Origin of the Sidehill Gouger

Sidehill Gougers are fictional creatures, jokingly said to inhabit the Rocky Mountains of British Columbia and the southwestern sandhills of Saskatchewan. The legs on one side of their body are significantly shorter than the legs on the other side of their body, because they spend all their time eating grasses and other vegetation on mountain slopes. The notion of imaginary animals with one pair of legs longer than the other in order to exist on mountainsides is popular: others include the Wild Haggis, the Sidehill Dodge Hodag, the Dahu. A similar creature in Vermont is known as the Wampahoofus. Similar animals are part of Appalachian folklore, sometimes in the form of a breed of cow with mismatched legs.

Sidehill Gougers are said to come in two main varieties, the left-handed Sidehill Gouger and the right-handed Sidehill Gouger (see: chirality). The two varieties are sometimes known as clockwise and counterclockwise Gougers. Note that these two varieties are not necessarily separate species; stories persist of rare offspring between left-handed and right-handed Gougers. Since these hybrids have awkwardly mismatched leg-lengths and usually do not survive to adulthood, however, it is not known if they are sterile mules.

Some sources indicate that they are no larger than mountain goats, whereas others attribute major landslides to Sidehill Gougers that become turned around from their usual orientation and dig their feet into the ground for stability. It is this belief that gives the species its name.

In North-Eastern Ontario, there is a distant cousin of the Sidehill Gouger called the Sidehill Gulcher. The Gulcher evolved in a much different fashion compared to its Western relative. They run on two legs, with one much longer than the other and are similar to humans in many respects except their average size. Gulchers range in height from six feet to seven feet tall and weigh nearly three hundred pounds.

Gulchers are carnivores, usually feeding on anything from Red Squirrels to unlucky Deer. They employ an ambush technique where the Gulcher waits for hours on end in a heavily overgrown area for potential prey. When the prey happens by, Gulchers will leave their hiding place to stalk the animal. Once within range the Gulcher will put on a burst of speed and attack. The key to escaping a Gulcher is to simply run up or down the hill the Gulcher inhabits. Since it only has two legs and not four, the Gulcher will be unable to follow you at any great speed.

Man and Wife

A man comes home from the bar drunk at 4 in the morning. His wife is sleeping, and he tries to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and lets rip a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I'm up 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

Week 4 Predictions

Howdy folks.! Timmy the Greek here with your week 4 predictions. I just know all of you were wating for these insightful predictions before you made your final roster changes.

What the heck is going on here? Am I getting my predictions in before the Football Widow concludes her wrap up? Too busy Widow? Oh, that’s right now I realize what’s up. She has been thrown for a loop with that astounding trade her opponent just made. All your time has been spent trying to scramble together a team that is worthy ‘eh Shysters?

Boy oh boy what a week this was. I had to go in front of Judge Judy. To tell you the truth I thought she was going to throw the book at me. But it turns out that we managed to make a bit of a deal. One closed door session in the Judges quarters and we worked out a compromise. I always wondered what happened behind those doors and now I know. Wanna guess anyone? Let me put it this way…she is probably twice as old as most gals still standing but the old bird don’t need no tools to get the job done, if you know what I mean. And good Lord does that old bird have a set of lungs on her! Yeah, yeah, she is an ugly old biddy but she aint half a scary as that Ms Clowie once you get past the shock of going downtown on a gal wearing depends!

Yeah I know, kinda sleazy but what the hell. It kept me outa the pokey! It could have gotten twice as ugly in there! The only problem is that my performance wasn’t good enough to get her to drop the sensitivity counseling. Aint that a bitch? Couldn’t slam a gal that is damn near a century old well enough to get her to lean in my favor. Well I guess I can’t be too hard on myself. It is kinda difficult to completely satisfy a gal that has been rode for more miles that an Amtrac.

Good news is I am still in business and no sensors. Not yet anyway. Old Judgy poo says I better bring some new tricks next week to impress her or she may consider censorship. Anybody got some pointers? How about you Maulers? I just know you gotta have some experience in this field! Do you think she might find it kinky if I turned off her oxygen in mid stride? How about if I had her straddle her walker while I take the dog for a walk? Come on Gabe help me here dude! I gotta get out of the sensitivity training crap. It’s killing me man!

On to the predictions

Lets start off with….

Shysters Vrs Last but not Leasts:
Shysters are you kidding me? A San Fran QB? Oh you are in trouble girl. Because lookie here, your opponent finally got himself a real QB. Good news is that is the last we should see of Eli in our league! Pete is too stupid to drop that bum but just barely has enough upstairs to know who to put on his starting roster.
Of course that is where the advantage ends. The rest or your rosters are even. They are both lousy! Folks, here is a prime example of how bye weeks make you do stupid shit! You wont see more clowns at Ringling Brothers. Who the hell is Chansi Stuckey? What a queer name that is. Chansi! HA! And Bo Skaifi. That sound like a form of VD! You are both in trouble. I’ll bet this is the lowest combined score of the week.
If your going for pity points you got it cause this is just that. Downright pitiful.
Prediction: LBNL by 2

