.
Aug 19, 2008
Is Denver's Running Game Any Good?
The Mike "Shananigans" annual running-back derby is in full swing, and although Selvin Young is the projected starter on his ever-changing depth chart, does anyone really feel comfortable depending on him? Sorry, Maulers, but I think you took a huge risk drafting him (you might make me eat these words when we play each other though).
Still, let's be real...at this point in Denver's running-game sweepstakes, is it safe to dismiss any possibility or combination? Anthony Alridge? Why not? Ryan Torain with a bionic elbow? Maybe. Barry Sanders, Kordell Stewart, Howie Long, or Michael Jordan? All right, maybe not, but I can't say I'd be totally shocked.
Selvin Young was appropriately picked in the ninth round by the Maulers, but the better risk might have been Andre Hall. Hall had already risen to number 2 on the depth chart, even before Ryan Torain's elbow injury. And although he's a bit smaller than Young, he's faster. Looking back at last year's comparison between Young and Hall, Andre had limited action but had a solid game against Chicago with 26 carries for 98 yards and 1 TD. Meanwhile, Young did most of his damage in two starts against Kansas City (37 carries for 256 yards total). Essentially, both backs have pretty much the same potential and ended up with a yards-per-carry of around five.
Meanwhile, we may have all missed the potential of Eddie Royal. As you may not have heard, the speedy rookie WR has been sensational in training camp and has been promoted to starter. Rookies are risky, but even if he catches a few long TD passes from Jay Cutler this year, he is worth considering off the waiver wire.
Aug 16, 2008
How to add a post to the blog
Just in case you are new to blogging or Blogger, I've included a link to a help file that will show you how to add a post to the blog. There aren't any obvious links on any of the pages of the blog, so it's not the most intuitive thing.
If you have accepted the invitation to be an author of this blog, you will have created a username and password for a Google account. (Please do not contact the Commissioner's office if you have lost or forgotten your username or password!) Once you are logged in, you will see your Dashboard, from which you can post to any blog of which you are an author.
If you are still having trouble, send me an email and I will try to help out as best as I can.
How to post to your blog
(Original post 8/12/08. Re-posted 8/15/08)
If you have accepted the invitation to be an author of this blog, you will have created a username and password for a Google account. (Please do not contact the Commissioner's office if you have lost or forgotten your username or password!) Once you are logged in, you will see your Dashboard, from which you can post to any blog of which you are an author.
If you are still having trouble, send me an email and I will try to help out as best as I can.
How to post to your blog
(Original post 8/12/08. Re-posted 8/15/08)
Aug 15, 2008
Miss Manners Does Draft Party Etiquette
Draft day is quickly approaching, and perhaps you’ve already made plans to have your fellow managers over for a draft party. As with anything else, there’s a right way to do things, and there’s a better way. Fantasy football draft parties have a mood, an atmosphere that helps to set the tone for the rest of the season. Here are some “suggestions” from our fantasy football Miss Manners.
THE DRAFT ROOM or better known as THE WAR ROOM
There are some things that are mandatory. Every draft room requires the correct setting. Smoke filled rooms have become passé with the anti-tobacconists ruling the moment, so forget the tense, smoke-filled room scenario. But if you have smokers in your group, make sure they have easy access to the patio. Then lock the patio door behind them…
Back in the old days, drafts were done on paper and on a big board in someone’s living room. Nowadays, fantasy football wouldn’t be the national obsession it is without its use of the Internet. If you haven’t figured out how to set up a wireless network in your home, well then you’ve been sleeping under a rock.
There are a number of affordable wireless routers that are very easy to set up within minutes. If you are unsure of messing with hardware, you’re best bet is to find a friend who is, or to take over your local Starbucks. We’ll be able to identify the guys who are drafting from their Starbucks, hyped up on vente lattes with triple espresso shots: these are the guys that will try to pick their whole team in the first round, over-clicking the mouse while whooping uncontrollably.
Drafting a fantasy football team may not be rocket science, but it does require preparation. Being properly supplied makes the grueling business of drafting a team more efficient, allowing the owners the opportunity to focus attention on the eternal questions of fantasy drafting, "Do I take a LaDainian Tomlinson or Adrian Peterson with my first pick?" And if you're green with the twelfth pick, posing the same foolish question to yourself prior to the draft starting.
During the Draft, music is optional but if music is desired, only suggested music for the occasion. It cannot take away from the most anticipated day of the year! Artists such as Stevie Ray Vaughnn, AC/DC and Johnnie Lang are acceptable. Even early Aerosmith but please, please pass on their latest jaded efforts. Avoid at all costs any music that might be labeled cute. Sorry but this means no Brittney Spears, no Jonas Brothers, no Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus. The music must inspire but not to the point of diverting our fearless drafters from their appointed rounds. As festive and intense as our Draft Day will be it might be better to pass on music until afterwards. Once the draft starts no one will be paying attention to the music anyway.
