Week 8 Wrap Up

Hello, Everyone! The results from Week 8 really drew some of the lines in the sand. There's a definite separation now between the upper third of the league and the middle. The top three teams hold their rankings without sharing their spots with other teams. Let's take a look at how we all did:

Southern Molesters vs. Sidehill Gougers
When is a gouger most dangerous? When he’s rolled all the way down to the bottom of the hill, looks up and realizes that he has to climb all the way back up. The Molesters were the on the receiving end of that frustration and got STOMPED ON like the pus-feeding maggots that they are. Yahoo had only projected 65.27 points for the Gougers and 76.96 for the Molesters. Do you ever wonder if they guys at Yahoo get paid for the crackerjack projections they calculate? I think that even someone like Tim could even do a better job – at that’s scraping the bottom of the barrel, folks! On a sidenote, since our daughter has entered junior high, the Commish has been checking the internet for convicted sex offenders in the area. Even though he lives in Texas, the Molesters’ manager has a reputation even here in Indiana. The sex offender registry includes photos of these guys. See the Molesters here performing unspeakable acts on an inflatable farm animal while performing karaoke. The pervert has no boundaries!








Nashville Nimrods vs. Brown County Blues
Fall is always my favorite season in Brown County – the cool, crisp, country air, the great range of colors from the foliage (somebody please translate this for LBNL!), and lots of great apple cider, pumpkin cookies and persimmon pudding. The Commish hasn’t enjoyed the season so much this year. For the Commish, this matchup was all about staying out of the basement, or as he put it, staying at the top of dung heap. If I remember correctly on some recent smacktalk, if it smells like crap and looks like crap, it’s crap. The Blues got their redemption, avoiding being labeled with the only team without a win. Sorry Commish, but I’m sure that Pete appreciates your “generosity” in losing to him. If Tom “Constantly Constipated” Coughlin hadn’t benched Plaxico Burress, you might have had a chance, even might have been victorious. Well, the vultures are circling now, watching as the defending 2-time champion struggles this season. I’d watch your back, Lou, because you can’t be sure who might want to put that knife between the shoulder blades in this league!

Happy Hopheads vs. LBNLs
Every week we are surprised, shocked even, when the Hopheads rack up another win. I mean, c’mon, this is a Trame managing this team! Apparently Bob has become the Rainman of fantasy football, our very own idiot savante. Who woulda thunk??! And I always just referred to him as an idiot. Congratulations on another win, Bob-o and sole possession of 2nd place. The Hopheads had the very productive quartet of Laveranues Coles, Marshawn Lynch, Kevin Faulk and Antonio Gates, all scoring 10-12 points each. What promised to be an interesting matchup for smacktalk turned out to be more of a revelation. LBNL Pete disclosed that he actually has a learning disability, and this is the reason that he has difficulty typing, speaking English and learning his alphabet. I apologize if any of my comments and pointed jabs offended you, Pete, so in the spirit of fairplay, I found an avatar that would truly fit you and your team. If you need help getting it uploaded, just let me know.



Homer’s Heroes vs. Belmont Boozers
Heroes, this was your chance to prove that you’re a man, to take on the Goliath of the league, to wipe the smug, @#%!-eating grin off of the Boozers face. No such luck. Even with no points from his TE, the Boozers still scored 92 points. Geez. Is there no one to save us now? Can anyone stop the Boozers and their life-threatening, flesh-melting drink recipes?? I know that you all have an affection for the team, especially since you’re all a bunch of lushes, but we’re letting this guy run away with the title! Bartman couldn’t do it, so now to whom shall we turn?

Sunday Brew Crew vs. Nonads
The Nonads must have been either out of the country of out of his mind when he set up his lineup for this matchup. Somehow the decision of leaving his TE on the bench just doesn’t seem to make any sense. Granted that we don’t expect a boatload of points from a TE, but the Nonads never gave their team a chance. Getting zero points from Stephen Jackson and Jonathon Stewart didn’t help matters either. So now the Brew Crew is justified in his man-crush on Roddy White who scored 18 points this past weekend. We really should institute a “Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell” policy in this league, because it’s not really necessary to know what some of you do with your spare time. If you feel the need to dress up as an ancient Roman soldier and play “games” with your other male friends, we don’t really have to know about it. Really!

ChiTown Shysters vs. Dallas Demons
It was the classic matchup of (semi) Good vs. Evil or Brains vs. (semi) Braun. I don’t know what universe or astral plane you live in, Demons, but around here on this planet an inflatable demon doll named “Elvira” doesn’t count as a girlfriend much less a cheerleader. (Did anyone see last week’s CSI:NY? FREAKS!!!) Your mistake was in thinking that SD DEF could score points. They haven’t held back much, giving up the 3rd most passing yards and touchdowns in the NFL. But it’s hard to take notice of such details when you’re knee-deep in brimstone and demon manure. What I’m saying is just like it’s time to clean up your demon dwellings, it’s time to clean house with your team. If you address the duds that you have on your starting roster, you might avoid slipping closer to the basement. The rest of your schedule doesn’t look all that appealing, my cloven-hoof friend. But who wants a demon to win anyway?