Boozers Vrs Blues:
Oh man, here is a good matchup. Gee wiz Blues, is there anyone on your team that aint banged up? Oh, I see Campbell isn’t but trust me he will be in that matchup with my Boys. This QB is going to take a beating. If I were you I would put Palmer in. Do you remember that shoot out that Cleveland and Cinci had last year? I think you have a good shot at that again. It’s a better call than Campbell cause he will get sacked at least 3 times and turn it over at least twice. You did make some nice moves this week. I hope they pan out for you. The good news is the Boozers have some key players banged up and he has a QB that is a bubble short of being level.
I think you guys are pretty even in WR’s. Boozers has a slight edge in RB’s. If blues puts in Palmer he has the definite edge in QB’s. Boozers has an edge in TE position but that doesn’t mean much because TE’s never rack up points unless you have a Cowboy TE. You both picked an overall defense with favorable matchups so this is a split. Blues has a decent edge on the individual defensive players. I think this is your week Blues. North, south, east west Blues cause it aint a sure thing. Say your prayers brother.
Prediction: Blues by 3
By the way Boozer. Have I ever told you that your team name is killer?

Demons Vrs Brew Crew:
Let’s see here. This one is just too close to call. I’m going with a new method for predicting this one. The bad ass evil looking avatar is going to put one hell of a pinch on the queer Trojan.
Quit winking at me Brew Crew. You make me nervous!
Prediction: Demons by 5

Nimrods Vrs Hopheads:
How the hell are the Hopheads 3-0? If he goes 4-0 that will be a real crime! This is the same kind of crap he got away with last year. This is how you piss off the fantasy football gods Bobo. I mean common! Muhammed, Meachem & Coles? How do you get points off those sluffs? Arron Rogers? Do you really think he has what it takes? Isn’t Gates a computer geek? How can Lynch & Mendenhal get yards with those pitiful O lines? I just don’t get it? But of course that wouldn’t be a first for me.
Now, the Nimrods have a respectable team. Other than that QB of course. TO is due a big week. I think Josh Reed will score a TD but Lloyd is just patch work. His backfield is strong, the TE is good and the D is killer!
Lou your due.
Prediction: Nimrods by 7

Gougers Vrs Nonads:
Boring! Watching this matchup is going to be like watching grass grow. Actually the matchup will be great but I would rather have Dennis Miller sports casting again than watch these no smack talking bums. Common guys! Spice it up! I know you got it in ya. Especially you Nonads. Since when did you become the congenial one? Your embarrassing me dude! Let loose and show your true colors. You wont offend anyone in this group.
Nonads have the advantage in QB’s. Don’t that just kill you though Steve? Your using the enemy for a QB? Life can be so unfair can’t it? You guys both have great WR’s but Gougers has a leg up with the RB’s. TE’s are a draw and so are the D’s. This one will be very close but I think the Nonads are due.
Prediction: Nonads by 2

Maulers Vrs the Heros:
Whoo Hoo! I got Barber back! Had to sell my soul and first born but the Barbarian is back on my roster this year. Your dead meat Maulers! Look at that backfield dude! McFadden & Barber. It don’t get any better than that. You might as well just bench your entire roster so you have an excuse. Gore & Bush? Gorey Bush. Kinda sounds like your typical date don’t it Gabe?
All you got going for you is Brandon Marshal and the Dallas defense. It’s like your dates always tell you Gabe “you came up short again”!
I have the rookie WR’s but they will outscore your wannabees (except for Marshal of course). My TE will spank yours and our D’s are even. One of us are going to 2 -2 and guess what? It aint you! Your toast dude. Go lick yourself!
Prediction: Heros by 5


By the way, did any of you folks watch any of the Presidential debates tonight? Didn’t it kinda remind you of that old “Whos on first” routine by Abbot & Costello?

Week 3 Wrap Up

Well, lookie here! I go away to ChiTown for a few days and come back to some virtual bar-room brawl via smacktalk. Man, oh man, it’s only gonna get uglier from here on out!

The zingers are flying fast and furious, so fast that I can’t even get my reviews done in time! But at the very least, I have to start with the Week 3 predictions by Timmy the Greek. Geez, Tim, you’ve left so much material for me to work with, it’s almost too good to be true! I see that you’ve stepped it up a notch or two. I was impressed that you could type so much while holding a beer! We can see that the sensitivity training didn’t take (small wonder). Better luck next time, Timmy!

So the gloves are off, you say? Rust belt??! I think you’re spending a little too much time looking at everyone’s belt buckles, pardner. And if I remember correctly, you’re originally from the big, bad North. I wouldn’t draw that line too deep in the sand, gringo. I could whip out the whole Toledo Cowboy routine, but I’ll save that for later!

Let’s take a look at the matchups:

Nashville Nimrods vs. Southern Maulers
It was close up until Sunday night, but then the Maulers got a small lead and never looked back. The Maulers got an unexpected 13 points from Frank Gore (I’m still NOT a believer) and another 13 from Brandon Marshall (criminal). Winfield was a total goon and got another 13 points. Hmmm, does anyone see a pattern here? And will Peyton Manning ever recover? Man, he looked kinda pukey. The Nimrods got great performances from Tennessee DEF and 2 defensive players, but Cassel came up with the short straw. The rest of the Nimrod roster only got single digits each. It looks like it’s time for an overhaul, Commish. It’s time to drop T.O. and replace him with someone with less ego (which would be just about anyone else). And while you’re at it, drop that Tennessee DEF as well! Not much smacktalk between the Maulers and the Nimrods compared to all of the noise from Frick and Frack (Demons and Homer), oh, and I can’t forget the peanut gallery (everyone else!). But wait! Ronnie Brown had the game of his career, scoring 38 freakin’ points – on the bench. Ouch. I can’t say too much more about the Commish or he might make me sleep in the garage, so I’ll just leave it at that!