FOODS
Our warriors must be well-fed and fully supplied with sumptuous treats. Finger foods are appropriate but care must be taken to avoid the sticky, gooey kinds of foods that will stain one's cheat sheets and notes. Chicken wings regrettably fall into this category and should be eschewed. You wouldn’t want anyone whining afterwards that he didn’t get his pick because his finger slipped off the mouse because of your greasy food. (Slob!) Sandwiches and chips and dips are a must. Hard Pretzels and beer would suffice for the duration of the draft but a mighty appetite will surely result from the hours of cutthroat dealing and daring decision making. Some franchise owners might require sustenance during the draft and at this point a hearty bowl full of spicy chili is highly regarded. Easily spooned into the mouth, Chili is at once nourishing and delicious but deadly a few hours later. Time to unlock that patio door now! However, wolfing a bowl of chili permits the draftniks to focus more closely on the business at hand; sweating out the three picks ahead of you as you anticipate the fall of the "hope-to-be stud" into your eager hands.
BEVERAGES
Now sweating out the picks and perhaps sweating from the chili or dip, one's precious bodily fluids must be replaced. It is suggested that our weekend warriors be supplied with at least two beverages. Obviously Gatorade, soda, water or anything of the like is acceptable! The other must be beer. Imported, domestic, or home brewed, it's not relevant. It must be very cold, easily within reach, and plenty of it. However we would be remiss if we did not warn of the many problems that can be associated with alcohol. Getting home safe and sound is the first and foremost concern. If you do intend to consume quantities of beer, have a designated driver. A duty of both the host and the Commissioner should be to make sure no one gets behind the wheel in an inebriated state.
From the fantasy football perspective, the wise owner will delay alcohol consumption until the end of the draft or at the very least be moderate in your consumption. This, I’ve learned, may be a challenge for some of you. More than one owner's fantasy dreams were dashed by the effects of alcohol on the drafting process. The pounding headache and hangover the day after will only increase when one wonders, how the hell did I get that dog on my team? Shaun Alexander? Isn't he still a free agent? Yes, my friends, drafts have had this happen to them! Less scrupulous fantasy owners have used alcohol to dim the wits of their buddies while the draft goes on. (You wouldn't believe how EASY it is!) While we're on this topic, be wary of those who use a pretty woman to distract from the draft, usually one of the better looking spouses or girlfriends. An alluring and determined, well-placed and well endowed beauty can easily distract even the most ardent fantasy owner. While this practice is certainly discouraged, it has been employed more than once by those desperate to get the edge on their league. (Guys – don’t pimp your bride!)
THE BETTER HALF
Now the tough part; despite days of intense study and trade negotiations, and weeks of neglecting the better half, i.e. the girlfriends and the wives, surprisingly the option still lingers; to invite or not to invite? That is the question. Miss Manners offers no definitive rules on this topic so your author will go where many a brave man has dared not. Invite the girls! In fact, the more, the better. What better way to assert your masculinity than to earn the women-folk's approving nods and "oooohs" and "ahhhs" as we stare down our rival owners and snatch our prey right from under the noses of our adversaries
Sadly, realistically the ladies probably won't come or if they do, they will be quickly bored. Regardless, the point is to show them you care and want them involved. Remember, you need someone to maintain the War Room and a huge pardon to the women reading this but they can keep the warriors well fed! If it's an all-woman league, then put the men to work, though like the women, the effort is probably futile. If you really want to get the women involved, let them be your co-owner, even if it's in name only, get them involved. It is imperative to keep your lady friend happy and satisfied. Nothing can upset a blissful Sunday afternoon in the fall like an irate wife or girlfriend complaining that all you do is sit around and watch football on TV. Hey, it's true! But if you plan ahead and involve the lady in your franchise and encourage her to participate, you've got a lovely partner!
PARTY TIME
With the women folk around and you're already among friends, after the draft, why not a party? All the ingredients are there. The food, the beer, the music, the ladies! The tension has been released, the rosters are set! Let the "smack" talk begin! Now party like it's 1999 ... err Opening Day 2008!
Well that's it. Now the hard work is over. Now we can slip through until the start of the season with pleasant fantasy dreams about our soon to be championship season. A quick vacation to the beach or the mountains with the wife or girlfriend, maybe even with the family, will help the time pass and soothe any wounds left over from the neglect we inflicted prior to draft day. A trade here, a waiver tweak there, and our roster should be ready for the season opener. Remember, draft day is the first and arguably most important battle in the war called fantasy football.
