Week 13 Wrap Up

The following advertisement appeared in this past week’s Cleveland Plain Dealer:

Wanted: Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns

Summary: Due to the unfortunate situations of losing both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson to season-ending injuries the past two weeks -- and the fact that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, won’t allow Cleveland to simply forfeit the rest of its games to get this dreadful season over with -- the Cleveland Browns are currently seeking an adequate, inexpensive quarterback to ensure four more losses in 2008.

Job Responsibilities: Turning around and handing the ball to Jamal Lewis; throwing incomplete passes to Braylon Edwards (you just have to throw the ball in his general direction and Edwards will take care of the rest); watching the defense squander huge leads; and squandering leads yourself by providing costly, hard-to-believe turnovers.

Job Perks: A front row seat to whenever Kellen Winslow Jr. speaks out against divulging the truth about injuries; the ability to improvise without worrying about what Romeo Crennel will say to you because neither you nor him will be around next year anyway; and weekly profanity-laced e-mails sent from the desk of Phil Savage.

Please respond ASAP, so that you can have at least one day of practice under your belt (that should be enough) before Sunday’s game against Tennessee (talk about not having a snowball’s chance in Hades).

Meanwhile, as Cleveland tries desperately to find a backup for its backup, the casino Tropicana Atlantic City has announced that will be hosting the 1st annual Running of The Santas on December 13. This is part of a nationwide bar tour in which participants don Santa hats, white beards, and baggy red suits, drink to their heart’s content, and do their own version of Pamplona's running of the bulls. Only at the head of this race will be a herd of stampeding Hooters girls. See, this is why I’m not worried about our economy. Sure, the Dow Jones average dropped another 600 points yesterday. Sure, the auto industry, airline industry and Wall Street are all in the crapper. And, sure, Plaxico has proven once again the amount of brains it takes to earn millions of dollars playing football. But, when push comes to shove nothing can stop good old fashioned American ingenuity from saving the day. Listen…if people aren’t going to the bars and pissing their money away like they used to, you can do one of two things. You can cry about it or you can do something about it. The Tropicana chose to do something, because nothing puts guys in the seats like letting degenerate gamblers put on their stupid Santa hats and chase big-breasted girls around the slot machines and blackjack tables. In fact, I’m seriously debating heading down to Atlantic City for this history-making event (only problem is, Anita’s blocking the doorway). My only question is what happens when somebody actually catches one of the girls? I assume they don’t get to kill her like they do with the bulls in Pamplona, right? Does someone throw tomatoes or water balloons? Does it all turn into a wet T-shirt contest? Either way, I would pay good money for Suffolk Downs to put on this event in their infield. I can’t even imagine the sheer chaos this would create.

Okay, ‘nuf speculating on perverse subject matter….onward and upward to the weekly wrap up:

Homer’s Heroes (at least I can spell it) vs. Last But Not Least’s
Eli finally got the opportunity to proudly exhibit his manhood…umm, Braylon Edwards dropped only four passes….umm, oh the hell with all of that, let’s just say that the Heroes and LBNL proved once again that timely incompetence doesn’t mean you can’t make it into the playoffs. Congrats to both of you for getting one more opportunity to prove you’re worthiness or worthlessness, whichever floats to the top. But, let’s face it…I hope you don’t plan on playing the likes of Willis “I Fell and I Can’t Get Up” McGahee, Mewelde “Can’t Start No” Moore, Ted “Come On, Throw It to Me A” Ginn, or “Failin’” Braylon Edwards into the upcoming playoffs! Geez, take the time to do something new and exciting for a change (like going to Atlantic City dressed up like Rudolph the Red Nosed drunk). And by the way, Heroes, I understand that the poor Cowboy wimps continue to have pinkie woes, while the more manly teams out there are shooting themselves in the leg to show their toughness (says something about Texans, doesn’t it?) Speaking of wimps, I understand that Homer was forced to post this sign recently at his place of work, in an effort to avoid further embarrassing mishaps (much like those damaged pinky woes that have suddenly befallen his beloved Cowboys). Sorrowfully, we now understand that LBNL failed to comprehend the warning, and that he is laid up at home with a severe foot injury caused when the sign inexplicably fell on his big toe. This is the result of piss-poor sign-hanging and wish-I-could-read stupidity. So I ask you, how did either of these knot heads make it into the playoffs? By-the-way: it looks like Timmy is going to rely on a 3rd string running back in his big match-up with the Shysters this week. Somehow I get the feeling that if they ever remade "Die Hard" with an all-black cast, wouldn't the lead character have to be named Le'Ron McLain?