Happy Hopheads vs. Nonads
Can you say “Lucky Stinkin’ Duck”? How is it that the Hopheads are 3-0? Even with help from Nate Kaeding (K), the Nonads could not put a stop to Bobbo and his hopheads. So how does he do it? It looks like the Hopheads got at decent performance from at least one player in each position. Sammy Morris and Muhsin Muhammed were of little value, but the team as a whole did well. Once again, Frick and Frack had more to say in the smacktalk than anyone else, but it made for good entertainment. Somebody pass me the popcorn!

Sidehill Gougers vs. Sunday Brew Crew
You always have to watch out for the quiet ones – you never really know what’s going in inside their heads. No smack from the Gougers, but he made the Winking Brew Crew work for a victory. Let me guess - our brew crew manager is a Buffalo fan. Uh, gee, I’m not sure what to say about that. But you’ve got to see that ALL of your Buffalo players combined still scored LESS than your 1 running back, Michael Turner. That’s a whole defensive team plus 3 individual defensive players! Geez! And Clark, Clark, Clark. I think you may have had too much faith in Kitna and Roy Williams. It’s just my opinion, but I think that horse has been beaten well beyond death. Once again, Frick, Frack and Company strike again. It’s kind of like barhopping, but instead of hopping from bar to bar, their hopping from smacktalk zone to zone!

Dallas Demons vs. Brown County Blues
Apparently the idea of going to Hell in a Hand-Basket never occurred to Frick, Frack, Company and more. The Blues may be down and out for the moment, but he hasn’t called upon The Big Guy to smote any of you houligans. YET. And Demons, you better be careful that you don’t put your feet into that big, gaping maw of yours – that New England DEF looked AWFUL. I mean, come on! It’s Miami, for cryin’ out loud! You got by fairly well this week, but one of these days (and maybe soon) somebody will squash Rivers like the dung beetle that he is, and you’ll be nothing but a funny-looking, nose-pickin’ gargoyle rather than that bottle-opener demon (and what the hell is that anyway??!). I know, I know. I can hear it already. You’re chanting FE-LIX JONES! FE-LIX JONES! Fine. I got it. But remember that your man-crush won’t always win you games, Demons.

Belmont Boozers vs. LBNLs
LBNLs – can you get a real name, please?! It takes too long to type, so we’re forced to abbreviate it into alphabet soup. I found a random team name generator online and came up with some suggestions for you: the Green Ponies; the Embarrassed Hyenas; the Concrete Wombats; the Energetic Planets. On second thought, stick with your alphabet soup. The Random Team Name Generator apparently is on crack. Since everyone is giving you grief about your avatar, I propose a contest. Have everyone come up with a better avatar for LBNLs, and you get to pick the winner. You have to admit, it’s not easy coming up with a mascot for a team named Last But Not Least’s. What would it be? A late tax return? A caboose? I’m lost on this one. Meanwhile, the Boozers are feeling awfully good about their 1-point victory. Don’t get too comfortable, Boozer, because at closing time we all have to walk/crawl/stumble out the door. You won’t get too far with mediocrity!

Homer’s Heroes vs. ChiTown Shysters
To answer your question, Tim, we were 2-2 up until this matchup. Each year that you were in the league, we split the season, 1-1 in 2006 and 1-1 in 2007. Sorry, Bubba, but you’ll just have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it this year because we won’t meet again in regular season play. IF you make it to the playoffs, you might stand a chance. But I doubt it. You’ll be too busy kissing the feet (or arse) of Marion the Barbarian, you won’t see my hitmen coming. Oh, and the skank that you’ve been banging in order to strengthen your voodoo isn’t really Miss Clowie. Miss CLEO is who you're thinking of, and she’s not interested in men, if you get my meaning. Miss CLOWIE is her horse! Nice try, Toledo Tex, but I think your voodoo is fading fast.

Good luck in Week 4, everyone!

A Cowboy Fan

A Cowboy fan dies and goes to Hell. It's terribly hot, of course, and everyone there is sweating and suffering. Except the Cowboy fan. He's just laying back and smiling. "What's the matter?" says the Devil. "Isn't it hot enough for you?" "Just like a spring day in Amarillo. No problem!" replied the Cowboy fan.

The next day the Devil turned the heat way up. Everyone was really suffering now. Except the Cowboy fan. Still smiling. "You mean it's still not too hot for you?" asked the Devil. "Just like a summer day in Laredo. No problem." said the Cowboy fan.