(Adapted from the article “The Best Fantasy Draft Day Ever” by Bill Walker)
THE DRAFT ROOM or better known as THE WAR ROOM
There are some things that are mandatory. Every draft room requires the correct setting. Smoke filled rooms have become passé with the anti-tobacconists ruling the moment, so forget the tense, smoke-filled room scenario. But if you have smokers in your group, make sure they have easy access to the patio. Then lock the patio door behind them…
Back in the old days, drafts were done on paper and on a big board in someone’s living room. Nowadays, fantasy football wouldn’t be the national obsession it is without its use of the Internet. If you haven’t figured out how to set up a wireless network in your home, well then you’ve been sleeping under a rock.
There are a number of affordable wireless routers that are very easy to set up within minutes. If you are unsure of messing with hardware, you’re best bet is to find a friend who is, or to take over your local Starbucks. We’ll be able to identify the guys who are drafting from their Starbucks, hyped up on vente lattes with triple espresso shots: these are the guys that will try to pick their whole team in the first round, over-clicking the mouse while whooping uncontrollably.Drafting a fantasy football team may not be rocket science, but it does require preparation. Being properly supplied makes the grueling business of drafting a team more efficient, allowing the owners the opportunity to focus attention on the eternal questions of fantasy drafting, "Do I take a LaDainian Tomlinson or Adrian Peterson with my first pick?" And if you're green with the twelfth pick, posing the same foolish question to yourself prior to the draft starting.
During the Draft, music is optional but if music is desired, only suggested music for the occasion. It cannot take away from the most anticipated day of the year! Artists such as Stevie Ray Vaughnn, AC/DC and Johnnie Lang are acceptable. Even early Aerosmith but please, please pass on their latest jaded efforts. Avoid at all costs any music that might be labeled cute. Sorry but this means no Brittney Spears, no Jonas Brothers, no Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus. The music must inspire but not to the point of diverting our fearless drafters from their appointed rounds. As festive and intense as our Draft Day will be it might be better to pass on music until afterwards. Once the draft starts no one will be paying attention to the music anyway.
FOODS
Our warriors must be well-fed and fully supplied with sumptuous treats. Finger foods are appropriate but care must be taken to avoid the sticky, gooey kinds of foods that will stain one's cheat sheets and notes. Chicken wings regrettably fall into this category and should be eschewed. You wouldn’t want anyone whining afterwards that he didn’t get his pick because his finger slipped off the mouse because of your greasy food. (Slob!) Sandwiches and chips and dips are a must. Hard Pretzels and beer would suffice for the duration of the draft but a mighty appetite will surely result from the hours of cutthroat dealing and daring decision making. Some franchise owners might require sustenance during the draft and at this point a hearty bowl full of spicy chili is highly regarded. Easily spooned into the mouth, Chili is at once nourishing and delicious but deadly a few hours later. Time to unlock that patio door now! However, wolfing a bowl of chili permits the draftniks to focus more closely on the business at hand; sweating out the three picks ahead of you as you anticipate the fall of the "hope-to-be stud" into your eager hands.
BEVERAGES
Now sweating out the picks and perhaps sweating from the chili or dip, one's precious bodily fluids must be replaced. It is suggested that our weekend warriors be supplied with at least two beverages. Obviously Gatorade, soda, water or anything of the like is acceptable! The other must be beer. Imported, domestic, or home brewed, it's not relevant. It must be very cold, easily within reach, and plenty of it. However we would be remiss if we did not warn of the many problems that can be associated with alcohol. Getting home safe and sound is the first and foremost concern. If you do intend to consume quantities of beer, have a designated driver. A duty of both the host and the Commissioner should be to make sure no one gets behind the wheel in an inebriated state.
From the fantasy football perspective, the wise owner will delay alcohol consumption until the end of the draft or at the very least be moderate in your consumption. This, I’ve learned, may be a challenge for some of you. More than one owner's fantasy dreams were dashed by the effects of alcohol on the drafting process. The pounding headache and hangover the day after will only increase when one wonders, how the hell did I get that dog on my team? Shaun Alexander? Isn't he still a free agent? Yes, my friends, drafts have had this happen to them! Less scrupulous fantasy owners have used alcohol to dim the wits of their buddies while the draft goes on. (You wouldn't believe how EASY it is!) While we're on this topic, be wary of those who use a pretty woman to distract from the draft, usually one of the better looking spouses or girlfriends. An alluring and determined, well-placed and well endowed beauty can easily distract even the most ardent fantasy owner. While this practice is certainly discouraged, it has been employed more than once by those desperate to get the edge on their league. (Guys – don’t pimp your bride!)