Southern Molesters vs. Nonads
What can I say about this sorry-ass matchup. The Nonads took the Molesters by surprise this past week (much like the Molesters have been doing to innocent children all year long), stole all his handy candy, and left him lying naked and shivering in the gutter. This once wily manager, who often filled our heads with hopes of playoff positioning and his bus with enticing bedtime stories, fell miserably from grace. Now, just like the Buffalo Bills and Chicago Cubs always say….wait until next year. We’re all going to miss you, Nonads and Molesters, in our own individual ways. By-the-way, a word of warning: since the Molesters are out of the playoffs, he’s stepped up his devisive attempts at luring the unsuspecting to his candy bus. Law enforcement has advised us that he’s now incognito, traveling around the fantasy football circuit claiming that he’s the official representative of the Clowntown Clan. So, if you happen to see this guy skulking around, laughing with your children or attempting to pass himself off as one of Santa’s little elves, avoid him at all costs. Meanwhile, we say better luck next time to both of these managers.


Dallas Demons vs. Belmont Boozers
Well, I guess we can all agree that the Dallas Demons saved their absolute worst game for last, but what can you expect from a guy that hangs out with the damned. Still, come on….38.5 points total (with DeMarcus Ware, a Dallas DL, getting at least twice as many points as any other Demon player in the process). So, we admit now that LBNL has been right all along….Demons Suck! Perhaps, the lowly Demons can begin the recovery process by finding that pathway so aptly described by Led Zeppelin years ago. Still, while DD was in the process of earning this embarrassing loss, the Boozers looked absolutely unbeatable somehow, almost outscoring the entire Demons team with one player – Brian Westbrook. But let me just ask…has there ever been an NFL player listed as “questionable” more often than Brian Westbrook? Does this extend to other portions of his life? Can anyone really rely on him to come through in a pinch? Do his buddies make plans to catch a movie or to go out and share a few brewskies with him knowing that he’s questionable to actually show up? Does he send back wedding invitations checking both the “Yes, I Will Attend” and “No, I Will Not Attend?” boxes? What would it be like if he hosted a radio talk show? “All right, that’s it for today’s show, tune in again and I’ll see you tomorrow….or I might not.” Why aren’t we calling him Brian “Mr. Questionable” Westbrook? Meanwhile, we understand that the Boozers have sold his expensive diamond bling and traded up for a new limo. Check it out! And here’s the definition of irony: Did you know that Adam, manager of the Boozers, is an Edward Jones investment guy? And, did you know that Edward Jones Investments decided it would be a good idea to purchase the naming rights for St. Louis' football stadium, only now it's the most depressing crowd in the NFL other than in Detroit, and every week announcers say things like, "Man, you can hear a pin drop here at the Edward Jones Dome." Now that's a decision that makes me want to invest with Eddy! Wait, Adam, your company is the genius behind the Edward Jones Dome? Here's my money!


