Miss Manners Does Draft Party Etiquette

Draft day is quickly approaching, and perhaps you’ve already made plans to have your fellow managers over for a draft party. As with anything else, there’s a right way to do things, and there’s a better way. Fantasy football draft parties have a mood, an atmosphere that helps to set the tone for the rest of the season. Here are some “suggestions” from our fantasy football Miss Manners.

THE DRAFT ROOM or better known as THE WAR ROOM
There are some things that are mandatory. Every draft room requires the correct setting. Smoke filled rooms have become passé with the anti-tobacconists ruling the moment, so forget the tense, smoke-filled room scenario. But if you have smokers in your group, make sure they have easy access to the patio. Then lock the patio door behind them…

Back in the old days, drafts were done on paper and on a big board in someone’s living room. Nowadays, fantasy football wouldn’t be the national obsession it is without its use of the Internet. If you haven’t figured out how to set up a wireless network in your home, well then you’ve been sleeping under a rock. There are a number of affordable wireless routers that are very easy to set up within minutes. If you are unsure of messing with hardware, you’re best bet is to find a friend who is, or to take over your local Starbucks. We’ll be able to identify the guys who are drafting from their Starbucks, hyped up on vente lattes with triple espresso shots: these are the guys that will try to pick their whole team in the first round, over-clicking the mouse while whooping uncontrollably.

Drafting a fantasy football team may not be rocket science, but it does require preparation. Being properly supplied makes the grueling business of drafting a team more efficient, allowing the owners the opportunity to focus attention on the eternal questions of fantasy drafting, "Do I take a LaDainian Tomlinson or Adrian Peterson with my first pick?" And if you're green with the twelfth pick, posing the same foolish question to yourself prior to the draft starting.

During the Draft, music is optional but if music is desired, only suggested music for the occasion. It cannot take away from the most anticipated day of the year! Artists such as Stevie Ray Vaughnn, AC/DC and Johnnie Lang are acceptable. Even early Aerosmith but please, please pass on their latest jaded efforts. Avoid at all costs any music that might be labeled cute. Sorry but this means no Brittney Spears, no Jonas Brothers, no Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus. The music must inspire but not to the point of diverting our fearless drafters from their appointed rounds. As festive and intense as our Draft Day will be it might be better to pass on music until afterwards. Once the draft starts no one will be paying attention to the music anyway.

FOODS
Our warriors must be well-fed and fully supplied with sumptuous treats. Finger foods are appropriate but care must be taken to avoid the sticky, gooey kinds of foods that will stain one's cheat sheets and notes. Chicken wings regrettably fall into this category and should be eschewed. You wouldn’t want anyone whining afterwards that he didn’t get his pick because his finger slipped off the mouse because of your greasy food. (Slob!) Sandwiches and chips and dips are a must. Hard Pretzels and beer would suffice for the duration of the draft but a mighty appetite will surely result from the hours of cutthroat dealing and daring decision making. Some franchise owners might require sustenance during the draft and at this point a hearty bowl full of spicy chili is highly regarded. Easily spooned into the mouth, Chili is at once nourishing and delicious but deadly a few hours later. Time to unlock that patio door now! However, wolfing a bowl of chili permits the draftniks to focus more closely on the business at hand; sweating out the three picks ahead of you as you anticipate the fall of the "hope-to-be stud" into your eager hands.

BEVERAGES
Now sweating out the picks and perhaps sweating from the chili or dip, one's precious bodily fluids must be replaced. It is suggested that our weekend warriors be supplied with at least two beverages. Obviously Gatorade, soda, water or anything of the like is acceptable! The other must be beer. Imported, domestic, or home brewed, it's not relevant. It must be very cold, easily within reach, and plenty of it. However we would be remiss if we did not warn of the many problems that can be associated with alcohol. Getting home safe and sound is the first and foremost concern. If you do intend to consume quantities of beer, have a designated driver. A duty of both the host and the Commissioner should be to make sure no one gets behind the wheel in an inebriated state.


From the fantasy football perspective, the wise owner will delay alcohol consumption until the end of the draft or at the very least be moderate in your consumption. This, I’ve learned, may be a challenge for some of you. More than one owner's fantasy dreams were dashed by the effects of alcohol on the drafting process. The pounding headache and hangover the day after will only increase when one wonders, how the hell did I get that dog on my team? Shaun Alexander? Isn't he still a free agent? Yes, my friends, drafts have had this happen to them! Less scrupulous fantasy owners have used alcohol to dim the wits of their buddies while the draft goes on. (You wouldn't believe how EASY it is!) While we're on this topic, be wary of those who use a pretty woman to distract from the draft, usually one of the better looking spouses or girlfriends. An alluring and determined, well-placed and well endowed beauty can easily distract even the most ardent fantasy owner. While this practice is certainly discouraged, it has been employed more than once by those desperate to get the edge on their league. (Guys – don’t pimp your bride!)

THE BETTER HALF
Now the tough part; despite days of intense study and trade negotiations, and weeks of neglecting the better half, i.e. the girlfriends and the wives, surprisingly the option still lingers; to invite or not to invite? That is the question. Miss Manners offers no definitive rules on this topic so your author will go where many a brave man has dared not. Invite the girls! In fact, the more, the better. What better way to assert your masculinity than to earn the women-folk's approving nods and "oooohs" and "ahhhs" as we stare down our rival owners and snatch our prey right from under the noses of our adversaries

Sadly, realistically the ladies probably won't come or if they do, they will be quickly bored. Regardless, the point is to show them you care and want them involved. Remember, you need someone to maintain the War Room and a huge pardon to the women reading this but they can keep the warriors well fed! If it's an all-woman league, then put the men to work, though like the women, the effort is probably futile. If you really want to get the women involved, let them be your co-owner, even if it's in name only, get them involved. It is imperative to keep your lady friend happy and satisfied. Nothing can upset a blissful Sunday afternoon in the fall like an irate wife or girlfriend complaining that all you do is sit around and watch football on TV. Hey, it's true! But if you plan ahead and involve the lady in your franchise and encourage her to participate, you've got a lovely partner!

PARTY TIME
With the women folk around and you're already among friends, after the draft, why not a party? All the ingredients are there. The food, the beer, the music, the ladies! The tension has been released, the rosters are set! Let the "smack" talk begin! Now party like it's 1999 ... err Opening Day 2008!

Well that's it. Now the hard work is over. Now we can slip through until the start of the season with pleasant fantasy dreams about our soon to be championship season. A quick vacation to the beach or the mountains with the wife or girlfriend, maybe even with the family, will help the time pass and soothe any wounds left over from the neglect we inflicted prior to draft day. A trade here, a waiver tweak there, and our roster should be ready for the season opener. Remember, draft day is the first and arguably most important battle in the war called fantasy football.

(Adapted from the article “The Best Fantasy Draft Day Ever” by Bill Walker)