THE BETTER HALF
Now the tough part; despite days of intense study and trade negotiations, and weeks of neglecting the better half, i.e. the girlfriends and the wives, surprisingly the option still lingers; to invite or not to invite? That is the question. Miss Manners offers no definitive rules on this topic so your author will go where many a brave man has dared not. Invite the girls! In fact, the more, the better. What better way to assert your masculinity than to earn the women-folk's approving nods and "oooohs" and "ahhhs" as we stare down our rival owners and snatch our prey right from under the noses of our adversaries
Sadly, realistically the ladies probably won't come or if they do, they will be quickly bored. Regardless, the point is to show them you care and want them involved. Remember, you need someone to maintain the War Room and a huge pardon to the women reading this but they can keep the warriors well fed! If it's an all-woman league, then put the men to work, though like the women, the effort is probably futile. If you really want to get the women involved, let them be your co-owner, even if it's in name only, get them involved. It is imperative to keep your lady friend happy and satisfied. Nothing can upset a blissful Sunday afternoon in the fall like an irate wife or girlfriend complaining that all you do is sit around and watch football on TV. Hey, it's true! But if you plan ahead and involve the lady in your franchise and encourage her to participate, you've got a lovely partner!
PARTY TIME
With the women folk around and you're already among friends, after the draft, why not a party? All the ingredients are there. The food, the beer, the music, the ladies! The tension has been released, the rosters are set! Let the "smack" talk begin! Now party like it's 1999 ... err Opening Day 2008!
Well that's it. Now the hard work is over. Now we can slip through until the start of the season with pleasant fantasy dreams about our soon to be championship season. A quick vacation to the beach or the mountains with the wife or girlfriend, maybe even with the family, will help the time pass and soothe any wounds left over from the neglect we inflicted prior to draft day. A trade here, a waiver tweak there, and our roster should be ready for the season opener. Remember, draft day is the first and arguably most important battle in the war called fantasy football.
(Adapted from the article “The Best Fantasy Draft Day Ever” by Bill Walker)
Aug 12, 2008
Handcuffs - Love 'Em or Leave 'Em Alone?
If Clowntown managers learned anything last year, it was that backup running backs can and will have a huge impact on fantasyland. Injuries are frequent in the NFL, and workhorses take more pounding than Olympic gymnasts on the parallel bars. No less than 20 starting backs missed games due to injury last year, including Steven Jackson, Joseph Addai, Frank Gore, Larry Johnson, Laurence Maroney, Travis Henry, Willie Parker, Shaun Alexander, Rudi Johnson, Reggie Bush, Cadillac Williams and Ronnie Brown.
As a result, lesser-knowns like Ryan Grant, Earnest Graham, Selvin Young and Justin Fargas suddenly became fantasyland fill-ins - and helped some of us into and out of the playoffs in the process. Others, such as Kenton Keith, Kenny Watson and Ahmad Bradshaw, provided a flash-in-the-pan lift for those owners lucky enough to insert them into their starting lineups at the right time.
In fantasy language, these backups have come to be called "handcuffs," a term reserved fairly exclusively for running backs. After all, backup quarterbacks are rarely worth drafting - with the possible exception of Kurt Warner in Arizona (right Bob) - and there always seems to be enough starting tight ends, kickers, and wide receivers to go around.
When considering the merits of drafting a handcuff, three factors should be in your mind:
So, let's take a quick look at a couple of backup rushers who should - and shouldn't - be on your draft radar. The following offer a few examples of essential insurance for owners drafting the respective starters:
Chester Taylor, Vikings: arguably the most important insurance policy in Clowntown fantasyland, Taylor is a proven commodity lost in the shadow of a superstar. Adrian Peterson has a well-earned reputation for missing time due to injury; so if you make him your top pick, you might not want to allow a competitor to snare Taylor. But be advised: he'll cost you a mid-round selection.
Lorenzo Booker, Eagles: acquired from Miami with an eye on keeping Brian Westbrook fresh, Booker will get a handful of carries each game. And since Westbrook has yet to play a full 16-game season in his entire career, it's a safe bet the dual-threat reserve will get a starting turn at some point.
Chris Johnson, Titans: the Titans didn't use the 24th pick in the April draft on the explosive runner to let him sit on his butt. Johnson should get a big share of the carries even if LenDale White is productive, especially after his 66-yard scoring romp in the preseason opener.