Happy Hopheads vs. Sunday Brew Crew
Geez, it’s utterly apparent this week that the Hopheads somehow stumbled his way into the playoffs with no ambition of coming in on a winning note. Inside sources tell us that he has a new life-style (no, not similar to that of the Molesters). Instead, Hoppy is trying to live up to his name by balancing his lifelong pastime of cross-country running with guzzling as many sudsy brews as he can muster. Apparently, he’s even trying to conduct both hobbies at the same time. And now he wants to add televised football to the list by watching, running, and guzzling all at the same time. Maybe we should all chip in and get him that treadmill with the built in cup-holder and five-inch LCD that he’s been wanting for Christmas. Meanwhile, the Brew Crew has also somehow found his way into the playoffs, with the likes of Roddy “White Boy” White (who names their kid “Roddy” anyway), Maurice “Can’t Decide on a Name” Jones-Drew (who names their kid “Maurice” anyway), and Chris Cooley. Speaking of Cooley, did you know that the four-time Pro Bowler has started his own blog to help his brother, Tanner (who names their kid “Tanner” anyway), pay for med school. Cooley estimates it will generate about $250,000 per year in advertising and merchandise sales, more than enough to pay for his sibling's education. Interestingly, Cooley recently revealed that he celebrated his wife Christy's 21st birthday by downing 21 shots of Jim Beam at a bar in West Virginia with her family, taking the sports blog world by storm. The result: a spread in the Washington Post, interviews on numerous sports shows, and the inspiration of football-rabid, beer-chugging athletes like Bobbo the world over. You can catch the blog at: http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/.


Sidehill Gougers vs. Brown County Blues
So what? Big “bleaping” deal! The Blues somehow knocked off the Gougers, but couldn’t find a way to pound that last nail into the proverbial coffin. So, the Sidehill mob somehow found a way to teeter into the playoffs, beating the Molesters in points by the slimmest of margins. Good news, we guess, for the Gougers. Some guys get all the breaks, don’t they? I can't remember: was it the 1931 or the 1932 Chicago Bears who had their season fall apart after Red Grange and Bronko Nagurski were caught with StarCaps in their urine samples? But no, the Gougers get to continue counting on their Minnesota defense, in spite of the fact that the Williams brothers get suspended and then unsuspended, saving his ass for yet one more week. And this week, it looks like Clark’s really gone out on a confidence limb, what with a former Arkansas Razorback named Peyton Hillis in his lineup. Just this week, a blitzed Razorbacks fan offered everyone $100 at 50-to-1 odds that Hillis would finish with more 2008 fantasy points than both Darren McFadden and Felix Jones? And why do I have a feeling Jerry Jones made his billions in a similar way? Anyway, in the end, the Gougers and Blues ended up best buds – just like Favre and Rodgers used to be.


Nashville Nimrods vs. ChiTown Shysters
So the Nimrods beat the Shysters and made it into the playoffs. What else would you expect from the two-time champ of the league. But I would rather talk about a related issue. Like everyone else, I'm still disappointed that a receiver didn't honor Plaxico Burress last weekend by catching a touchdown, then pretending to shoot himself in the leg with the football and limp around helplessly. This never would have not happened if Chad Johnson were still alive…errr, I mean still playing…ummm, being his same old crazy self. You didn’t really think you could get through this blog without a Plaxico story, right? Don’t be stupid! This one is a nice change of pace though, because it's not about conspiracy or tow trucks or angry mayors. It's about a website that allows patients to anonymously rate their doctors and provide nice, little comments about their services—and it just so happens that I discovered one dedicated to super-secret Giants doctor Josyann Abisaab, M.D., who is rumored to have treated Plax in his hour of need. I think you know where this is going. Here are some of the reviews that have been left in her blog during the past week:

Dr. Abisaab was quick to respond when I showed up to the hospital with a hole in my leg caused by an accidental shooting at Applebee's this past weekend. She was going to report the incident until I showed her the gun that caused the hole in my leg. That changed her mind. Good thing, could you imagine the trouble I would be in if someone found out about my unregistered handgun. Oh, wait, nevermind.

Doc is top notch. I didn't have to wait too long, was brought in the back door, bandaged and on my way before I could change my sweatpants. I truly appreciated the help.

Anytime I shoot myself at 2 in the morning....Dr. Abisaab is going to be my first call.

Hey Shysters, do you think there’s any way that the Chiefs can hypnotize Larry Johnson into thinking every short-yardage situation is really a crowded bar filled with the boyfriends of women who just resisted his advances? Finally, while all of you were duking it out for some of those final playoff spots, Anita and I simply decided to sit back, drink our fine wine, and let the cow patties fall where they might. In the end, all I can say is that I’ve provided a recent picture of the two of us for those of you that have been asking. But let me warn you….we’ve gained a couple of pounds during this football season.