The next day the Devil decided to really fix him. So he turned the temperature way down. It got very cold, started sleeting and snowing, and icycles started forming. Everyone was freezing to death. Except the Cowboy fan. "I don't get it." said the Devil. "Doesn't the cold bother you either?" "The way I figure it," said the Cowboy fan, picking his teeth and deep in thought "the Buffalo Bills must have won the Superbowl!"

Week 3 Predictions

Week 3 Predictions

Well, believe it or not I got booted out of the sensitivity counseling. Yeah I know, hard to believe but it really happened. What the hell is this world coming to any way? That dumb ass counselor told me that I had to work on being politically correct. So I asked her “what does one have to do with the other?” That is the most contradictory term I ever heard. I mean come on! When was the last time any politician got anything correct? She counters that I had that all wrong so I said “fine, you wanna talk politics lets talk politics.” That is were things went south. She started to ask my views. “How do you feel about gays?” She asks. “Gays? Oh you mean faggots! And she’s the one that says I don’t know the correct terms, what a dumb ass! So I say “Stick ‘em back in the closet until they suffocate and die then let God sort ‘em out.” “And what about immigration?” She asks. “If I go to one more ATM and English is my second choice, I’m gonna make a deposit alright?” And what about Muslims? “You mean those friggin terrorists? AGAIN, she says I don’t know the politically correct terms. Just what news does she watch anyway? MSLSD? So I tell her … Anyone that thinks they are going to heaven and will receive 15 virgins for blowing up 100 women and children obviously can’t do math! There aint 15 virgins left in the world. Either the “Muslims” blew ‘em up or the Catholic priests blew that virginity thing for them. Muslim terrorist bastards? Blow ‘em to hell and let Satan sort ‘em out! Then she goes on to ask me if I am going green. I got all defensive. Hey! I was just a teenager, everybody smoked that stuff at that age! A politician would have told some lame ass story about not inhaling. Yeah Right! And Monica didn’t swallow! Oh, that’s right she didn’t. That’s how she got that million dollar dress. Nasty bitch! Then the commie called my probation officer to say I was in violation! My court hearing is next week.

Judge Judy, here I come!

Lou, I might need you to set my line up next week and be my lifeline to fantasy football because I think I’ll be watching the games in the pokey.

While I still have my freedom I’m taking off the gloves! No more sweet talking, coo coo butt Mr. nice guy. You want my predictions? You got it!

Lou & Anita, you know you guys blew it. You ragged on the Texas Connection! When you pull them pearly handles, you better be ready for a gut shot. I am throwing my best voodoo at the rust belt! Yeah, you got it right. Voodoo is the name of the game this week floks. But you got one thing wrong. I don’t use no goat crap. This is Cowboy country pardner. I use 100% grade A bullcrap. In this part of the country there aint no shortage of it and I’m gonna sling it! Yippi Kiyay!

By the way, I don’t know if anyone else noticed but this week has an interesting pattern to it. Every matchup pits a team from the Rust Belt against a team from the Texas Connection. Surprised I caught onto that one aren’t yall (that means you all for you mentally challenged Yankees)

Maulers Vrs Nimrods:
What the hell is that avatar Lou? It looks like a Pez dispenser that doubles as a butt picker.
Let’s see now, Cassel up against Manning. Disappointing QB’s, the both of ‘em. You guys need help there. Sure hope neither of you guys wasted a draft or waiver on those bums.
Nonads has T.O., Burress and McMullen. McMullen? Who the hell is that? Boy, you sure can pick ‘em Lou! First a no name TE now mullet head WR. Getting desperate dude? I smell fear and panic. Better watch out. If Maullers smell that fear he will be all over you like a dog in heat. Trust me, I know this guy. He is a hound. When he comes to my house the fish quit swimming. Any way … T.O will light it up and Burress will be good for about 1/2 of T.O.’s points but that third guy is a joke. Seattle has a horrible passing game.
Maullers has Bowe, Jackson and Marshal. I almost rank Brandon Marshal with T.O. Especially with Cutler being on fire like he is. Enjoy it while you can Maullers because that moron is gonna get suspended again. He better catch some TD’s because he aint catching no women with his track record. Bowe and Jackson are OK so I guess this WR match up is a coin toss.
Your RB’s are even also but Nimrod’s have the edge with his T.E.. Maullers, you need to dump that punk Shockey. He will just bleed points all year.
I can’t believe the Defensive choices you guys made! Their matchups are not favorable at all. I guess this is even as well. Your both scoring low here.
All in all you guys are evenly matched. I think this will be the closest score this week but the Maullers have the edge. And do you know why? Because I’m predicting …..
Prediction: Nimrods by 2


Last in Line for Brains alias Last but not Leasts Vrs Da Boozers:
Give me a break guys! Boozers, if you had a QB you would be dangerous. LBNL, if you had a brain you would still be an idiot! Eli, are you serious? Got milk? Oh yeah, LBNL might not catch onto that one. I better spell it out for you Pete… Eli is a tity baby!
Lets see now…LBNL has Stallworth who injures himself in warm ups. Why don’t they ever tell the truth? He sprained his right wrist because he didn’t switch hands while playing with himself! Ward is a decent receiver but his QB blew out his arm finishing the hand job for Stallworth. Barber is a stud but Jacobs is just a big dumb gorilla. He is so dumb thought a tail back was an invitation and took a butt slap to the next level. Eli throws like a girl and Clark is scared of girls. Vinatieri kicks like a fag and Ernie Sims is one!
Now Boozers don’t go creaming your jeans. Yeah, you got a bunch of studs, except for that noodle arm QB. He is terrible dude! What were you thinking? Hasselbeck couldn’t pass the clap after a round with 50 hookers let alone pass a ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your loaded with studs but you know what? Your screwed dude because I’m picking you!
Prediction: Boozers by 10
By the way Boozers, I just love that team name. Don’t know if I ever mentioned that before.