Fred Jackson, Bills: He filled in capably when fellow rookie Marshawn Lynch injured his ankle and should do so again if called upon this season.
On the other side of the fantasyland coin, the Commish says to let the following relievers slide:
Tatum Bell, Lions: few believe the veteran will hold off Kevin Smith in the competition to start. And should the rookie falter, even fewer would race to acquire Bell.
Andre Hall, Broncos: now that promising rookie Ryan Torain is in jeopardy of missing the season with a broken elbow, Hall is the current favorite to back up Selvin Young. But fantasy veterans know that Denver's backfield depth chart is a fluid beast, making Hall's lock on the No. 2 position tenuous at best.
DeShaun Foster, 49ers: he never scored more than four times in any of his four seasons in Carolina. How much more could you reasonably expect from him in San Francisco?
Several teams have no obvious successor in place should their starting tailback meet disaster. Most are likely to move to a committee arrangement, where neither backup offers much value. Until the Commish changes his noggin, avoid drafting reserve rushers from the following teams: Arizona, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Houston, Indianapolis, Kansas City, New England, San Diego and Tampa Bay.
As a result, lesser-knowns like Ryan Grant, Earnest Graham, Selvin Young and Justin Fargas suddenly became fantasyland fill-ins - and helped some of us into and out of the playoffs in the process. Others, such as Kenton Keith, Kenny Watson and Ahmad Bradshaw, provided a flash-in-the-pan lift for those owners lucky enough to insert them into their starting lineups at the right time.
In fantasy language, these backups have come to be called "handcuffs," a term reserved fairly exclusively for running backs. After all, backup quarterbacks are rarely worth drafting - with the possible exception of Kurt Warner in Arizona (right Bob) - and there always seems to be enough starting tight ends, kickers, and wide receivers to go around.
When considering the merits of drafting a handcuff, three factors should be in your mind:
- The relative quality of the backup. Is he talented enough to pick up where the starter left off, or is the team's running game likely in the toilet without its star? The backfields in Arizona, Chicago, Detroit and San Francisco come to the Commish's to mind.
- The injury history of the starter. While even the most durable back can crumble on any given play, some have proven to be more brittle than others. If you invest a premium pick on a player returning from serious injury, the risk is magnified.
- The backup's path to the top. Is the depth chart order clear in the event of emergency, or would the starter's loss prompt a heated competition for the job? If you ain't certain who would get the nod, the Commish says don't risk wasting a draft pick on the wrong guy.
So, let's take a quick look at a couple of backup rushers who should - and shouldn't - be on your draft radar. The following offer a few examples of essential insurance for owners drafting the respective starters:
Chester Taylor, Vikings: arguably the most important insurance policy in Clowntown fantasyland, Taylor is a proven commodity lost in the shadow of a superstar. Adrian Peterson has a well-earned reputation for missing time due to injury; so if you make him your top pick, you might not want to allow a competitor to snare Taylor. But be advised: he'll cost you a mid-round selection.
Lorenzo Booker, Eagles: acquired from Miami with an eye on keeping Brian Westbrook fresh, Booker will get a handful of carries each game. And since Westbrook has yet to play a full 16-game season in his entire career, it's a safe bet the dual-threat reserve will get a starting turn at some point.
Chris Johnson, Titans: the Titans didn't use the 24th pick in the April draft on the explosive runner to let him sit on his butt. Johnson should get a big share of the carries even if LenDale White is productive, especially after his 66-yard scoring romp in the preseason opener.
Fred Jackson, Bills: He filled in capably when fellow rookie Marshawn Lynch injured his ankle and should do so again if called upon this season.
On the other side of the fantasyland coin, the Commish says to let the following relievers slide:
Tatum Bell, Lions: few believe the veteran will hold off Kevin Smith in the competition to start. And should the rookie falter, even fewer would race to acquire Bell.
Andre Hall, Broncos: now that promising rookie Ryan Torain is in jeopardy of missing the season with a broken elbow, Hall is the current favorite to back up Selvin Young. But fantasy veterans know that Denver's backfield depth chart is a fluid beast, making Hall's lock on the No. 2 position tenuous at best.
DeShaun Foster, 49ers: he never scored more than four times in any of his four seasons in Carolina. How much more could you reasonably expect from him in San Francisco?
Several teams have no obvious successor in place should their starting tailback meet disaster. Most are likely to move to a committee arrangement, where neither backup offers much value. Until the Commish changes his noggin, avoid drafting reserve rushers from the following teams: Arizona, Chicago, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Houston, Indianapolis, Kansas City, New England, San Diego and Tampa Bay.
