DRAFT DAY PREDICTIONS & TEAM INTRODUCTIONS

Howdy folks. Timmy the Greek here. It’s been a long off season. But the wait is over. Football is finally back! Let the smack talk begin!

We have some new players this year so I decided to mix in introductions with my draft predictions. For you new guys let me warn you up front. This will be anything BUT flattering. I am not known for blowing hot air up anyone’s skirt. Not known for being all that good at predictions either. But what the hell, I love bustin every ones chops.

Let me start out with the crew from the northeast…

First up, our illustrious commissioner and last years champ. The Nashville Nimrods: I don’t know how this guy does it but he manages to pull off the best trades. He can’t draft worth a damn but he always seems to find a way to get some of the best players in the most lopsided trades I have ever seen. Were you a used car salesman in you past life Lou?

Prediction: Draft day will be a bust for the Nimrods but like always he will sell his soul to trade for some major studs and leave some bum with a roster full of weanies.

On to the Chitown Shysters: Folks, watch out for this one. That team name says it all. She is a sly one. Real stealthy. Don’t turn your back on her. She is like a bobcat stalking her prey. Turn your back on her for a minute and she goes for the kill. No mercy. Sure feel sorry for the poor sap that married this one. I’ll bet he sleeps with his back to the wall every night. LOL!

Prediction: She will load up on stud receivers and running backs but will draft a noodle arm QB.

Next we have The Sidehill Gougers. Here is a quiet one. No matter what chain you pull, you can’t hardly get any smack talk out of this guy. Believe me, I tried. Gonna have to give it another shot this year. You ready Gougers? Want a piece of this? Got anything for me or you gonna be a lame duck?

Prediction: Gougers will go for receivers right out of the gate. He will put together a team that will do the talking for him.

The Bellmont Boozers. God I love that team name. What a classic! But that is all the good I can say about this clown. He must be hitting the sauce awfully hard whenever he drafts and sets his line up. Go find yourself a support group Boozers cause you aint getting no pity here.

Prediction: This will be a train wreck. But like any wreck you just can’t help it, you gotta look. I’ll bet this guy will be so tanked on draft day that he loads up on defense and forgets to draft a QB.

Now introducing Bobs Blues: Still singing the blues from last year Bob? Talk about bad luck. This guy had the best record all last season. Then he wins his first playoff game by 1 point only to have it taken away two days later due to stat corrections. The real kicker was that the guy that beat him (by default) didn’t deserve to be in the playoffs to begin with, then he goes on to slop his way to the championship game. What a kick in the pants that was. Who was that prick anyway?

Prediction: Bob’s Blues will do his homework and have a solid draft. Only problem is he will panic on bye weeks and trade away half his studs to fill his roster.

In this corner is Brown County Blues. Boy I really bit myself in the ass with this guy last year. I talked so much trash to him all year. Got pretty ugly at times. Then at the end of the season I find out this guy is a preacher. Man, I’m going to hell! No wonder the second half of my season went to crap. I’ll bet Pete called in a favor to The Man and put the wammie on my team.

Prediction: He will pull off a miracle draft. One thing I can accurately predict here. I’m gonna lay off this guy. Don’t need him putting the voodoo on me again. I don’t need any help at sucking. I’m pretty good at that on my own.

On to the Texas Connection…

Dallas Demons: This guy must have Demons in his computer because he had a hell of a bad team last year. Of course that was his rookie year and he let Yahoo do his draft picks for him. Bet you won’t do that again will ya Demons? Now that he got his cherry busted I’ll bet it will go uphill for him this year. Certainly can’t get worse.

Prediction: This guy will be prepared this year. He will go for a premier QB right out of the gate. I am willing to bet he winds up with a certain stud rookie RB from Dallas too. With that said, your still gonna get that ass spanked this year Robert.

Now for the cream of the crop… The Southern Maulers: Oh, I have just been dying to talk smack about you Gabe. Folks, this is the nut that traded away Randy Moss last year! What was that you got for him? Grossman? I believe this clown traded away LT last year too! This is the bonehead that will be the main source of studs to the Nimrods trading frenzy. Gabe, don’t do it man! Don’t do it!

Predictions: The Maulers will walk away from the draft with the best looking team of them all. But don’t worry. He’ll blow it.

Next comes my Homer’s Heros: Had to change my team name this year. Gotta face up to it. I’m a Homer. Proud of it too! Just a shame it doesn’t work for me. It’s such a lousy strategy but I just can’t help myself. Maybe one day I’ll get a clue, but don’t bank on it. Kinda like spraying perfume on a pile of crap. Doesn’t fool anyone.

Prediction: Cowboys all the way!

On to our rookies…

Introducing the Sunday Brew Crew: Now here is a real in the flesh sales man. Watch out Lou. You have competition. Wouldn’t worry too much though. Chris is a Buffalo fan. If that don’t say it all I don’t know what does.

Prediction: Big football fan. Mostly college so he should ferret out the stud rookies but the rest of his lineup wouldn’t make the CFL.

Here we have the Nonads: What the hell is a Nonad Steve? You trying to tell us your team is going to have cahoonas? I don’t think anyone on your team will even have a use for a jock strap. I’m willing to bet you load up with a bunch of thumb sucking wannabies. Welcome to the league bud. You’re my best friend Steve, but no mercy brother. Like the doctor said when I was born… “This one is gonna get ugly”.

Prediction: TO will be his first pick and it goes downhill from there. Steve will pick up every crook, dopehead and ex con the NFL has to offer.

Appropriatly in the final spot…Last but not Least’s: Folks, here is our resident procrastinator. This guy probably wont even show up for the draft until it is half way over. Pete is a Giants fan. I guarantee you his first pick will be that titty baby Eli Manning. Pete sleeps with a picture of Eli under his pillow. His other hero is that punk Shockey. Pete loves him so much he tatood Shockey’s ugly puss right next to his I love my Mommy tatoo. Hey stupid, Shockey is a Saint now. Kinda ironic aint it?

Prediction: No telling since Yahoo will be drafting in his absence. One thing is for sure..... The Giants SUCK!

Now that I got that out of my system I feel much better.