Brew Crew Vrs Gougers:
Are either of you guys gonna talk some smack or are you just gonna sit there looking gay all day? Change those avitars fellas! It scares me. It looks like they are fixing to swap spit. Get a room!
QB’s: Kitna up against Breese. OK to average. This will be close.
WR’s : Bolden, Williams and Driver VRS White, Chambers and Johnson. This is interesting. No real studs but no slouches in this group either.
RB’s Jones & McGahee VRS Turner & LT. Gougers have big edge here. Make an adjustment Brew Crew!
TE: Brew Crew has the advantage here because Winslow is the only Brown that can catch the damn ball.
Brew Crew also has the advantage on defense as well.
Pull down your trousers Gougers, this one is going in through the out door for you.
Got a clue as to why? You got it, I’m picking you! Not that Brew Crew needs my voodoo on this match up but I’m taking no chances.
Prediction: Gougers by 1


Demons Vrs Brown County Blues:
Rivers, Wayne, Evans, Toomer, Felix Jones, White, Witten and the New England Defense against Miami! Wow! Need I say more? But of course I will. Campbell, what a joke! Jock itch ‘er I mean Crotchery, Patten & Gonzaleze. The Three Stooges! What a hoot! Then you have Tomas Jones and banged up Grant who won’t be able to get more than 50 yards against my Cowboys. And Crumpler for a TE? Might as well be named crumbler because your just picking up everyone else’s crumbs here.
Seattle is a good Defense choice since they are up against St. Louis. But that is all you have going for you Blues.
And it get’s even worse for you Blues. Things are going to hell for you Blues because I pick you.
Prediction: Blueballs by 1

Nonads Vrs Hopheads:
Sorry to bust your bubble Bob but Arron Rogers is a flash in the pants. My Boys will expose him for what he really is… A SCAB!
McNabb will out score your QB by 18 or more.
Harrison, Coles and that towel head Muhammad are respectable but Nonads have Steve Smith who is hungry. Smith will out score all three of your WR’s by himself.
Hopheads have the advantage with RB’s. I think Lynch and Morris will both have big days. While Jackson & Johnson wont score 7 combined.
TE’s are a draw because both are weenies!
Both Defenses are so, so. Call that a draw too.
Now here is the secret that will make the difference… Voodoo time! Rust belt racks up another big L because…
Prediction: Hopheads by 3


Homers Heros Vrs The Shysters:
I’m bustin out my best voodoo here. So much that I will not risk it with any trash talk. All I can say is that the incense is burning, dead chickens are hanging, the bull shit is flinging and just to be sure I'm shacking up with Ms Clowie tonight! Your toast Shysters!
Prediction: Shysters by 1

Week 2 Wrap Up

Sorry, guys, but I’ve been out of touch with the league this week. If you haven’t heard the saga yet, let me share. (I’m the chick in this group, so I get to share all of my meaningful life information with you even if you don’t give a hoot. So take it like a man!) We spent the weekend attempting to rescue my parents’ basement from a flood (6-8 inches of water in the basement) and failed. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I hate moving waterlogged furniture while I’m standing more-than-ankle-deep in water on a slippery tile floor. And then our drive home on Sunday was miserable because we couldn’t get out of the Chicago area with all of the flooding and expressways being closed. Top it off with losing to the Commish and getting massively outscored even though he left one roster spot empty. But wait! That wasn’t the last of it! Even though we did finally get home on Sunday night, the power went out, and didn’t get restored for 2 days. I have a frig and freezers full of funky food now, so as you can probably guess, I haven’t been in the best of moods. Grrrr, hell hath no fury like the Football Widow in a flood!

By the way, thanks, Tim, for being our fantasy football lifeline. I’m sure you probably got sick of all of the phone calls asking for updates on the scores!

I try to remind myself to be thankful for the things that I DO have, like a great family, a nice home and an ideal work situation. And then reality butts its ugly head in to my pipe dream again, and I just want to release my frustrations, to vent a little. So to keep things on a constructive level, I’ve decided that I will just have to take it out on my opponent. Look out, Heroes!

But back to business! If there is anything that I’ve learned so far in looking back at each of our weeks of results, it’s that no one can seem to predict anything in football accurately, not even the paid experts. Timmy, you’ll need to refresh your supply of goat excrement or whatever it is that you use for your voodoo predictions, because you were WAY off the mark this past week, man. And Yahoo isn’t much better, really. I guess you’ve got to go from your gut, grow a pair and make that executive decision.