The Commish
Hello, my name is Lou and I'm an alco... (wait, that's another place I need to be later today). Anyway, my name is Lou and I'm the Commish and the two-time reigning champion of the league (might as well give me your money right now). If you want to know my unbelievable strategy of superiority, simply send $25 to the address listed. Oh never mind, I'm feeling generous, so I'll share my thoughts with you for absolutely nothing. All I can say is you should follow these easy steps and you, too, can be highly successful in both fantasy football and life in general:
1. Draft any players in any position in any order you choose (as Timmy the Greek so brilliantly pointed out, this makes absolutely no difference whatsoever; so, go ahead, grab up nine available tight ends if you want).
2. Next, drink in moderation (I know this will be highly difficult and stressful for about half of you managers out there, but it's for your own good; come on, Bob, set a good example).
3. Now, simply get rid of all the crappy players you have that make your team seem kind of sucky, and replace them with far superior talent (there's always some brilliant strategist believing himself to be a great manager who doesn't know the subtle distinctions between football and squash; he'll trade with you).
4. And viola! You are now all set to become the new champion of the world.
Aug 10, 2008
DRAFT DAY PREDICTIONS & TEAM INTRODUCTIONS
Howdy folks.
We have some new players this year so I decided to mix in introductions with my draft predictions. For you new guys let me warn you up front. This will be anything BUT flattering. I am not known for blowing hot air up anyone’s skirt. Not known for being all that good at predictions either. But what the hell, I love bustin every ones chops.
Let me start out with the crew from the northeast…
First up, our illustrious commissioner and last years champ. The
Prediction: Draft day will be a bust for the Nimrods but like always he will sell his soul to trade for some major studs and leave some bum with a roster full of weanies.
On to the Chitown Shysters: Folks, watch out for this one. That team name says it all. She is a sly one. Real stealthy. Don’t turn your back on her. She is like a bobcat stalking her prey. Turn your back on her for a minute and she goes for the kill. No mercy. Sure feel sorry for the poor sap that married this one. I’ll bet he sleeps with his back to the wall every night. LOL!
Prediction: She will load up on stud receivers and running backs but will draft a noodle arm QB.
Next we have The Sidehill Gougers. Here is a quiet one. No matter what chain you pull, you can’t hardly get any smack talk out of this guy. Believe me, I tried. Gonna have to give it another shot this year. You ready Gougers? Want a piece of this? Got anything for me or you gonna be a lame duck?
Prediction: Gougers will go for receivers right out of the gate. He will put together a team that will do the talking for him.
The Bellmont Boozers. God I love that team name. What a classic! But that is all the good I can say about this clown. He must be hitting the sauce awfully hard whenever he drafts and sets his line up. Go find yourself a support group Boozers cause you aint getting no pity here.
Prediction: This will be a train wreck. But like any wreck you just can’t help it, you gotta look. I’ll bet this guy will be so tanked on draft day that he loads up on defense and forgets to draft a QB.
Now introducing Bobs Blues: Still singing the blues from last year
Prediction:
In this corner is Brown County Blues. Boy I really bit myself in the ass with this guy last year. I talked so much trash to him all year. Got pretty ugly at times. Then at the end of the season I find out this guy is a preacher. Man, I’m going to hell! No wonder the second half of my season went to crap. I’ll bet
Prediction: He will pull off a miracle draft. One thing I can accurately predict here. I’m gonna lay off this guy. Don’t need him putting the voodoo on me again. I don’t need any help at sucking. I’m pretty good at that on my own.
On to the
Prediction: This guy will be prepared this year. He will go for a premier QB right out of the gate. I am willing to bet he winds up with a certain stud rookie RB from
Now for the cream of the crop… The Southern Maulers: Oh, I have just been dying to talk smack about you
Predictions: The Maulers will walk away from the draft with the best looking team of them all. But don’t worry. He’ll blow it.
Next comes my
Prediction: Cowboys all the way!
On to our rookies…
Introducing the Sunday Brew Crew: Now here is a real in the flesh sales man. Watch out
Prediction: Big football fan. Mostly college so he should ferret out the stud rookies but the rest of his lineup wouldn’t make the CFL.
Here we have the Nonads: What the hell is a Nonad Steve? You trying to tell us your team is going to have cahoonas? I don’t think anyone on your team will even have a use for a jock strap. I’m willing to bet you load up with a bunch of thumb sucking wannabies. Welcome to the league bud. You’re my best friend
Prediction: TO will be his first pick and it goes downhill from there.
Appropriatly in the final spot…Last but not Least’s: Folks, here is our resident procrastinator. This guy probably wont even show up for the draft until it is half way over.