Good luck, Everyone, and don't forget to cheer AGAINST the Boozers!

Drunks win. Losers need a drink. Let's all get drunk.

Little Gabe

It was a share day in elementary school, where each student was expected to talk about what their dad did for a living, his hobbies, or what he enjoyed doing in his spare time. Little Gabe was last, and finally the teacher called on him to talk about his own dad. Little Gabe stepped timidly to the front of the class, thought for a moment or two, and then began to speak.

"My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs special acts on them."

The teacher was absolutely shocked and appalled, and she called for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sat down with Little Gabe and asked him if this was really true about his dad.

Little Gabe hung his head, his tiny lips quivering with tears running down his face, and said, "No, but I was too embarrassed to admit he was a Dallas Cowboys fan."

Still Having Trouble Posting to the Blog?

If you still haven't figured out how to add a post to the blog, there is an alternative. If you have access to email, you can send your post to wittybeatrice.football@blogger.com, and your email will be added to the blog just like any other post. How does it work? I haven't tested it yet myself, but I'm willing to give it a try. Now if you need instructions on how to send an email, well, then, we'll just have to pull out the REALLY basic book for that one. I've learned that even email is a challenge for a few of you, so just send a verbal message via Tim or the Commish, and I'll see what I can do to get your stuff on the blog. (You do know how to talk, don't you?)

Week 8 Predictions

Folks, your not gonna believe this! That dumb ass Dr. Phill is still giving me crap. He said that my statements about you guys were mean and hurtful. He told me he’s never heard anybody be so rude. I told him that he needs to get a life. I mean common! Does this guy live in a bubble or what?

This friggin prick just kept on and on and on. You know if I want to get ragged on like that I can just go get that in the comfort of my own home! Believe you me there is no shortage of it there! Dr. Phil said “hey now, I’ve met your wife and she is a sweetheart. I know she doesn’t rag on you like that.” Shiiitt! This guy DOES live in a bubble doesn’t he? What gal doesn’t rag on her old man? Better yet, what guy doesn’t deserve to be ragged on? Besides, (keep this one between us now) little does he know it but when my wife rags on me it kinda turns me on and the LAST thing I wanted was to have Dr. Phil getting me frisky! BBBRRR can you imagine that? I’d have to shoot myself (after I shot him of course)! So I cried uncle. I told him OK, OK, you win! You want me to lay on the charm? I’ll do it! But I had to have him make me a deal first. Well actually two deals. First deal is he has to quit coming to our sessions wearing a dress! Man he is such a cross dressing faggot! Number two was that he has to allow me to lay on the charm separate from my predictions! I told him that maybe, just maybe I could lay on the charm to my friends (See that? Laying on the BS already!) but I can’t do that with their teams. That just aint happening! He asked why. Why couldn’t I praise their teams as well as them? So I flashed the Blues and Gougers line ups at him and he caved in! I mean that is just too obvious when I showed him what I have to work with.

So OK, here it goes. Who do I start with? I guess I go with the easiest first. That way I can get warmed up. Let’s see, let’s see, hmm, the easiest to charm? OHH I know, LBNL! No wait, that is the easiest target for slamming not the easiest for flattering. Oh I got it! How about my Bro. I’ve known him all my life. He has got to be the easiest! This should be a breeze! Shouldn’t it? You would think so.
OK, Bobo it is! Yup, good old Bob. The Bobarino! Brother Bob. Bob, Bob, Bob. My big Bro Bob. Bob the truck driver. Hhmmm, um, Bobo, Bobo, Bobo….. CRAP! This aint as easy as you would think. Man this is such a bitch! I’m giving myself a migraine! I’m about ready to bust a vein in my forehead! Aw common now! I gotta have something!

Intermission: (gotta go pound a 6 pack for this one! Be right back)

OK, I,m back! Where was I? Oh yeah! Bob………. CRAP!
Hold on folks. Gotta make another beer run.

Alrighty, here we go….. Bob, my good old Bro……… OOPS! Hold on! Need to hit the head! The old bladder aint what it used to be. Wait! That gave me an idea! Oh, no, better not say that. I would find it flattering but I don’t think Dr. Phil would dig it. Hell, now that I think about it Bob might not be too keen on it either. Bathroom it is.

OK, I’m back. Let me get back at task here……Aw man! Screw it! I’m going to the liquor store for this one folks! Gotta get the hard stuff!

Ok, I’m good and tanked now. That should do the trick!

Now here it is. I can do this damnit! Think Tim, THINK! OH YEAH I GOT IT! Since so many of you guys failed to put your introductions on the blog I’m going to do the intros for you. However instead of following the format I’m gonna clue you all in to the real identity of all our Managers. I have some nice tidbits about everyone that will help you to get to know each other. Don’t ask how I got this information, just know this, it’s the real deal!