From the fly-on-the-wall in the Commish’s Office – if you haven’t noticed, the Maulers have put RB Reggie Bush on the trading block in hopes of getting a WR. My source tells me that the Maulers have already received 2 offers. If you are unfamiliar with how trades work in fantasy football, if the Maulers approve a trade offer, each one of us in the league gets to vote on the trade. If the majority approves it, the trade will go through. If not, it’s back to the trading block. Word is that there are quite a few managers looking for WRs. The Commish has been offering up free advice for those who have been calling. If you’re in need of a bright idea, give the Commish a call. But remember, there’s always the piper to pay….

And finally, just to close things well, here’s a great pic that I wanted to share with all of you. Good luck, All!

Week 2 Wrap Up: By the Numbers

Matchup	Votes	Y! Proj	Tim's Prdt	Actual
ChiTown Shysters	5	86.90	by 2	69
Nashville Nimrods	2	89.15		85
Homer's Heroes	3	74.24	by 9	95
LBNLs	4	78.63		87
Southern Maulers	5	77.31	by 3	70
Nonads	3	74.32		74
Happy Hopheads	4	75.84		78
sunday brew crew	3	72.89	by 7	54
Sidehill Gougers	6	79.14	by 1	107
Brown County Blues	2	70.94		61
Dallas Demons	1	71.18	by 5	95
Belmont Boozers	7	86.11		113

Week 2 Predictions

WEEK 2 PREDICTIONS

Well folks, I just had my first week of court mandated sensitivity training. Let’s see if any of it took hold. Any bets?

Nimrods Vrs Shysters:
This is a tough one to call. One thing I can say for sure is that someone is sleeping on the couch tonight. Wanna guess who that might be? Lou?
The Shysters are loaded up on Steelers. She is banking on Pittsburg having a big day. If they don’t, your toast girl. By the way, why do you have that Bum T.J. on your team? This guy couldn’t catch the ball if his life depended on it.
Nimrods have a very good looking team. He is loaded up with the big guns. The only problem is that he is still hanging onto that Arizona defense. Last week was a fluke Lou. That aint happening this week. Even though they are up against Miami they will stink it up. You’ll see...they were a one week wonder.
Watch out Lou … the Shysters are looking to pick your pocket. She sure as hell aint looking to pick your brain. Arizona defense…what the hell are you thinking?
Prediction: Shysters by 2.

Brew Crew Vrs. Hopheads:
Can the Brew Crew do it again? 116 Points! Wow! That is double what I scored last week! (Didn’t figure I could do math did ya?)
I think the key in this game is LT. If he is out then the Hopheads have a chance. If he is in and gets the ball a dozen times or more then the Hopheads will be crying in their beer tonight.
Prediction: Brew Crew by 7

Sidehill Gougers Vrs the Brown County Blues:
Here is a sleeper folks. And I don’t mean that in a good way. Good Lord! Look at these teams. Between both teams there is only one player worth watching. Just look at these rosters! Kitna verses Campbell! You kidding me guys? Are you guys that dumb or are you just trying to be funny?
Not one Cowboy on either roster. Need I say more? I’ll bet we don’t even see 100 points combined in this matchup.
Prediction: Gougers by 1

Nonads Vrs Maulers:
This will be a good one. The Nonads got himself some cahoonas! Nice adjustments Steve. You might have a shot at it this week. However you have one big problem…McNabb is gonna get picked off two times today. My Boys will put so much pressure on him that he is gonna look more like a duck than an eagle.
Manning is going to look better than last week. I think he will put up some good numbers today and that will be the difference in this matchup.
Prediction: Maulers by 3

Boozers Vrs Demons:
Looks like the Boozers went on the wagon. I like the looks of that team. He has a so, so QB but the rest of the team is strong. Wouldn’t be surprised if he gets over 100 points this week.
Demons are no slouch team either. Look at this line up! Loaded with studs.
You guys took all the fun out of it for me. I can’t trash either of you. Just gonna have to save it for another day.
Prediction: Demons by 5
By the way Boozers, have I ever told you how much I love that team name?

Last but not Leasts Vrs my Heros:
If bull crap won matchups then LBNL would win this one hands down.
Even though Eli is up against lousy ass St. Louis he will still suck! Titty baby!
You know another thing LBNL? You need to trade me Barber. It’s just not right for him to be on the team of a Giant fan. It should be a crime!
This one wont even be close. Half your players are banged up and the other half will be on the bench with their thumbs up their butts or sucking on their thumbs or sucking on their thumbs after they had ‘em up their butts!
My Heros on the other had are all that. Just look at that line up. Jealous aren’t you?
Sucks to be you Pete!
Prediction: Heros by 9

Week 1 Wrap Up: By the Numbers

Matchup	Votes	Y! Proj	Tim's Prdt	Actual
Homer's Heroes	2	81.92	by 10	58
Nashville Nimrods	4	84.54		61
sunday brew crew	4	80.69		116
Southern Maulers	3	72.00	by 3	92
Brown County Blues	2	74.91		54
Happy Hopheads	5	83.68	by 2	55
Belmont Boozers	6	86.34	by 4	79
Sidehill Gougers	1	75.25		50
LBNLs	5	70.24	by 5	88
Dallas Demons	2	68.01		87
Nonads	1	74.74		70
ChiTown Shysters	6	91.62	by 12	91