Prediction: No telling since Yahoo will be drafting in his absence. One thing is for sure..... The Giants SUCK!
Now that I got that out of my system I feel much better.Aug 9, 2008
All Hail to King Favre
In the words of Roland LaPrise, Charles Macak and Tafit Baker:
That's what it's all about, isn't it? After several weeks of the Packers doing the Hokey Pokey with Brett Favre and Packers fans, the dirty deed has been done and Brett is a New York Jet. Favre may be returning to the NFL in a green jersey, but a number of startling things have happened. John Madden's head has exploded, ESPN's programming has been set for the past month, and Viagra sales in New York are about to wane due to the excitement of Jets fans. But here's one thing that should also happen: Aaron Rodgers should ask to be traded.
Favre dispatched a number of text messages to Packers GM Ted Thompson, and Rodgers should be next in line with: "Wnt 2 b trded."
So, even though Favre isn't coming back to play in a Packers uniform, Rodgers should do himself a favor and ask out. He's in a lose-lose position anyway, because Pack fans will be sure to remind him over and over and over again that, in fact, he is not the Divine Quarterback of Green Bay and he never will be. Granted, the fourth-year QB didn't do himself any favors in a recent Sports Illustrated story by essentially telling his fans to get on board or take a hike, but he has since backtracked a bit.
One other thing to consider is this: it's just possible that Favre's season last year was a fluke? The previous two years, with Rodgers behind him, Favre was a below average QB, combining to throw 38 TD's compared to 47 interceptions while completing just 59% of his passes.
Favre had his time in the northern Wisconsin sun, and chose to end it. And for the sake of Aaron Rodgers' career, let's hope he does what he can to end the charade and get the hell out of Dodge before the townfolk consider riding him off on a rail.
Still, rather than rehashing everything that has been said, printed, argued, whispered, and blogged about this fiasco, The Commish will focus on what this means to us fantasy football owners the world over. So listen up...
1. What does this mean to the value of Packer fantasy players?
All of the rankings prior to Brett's potential return were based on his staying retired, so my advice is to evaluate all Packer players based upon their pre-season ranking and performance.
2. What exactly is Brett Favre's fantasy value?
Let's see just how quickly Brett and the Jet's receiving corps gel over the next few weeks of pre-season. The Commish's opinion is that Brett should be ranked around #15 unless his pre-season performance is absolutely outstanding. Keep in mind that, other than the Patriots, Favre will face Miami and Buffalo twice each enroute to the leagues 25th easiest schedule overall.
3. How does this impact the Jets receiver corps value?
As of today Laveranues Coles and Jericho Cotchery are ranked (according to Yahoo) as #26 and #30 respectively in this year's wide receiver draft. I don't think that Favre's arrival will move them up 10 positions with the likes of Hines Ward, Dwayne Bowe and Greg Jennings. I would, however, suggest that you can all feel comfortable (or uncomfortable, perhaps) moving one or the other up 4 or 5 slots with Lee Evan and Calvin Johnson. Meanwhile, TE Chris Baker and rookie TE Dustin Keller could be huge beneficiaries of Favre's arrival. Baker may be used more for blocking, while Keller is not even a decent run or pass blocking TE, but his hands and above-average quickness are attractive. Keller is currently ranked as the 36th rated TE but The Commish has no problem moving him up 10 to 20 Slots with the likes of Alge Crumpler and Vernon Davis. Keller has been compared to a young fellow roster mate and former Packer Bubba Franks.
4. How does the Farve trade impact the Jets running game?
The Commish believed that Thomas Jones was a 2008 sleeper and with Favre under center he should clearly be on many Clowntown Clan owners' radar. Defenses won't be able to pack the box to stop the run with Farve under center, so Jones should find room to run between a greatly upgraded offensive line. Leon Washington will also get his shots at rushing the ball.
5. How will the Jets overall season turn out?
Playing the 25th easiest schedule is just what the doctor ordered for the Jets, who were actually vastly improved without Farve. The Jets are in a weak division (other than the "perfect" Patriots) and face the Raiders and Chiefs who ranked at the bottom of their division. I predict that: the Jets won't make the playoffs. Still, The Commish seriously thinks they could approach the .500 mark.
You put your whole self in,
You put your whole self out;
You put your whole self in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around....
That's what it's all about, isn't it? After several weeks of the Packers doing the Hokey Pokey with Brett Favre and Packers fans, the dirty deed has been done and Brett is a New York Jet. Favre may be returning to the NFL in a green jersey, but a number of startling things have happened. John Madden's head has exploded, ESPN's programming has been set for the past month, and Viagra sales in New York are about to wane due to the excitement of Jets fans. But here's one thing that should also happen: Aaron Rodgers should ask to be traded.
