Week 3 Wrap Up

Well, lookie here! I go away to ChiTown for a few days and come back to some virtual bar-room brawl via smacktalk. Man, oh man, it’s only gonna get uglier from here on out!

The zingers are flying fast and furious, so fast that I can’t even get my reviews done in time! But at the very least, I have to start with the Week 3 predictions by Timmy the Greek. Geez, Tim, you’ve left so much material for me to work with, it’s almost too good to be true! I see that you’ve stepped it up a notch or two. I was impressed that you could type so much while holding a beer! We can see that the sensitivity training didn’t take (small wonder). Better luck next time, Timmy!

So the gloves are off, you say? Rust belt??! I think you’re spending a little too much time looking at everyone’s belt buckles, pardner. And if I remember correctly, you’re originally from the big, bad North. I wouldn’t draw that line too deep in the sand, gringo. I could whip out the whole Toledo Cowboy routine, but I’ll save that for later!

Let’s take a look at the matchups:

Nashville Nimrods vs. Southern Maulers
It was close up until Sunday night, but then the Maulers got a small lead and never looked back. The Maulers got an unexpected 13 points from Frank Gore (I’m still NOT a believer) and another 13 from Brandon Marshall (criminal). Winfield was a total goon and got another 13 points. Hmmm, does anyone see a pattern here? And will Peyton Manning ever recover? Man, he looked kinda pukey. The Nimrods got great performances from Tennessee DEF and 2 defensive players, but Cassel came up with the short straw. The rest of the Nimrod roster only got single digits each. It looks like it’s time for an overhaul, Commish. It’s time to drop T.O. and replace him with someone with less ego (which would be just about anyone else). And while you’re at it, drop that Tennessee DEF as well! Not much smacktalk between the Maulers and the Nimrods compared to all of the noise from Frick and Frack (Demons and Homer), oh, and I can’t forget the peanut gallery (everyone else!). But wait! Ronnie Brown had the game of his career, scoring 38 freakin’ points – on the bench. Ouch. I can’t say too much more about the Commish or he might make me sleep in the garage, so I’ll just leave it at that!

Happy Hopheads vs. Nonads
Can you say “Lucky Stinkin’ Duck”? How is it that the Hopheads are 3-0? Even with help from Nate Kaeding (K), the Nonads could not put a stop to Bobbo and his hopheads. So how does he do it? It looks like the Hopheads got at decent performance from at least one player in each position. Sammy Morris and Muhsin Muhammed were of little value, but the team as a whole did well. Once again, Frick and Frack had more to say in the smacktalk than anyone else, but it made for good entertainment. Somebody pass me the popcorn!

Sidehill Gougers vs. Sunday Brew Crew
You always have to watch out for the quiet ones – you never really know what’s going in inside their heads. No smack from the Gougers, but he made the Winking Brew Crew work for a victory. Let me guess - our brew crew manager is a Buffalo fan. Uh, gee, I’m not sure what to say about that. But you’ve got to see that ALL of your Buffalo players combined still scored LESS than your 1 running back, Michael Turner. That’s a whole defensive team plus 3 individual defensive players! Geez! And Clark, Clark, Clark. I think you may have had too much faith in Kitna and Roy Williams. It’s just my opinion, but I think that horse has been beaten well beyond death. Once again, Frick, Frack and Company strike again. It’s kind of like barhopping, but instead of hopping from bar to bar, their hopping from smacktalk zone to zone!

Dallas Demons vs. Brown County Blues
Apparently the idea of going to Hell in a Hand-Basket never occurred to Frick, Frack, Company and more. The Blues may be down and out for the moment, but he hasn’t called upon The Big Guy to smote any of you houligans. YET. And Demons, you better be careful that you don’t put your feet into that big, gaping maw of yours – that New England DEF looked AWFUL. I mean, come on! It’s Miami, for cryin’ out loud! You got by fairly well this week, but one of these days (and maybe soon) somebody will squash Rivers like the dung beetle that he is, and you’ll be nothing but a funny-looking, nose-pickin’ gargoyle rather than that bottle-opener demon (and what the hell is that anyway??!). I know, I know. I can hear it already. You’re chanting FE-LIX JONES! FE-LIX JONES! Fine. I got it. But remember that your man-crush won’t always win you games, Demons.

Belmont Boozers vs. LBNLs
LBNLs – can you get a real name, please?! It takes too long to type, so we’re forced to abbreviate it into alphabet soup. I found a random team name generator online and came up with some suggestions for you: the Green Ponies; the Embarrassed Hyenas; the Concrete Wombats; the Energetic Planets. On second thought, stick with your alphabet soup. The Random Team Name Generator apparently is on crack. Since everyone is giving you grief about your avatar, I propose a contest. Have everyone come up with a better avatar for LBNLs, and you get to pick the winner. You have to admit, it’s not easy coming up with a mascot for a team named Last But Not Least’s. What would it be? A late tax return? A caboose? I’m lost on this one. Meanwhile, the Boozers are feeling awfully good about their 1-point victory. Don’t get too comfortable, Boozer, because at closing time we all have to walk/crawl/stumble out the door. You won’t get too far with mediocrity!

Homer’s Heroes vs. ChiTown Shysters
To answer your question, Tim, we were 2-2 up until this matchup. Each year that you were in the league, we split the season, 1-1 in 2006 and 1-1 in 2007. Sorry, Bubba, but you’ll just have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it this year because we won’t meet again in regular season play. IF you make it to the playoffs, you might stand a chance. But I doubt it. You’ll be too busy kissing the feet (or arse) of Marion the Barbarian, you won’t see my hitmen coming. Oh, and the skank that you’ve been banging in order to strengthen your voodoo isn’t really Miss Clowie. Miss CLEO is who you're thinking of, and she’s not interested in men, if you get my meaning. Miss CLOWIE is her horse! Nice try, Toledo Tex, but I think your voodoo is fading fast.

Good luck in Week 4, everyone!