Week 1 Wrap Up

Homer’s Heroes vs. Nashville Nimrods
What do you get when you cross Curly Howard (of the Three Stooges) with Homer Simpson? You get the Nimrods vs. Heroes. It was loud and ugly, but they got the job done. The Nimrods came in with a last-minute move, replacing the Chicago D with Arizona’s D. Obviously this befuddled the Heroes, who were reeling from Arizona’s 18 points, the best this week for defenses. Who woulda thunk?!! And, in spite of zero points from Carson Palmer and -1 from Chris Perry, the Nimrods managed to pull off a victory. Heroes, maybe if you hadn’t spent so much time being a pyro and a lush at the Dallas game, you might have been able to save it. The Heroes will need to re-evaluate its receiving corp, which netted absolutely nothing in points this week. Just think, if just one of them, any one of them, had gotten a couple of points, a measley 30-40 yards, you might not be crying in your beer!

Sunday Brew Crew vs. Southern Maulers
This matchup resulted in the two highest scores of the week. As Timmy pointed out in some recent smack talk (he must have been out of beer and somewhat coherent), the Maulers could have beaten any other team this week, except the one team that he played. Look out Managers, the brew crew has a dynamic RB duo of LaDanian Tomlinson AND his previous backup, Michael Turner. The backup outscored the veteran this week – Turner rushed for a ton of yards and 2 TDs. LT is now nursing a bad toe. This could be good news for the rest of us. Yahoo didn’t come close to predicting these high scores. Congrats, brew crew, on your first win in the league. Oh, by the way, all new managers that win their first game during their debut year must buy all the managers a round of drinks. Now is as good a time as any other to start a new tradition! ;)

Brown County Blues vs Happy Hopheads
Man, oh man, there’s some really bad karma floating around the Blues. First we hear that Tom Brady is out of the game after the 1st quarter. Then we find out that he’s out for the rest of the season. Holy crap! The NFL just lost its poster boy! What should have been an unbelievable opportunity for the Hopheads turned out to be only a close win by the hairs on his chinny-chin-chin. Just imagine what might have happened if Brady would have stayed in the game, all knees intact. Bobbo, the gods must have been smiling on you this weekend! Perhaps the surprise visit with the wife appeased the gods and gained you their favor. This one event changes all the projections for all NE offensive players (Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Laurence Maroney, etc.) Pete, it’s time to crawl back into the sweat lodge and hope for some spiritual insight. Perhaps the Commish might give you some suggestions on how to do some wheelin’ and dealin’ for a new quarterback. But be careful – you might have to sell your soul to the Devil, or maybe just rent it out for a short while.

Belmont Boozers vs. Sidehill Gougers
All but three of the starters on the Gougers’ roster underperformed in Week 1. All of them scored, but just didn’t score enough. The MIN D should have been impressive, but all they could muster was 2 fantasy points. The Boozers, on the other hand, got off to a solid start. Once again Adam has shown how savvy and shrewd he can be. The fly-on-the-wall in the Commissioner’s Office tells me the Boozers may consider putting a couple of players on the trading block. Wonder who it will be! To the managers in the South, let me just warn you now. Don’t let yourself get lulled into a false sense of security thinking that the Gougers don’t have any smack talk. Last season they won the all-time Best Smack Talk Award: May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your crotch. I don’t know about you guys, but that concept scares the %!@# out of me!

LBNLs vs Dallas Demons
I have to say that I have enjoyed the smack talk in this matchup! It was like watching two monkeys locked in the same cage together with only one banana. Weeeeeeeeee! It was another close one, only a 1-point margin. And it was a last minute victory for the LBNLs. Great smack, guys – keep it up!

Nonads vs ChiTown Shysters
In spite of some of my best poking, I couldn’t get the Nonads to talk any smack. It was not an easy victory. Going into the first Monday night game, there was still an opportunity for the Nonads, but all he had left was his DL and DB. So I have to ask… is there a meaning to the team name? You have to admit, it does make you go “Huh?”

Highest Points: Sunday Brew Crew
Lowest Points: Sidehill Gougers

FF Studs of the Week:
QB - Donovan McNabb (Nonads) 361 passing yds, 3 rushing yds, 3 passing TD = 25 ff points
RB - Willie Parker (ChiTown Shysters) 138 rushing yds, 3 TD, 1 tackle = 25 ff points
WR – Hines Ward (LBNLs) 76 receiving yds, 2 TD = 15 ff points
TE – Anthony Fasano (not owned in Wk1) 84 receiving yds, 1 TD = 10 ff points
Dante Rosario (not owned) 96 receiving yards, 1 TD = 10 ff points
K – John Kasay (not owned in Wk 1) 2 FG 30-39, 2 FG 40-49, 2 PAT = 16 ff points
DEF – Arizona (Nashville Nimrods) 13 pts allowed, 4 sacks, 1 int, 4 fum rec = 18 ff points
DB – Chris Gamble (not owned) 5 solo tackles, 1 fum rec, 1 TD = 13 ff points
DL – James Harrison (not owned) 7 solo tackles, 3 sacks = 16 ff points
D – James Harrison

Looking to Week 2, good luck everyone!