Favre dispatched a number of text messages to Packers GM Ted Thompson, and Rodgers should be next in line with: "Wnt 2 b trded."
So, even though Favre isn't coming back to play in a Packers uniform, Rodgers should do himself a favor and ask out. He's in a lose-lose position anyway, because Pack fans will be sure to remind him over and over and over again that, in fact, he is not the Divine Quarterback of Green Bay and he never will be. Granted, the fourth-year QB didn't do himself any favors in a recent Sports Illustrated story by essentially telling his fans to get on board or take a hike, but he has since backtracked a bit.
One other thing to consider is this: it's just possible that Favre's season last year was a fluke? The previous two years, with Rodgers behind him, Favre was a below average QB, combining to throw 38 TD's compared to 47 interceptions while completing just 59% of his passes.
Favre had his time in the northern Wisconsin sun, and chose to end it. And for the sake of Aaron Rodgers' career, let's hope he does what he can to end the charade and get the hell out of Dodge before the townfolk consider riding him off on a rail.
Still, rather than rehashing everything that has been said, printed, argued, whispered, and blogged about this fiasco, The Commish will focus on what this means to us fantasy football owners the world over. So listen up...
1. What does this mean to the value of Packer fantasy players?
All of the rankings prior to Brett's potential return were based on his staying retired, so my advice is to evaluate all Packer players based upon their pre-season ranking and performance.
2. What exactly is Brett Favre's fantasy value?
Let's see just how quickly Brett and the Jet's receiving corps gel over the next few weeks of pre-season. The Commish's opinion is that Brett should be ranked around #15 unless his pre-season performance is absolutely outstanding. Keep in mind that, other than the Patriots, Favre will face Miami and Buffalo twice each enroute to the leagues 25th easiest schedule overall.
3. How does this impact the Jets receiver corps value?
As of today Laveranues Coles and Jericho Cotchery are ranked (according to Yahoo) as #26 and #30 respectively in this year's wide receiver draft. I don't think that Favre's arrival will move them up 10 positions with the likes of Hines Ward, Dwayne Bowe and Greg Jennings. I would, however, suggest that you can all feel comfortable (or uncomfortable, perhaps) moving one or the other up 4 or 5 slots with Lee Evan and Calvin Johnson. Meanwhile, TE Chris Baker and rookie TE Dustin Keller could be huge beneficiaries of Favre's arrival. Baker may be used more for blocking, while Keller is not even a decent run or pass blocking TE, but his hands and above-average quickness are attractive. Keller is currently ranked as the 36th rated TE but The Commish has no problem moving him up 10 to 20 Slots with the likes of Alge Crumpler and Vernon Davis. Keller has been compared to a young fellow roster mate and former Packer Bubba Franks.
4. How does the Farve trade impact the Jets running game?
The Commish believed that Thomas Jones was a 2008 sleeper and with Favre under center he should clearly be on many Clowntown Clan owners' radar. Defenses won't be able to pack the box to stop the run with Farve under center, so Jones should find room to run between a greatly upgraded offensive line. Leon Washington will also get his shots at rushing the ball.
5. How will the Jets overall season turn out?
Playing the 25th easiest schedule is just what the doctor ordered for the Jets, who were actually vastly improved without Farve. The Jets are in a weak division (other than the "perfect" Patriots) and face the Raiders and Chiefs who ranked at the bottom of their division. I predict that: the Jets won't make the playoffs. Still, The Commish seriously thinks they could approach the .500 mark.
Aug 7, 2008
What is a booby prize?
Wikipedia defines a booby prize as the following:
A booby prize is a joke prize usually given in recognition of a terrible performance or last-place finish. A person who scores last, for example, may get a booby prize such as a worthless coin. Booby prizes are sometimes humorously and jokingly coveted as an object of pride.
And in fact, goes on to educate us on its origin:
The word "boob" stems from the Spanish bobo meaning stupid, which in turn came from the Latin balbus meaning stammering; the word booby to mean dunce appeared in 1599.
Booby-prize literally means "idiot's prize".
I've heard from a fly on the wall in the Commissioner's office that the trophy pictured above will be this year's booby prize. And just so it's clear, the animation that you're seeing is because the trophy is a bobble-butt (rather than a bobble-head). So for our last place manager, he will get to enjoy looking at a bobbling horse's ass for the rest of the year. Gentlemen, this is not a comment on the company you keep but rather what awaits you should you end up in the basement.
The Commish is scouting out ideas for the first place trophy, so if you run across anything interesting, post your comments here.
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