A Giants Fan

A first grade teacher in Dallas explained to her class one day that she was a huge Cowboys fan, and asked her students to raise their hands high in the air if they were Cowboy fans, too. Every single hand went up in the air excitedly except for one little girl sitting way in the back, who did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she had decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a Cowboys fan," she responded.
"Then," asked the teacher carefully, "what are you?"
"I'm a proud New York Giants fan," the little girl said.
The teacher next asked patiently, "Did your family once live in New York?"
"No," said the little girl, "I'm just a proud Giants fan."
"Do you have friends or relatives living in New York? Is that why you're a Giants fan?" asked the teacher, trying to understand and remain calm.
"Nope," responded the little girl shyly, "I'm just a proud Giants fan."
Somewhat exasperated, the teacher asked the little girl, "If you've never lived there, and don't know anyone who lives there, then how can you be a Giants fan?"
"Well, my Daddy is a Giants fan and my Mommy is a Giants fan, so I'm a Giants fan, too," she responded, smiling.
"That's not a very good reason," the teacher responded quickly. "What if your mommy was a moron, and your daddy was an idiot? What would you be then?"
The little girl thought for a moment, smiled and said, "Then I'd be a Cowboys fan, just like you."

A True Fan

Tom Brady, Brett Farve, Peyton Manning, Tony Romo, and Eli Manning were all walking up along a big cliff, arguing over how loyal they were to their teams. Suddenly, Peyton Manning yelled: “this is for my Colts fans, who live in the cleanest, most crime-free community in the U.S.”, and jumped off the cliff, kicking and waving his arms all the way to the bottom. Next, Tom Brady stepped up and screamed: “this is for the Patriot fans, who are the most true-blue of all fans anywhere”, and he leaped off the cliff, doing somersaults and singing all the way down to the jagged rocks below. Next came Tony Romo, smiling broadly, who slid up to the edge and argued: "this is for Cowboy fans...America's fans, who are as loyal as loyal can be," and he flew off the edge of the cliff, flapping his wings like an eagle until he disappeared down below. Brett Farve looked down and then up to the heavens above, and said: “God, this is for You and true football fans everywhere, who are scattered all across this great land of ours,” and he pushed Eli Manning over the cliff.

Hello! My name is {insert your name here}

Hello everyone, and welcome to the banter! For those of you returning to our fantasy football league, I'm impressed that you were willing to come back! For the newcomers, all I can say is that somebody must have really done a song-and-dance to get you to commit to this!

Anyway, to start the season, I thought it would be a good idea for each team manager to post a little something about himself. We've got a bunch of newbies, so consider this our little "mixer" and our chance to get to know one another before we start slinging the mud and talkin' the trash. Let's see if we can get the Commish to start us off. (pssst, that's your cue, Lou!)

To view all of the managers' profiles posted so far, go to the managers section.

(Originally posted 8/7/08; Re-posted 9/3/08)

Last Minute Free Agent Sleepers

Ah, it's early September, Labor Day weekend hangovers are still haunting some of you, the southeast is lousy with hurricane repercussions, and the Clowntown fantasy draft is now a distant memory. After months of conjecture, scheming, hype, and reading all the so-called "experts", it's time to separate the children from the grown-ups. More importantly, it's time to scan the waiver wire for that last-minute secret to round out your fantasy team in preparation for Thursday's opener.

Brady Quinn, Cleveland Browns--Derek Anderson returned to practice last Monday and the Browns say he will play Sunday against the Cowboys, but there have been rumblings that his concussion was more troublesome than first believed. Quinn would take over a high-scoring offense should Anderson have any setbacks over the next couple of weeks. There remains a possibility that Quinn could begin to see playing time later in the year should the Anderson-led Browns stumble through a tough schedule. He's certainly worth stashing on your bench.

Pierre Thomas, New Orleans Saints--Speaking of being next in line, this time behind an older, injury-prone running back, Thomas is in a plum situation with the Saints high-flying offense. It's no secret that soon-to-be thirtysomething running back Deuce McAllister is coming off a second ACL surgery and an additional microfracture surgery. Thomas' impressive 226 total yards in Week 17 last season is proof that he can contribute in both the running game and the passing game if Deuce is too rickety for a consistent role.

Mark Clayton, Baltimore Ravens--It's tough to imagine, but Clayton was ranked as a surefire Top-25 receiver going into last season. Battling through injuries to his foot, calf, head, and back, the expected breakout receiver just couldn't get anything going in 2007. New offensive coordinator Cam Cameron promises to be more creative than Brian Billick, but the Baltimore quarterback morass and Clayton's lost season have scared owners away. He hasn't lost the talent, however, and has the look of a classic post-hype sleeper.

Eddie Royal, Denver Broncos--This rookie out of Virginia Tech went from fifth receiver and probable punt returner to starter opposite Brandon Marshall by the time camp was over. Coach Mike Shanahan has been effusive in his praise of the precocious Royal and backed up the hype by moving him up the depth chart. He's an especially nice target in return-yardage leagues.

There ya have it....ain't some of these sleepers making you think a bit? Have at 'em, and good luck (unless you're the manager of the Homely Heroes)!

Dallas Humor

What do Billy Graham and the Dallas Cowboys football team have in common? They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."