Did any of you guys know that Bob was a cross country runner? Yup! A damn good one at that! That guy ran plenty of marathons. Always finished with a pretty good time too! The guy was good (in the day). Just ask him he will tell you. The guy ran marathons like I run my mouth. Boy I remember in the ‘70’s (you old fogies remember the disco days don’t you?) Yup, old Bob would be out there in tight ass silk speedo shorts looking all damper for all those cross country groupie chicks (like they really existed). He had his pecker tucked so tight in those shorts it cut off the circulation to his brain. Not a lot of blood flow in either head! Yup, Bob the mighty disco runner half dressed pimp. He looked like a cross between Richard Sims and John Travolta in Grease. Want a visual on that one? Hold on girls, this one will get you all excited.





Plus




Equals




Now here is a good one for ya.
Robert (Dallas Demons) is actually a celebrity. Didn’t know that did you folks? Yup. Old Robert is a famous actor. And a comedian to boot! But I am all sure you guessed that by his infamous smack talk. I just used to love to watch this guy on TV. This guy would crack me up! Quite the ladies man too (or so he thinks). Now you guys know…Robert is none other than… are you ready for this?.....

JJ!



He signs autographs too. The charge is a six pack of tall boys!

The Boozers tries to act like a tough man. He is really the sweetest cuddly teddy bear of a guy. No matter how bad he screws up you just can’t get mad at the guy. Just look at this puss… Not far off what you had pictured was it. Otis of Mayberry! He is the Mayor of Podunk, Indiana too!




It’s your team name that gave you away Boozers.

LBNL alias Pete is another famous (in this case infamous) member of our group. He is a household name. Clinton was proud to be surrounded by LBNL’s family. When you see this you will realize how appropriate his team name really is. You will also know why he is so mentally challenged that he can’t create an avatar or spell worth a crap. Hell you should hear him try and pronounce the words even when they are spelled correctly. By the way, he thinks he is number one.









Did you get it? Clinton was proud to be surrounded by his family? The Bush family! Oh crap, that’s right, LBNL is reading. Let me spell it out for ya George….. Clinton…puss hound….bush… get it, surrounded by bush? Get it now? Aw forget it man.

Everybody is lead to believe that Brown County Blues is actually a Preacher. That is really a trap. He does that to give you all a false sense of security. He figured we would all cut him some slack if we thought he was a man of the cloth. He is actually a diabolical, manipulative, highly intelligent mastermind of mayhem. Got to hand it to the guy, he had me fooled until I discovered the real Pete. Bartboy was the one to uncover the truth on this guy. Never would have figured this one by his smack talk. Maybe now you’ll show us your true colors Blues.




I always wondered why the Gougers never smack talk. Is he anti social? Does he believe in the smack talk jinx? Is he one of those guys that can’t take it so he doesn’t dish it out? Doesn’t he have anything to say? Then it dawned on me. Maybe this guy is challenged like LBNL. Could it be? Is he a dimrod? A dingleberry? A retard? Well I did my search and found out, YUP, the dude is slow in the head. He is none other than Forest Gump.



The Brew Crew actually does have a still in his garage. Jealous Boozers? He also has the most horrible luck with women. He’s stuck in a dead end job. Lives in his parents house and has the looks of a geek. Yup, you got it! Brew crew is none other than Drew Carey!













While I was at it I found you an avatar dude!

When the Maulers changed his team name to the Molesters it was a dead give away. This guy was in the news so much he needs no further introduction.




How many of you have wondered like me? How can the Commissioner have so much football knowledge (sorry LBNL, knowledge means to know a lot of stuff) yet put together such a looser team? I don’t know how many of you guys talk with the commissioner but those of us that do talk to him know. The Nimrods know his football. Some of his tip columns have been very insightful. They helped me a lot. Yet you look at his team and his record and you just wonder. Well wonder no more folks. Actually when you think about it this was obvious. The Commissioner’s real identity is Mr. Jerry Jones.




Shysters were an easy slam dunk too. You ever wonder why she roots for my team so much? Duhh!





The Nonads owns his own publication. Not saying he is literate (sorry again LBNL, that means good with words or in your language, wordy). Actually his publications are the closest thing to a book LBNL ever opens. Right up your alley Pete. Mostly pictures. Well that is the only reason anyone buys his stuff anyway. Nonads is none other than Hue Hefner, Mr. Playboy himself.




And me? No mystery there. I really am Homers Heros in the flesh.




Now wasn’t all that flattering folks? Do me a favor and put in a good word to the Doc. for me. I’m too pretty to go to jail.

On to the predictions…

Nimrods VRS The Blues:
Blues really need his first win. Poor guy. You just can’t help but root for him. He’s like a puppy dog left out in the rain. Too bad it aint happening this week Bub.
Prediction: Nimrods by 7

Shysters VRS The Demons:
The two angels of death battle it out this week.Shysters need this one to stay in the front runners. Demons need it to get to mediocre. Oh crap, sorry again LBNL, mediocre means to be just bellow average. Kinda like your sexual performance. Well that is what your wife told me the other night anyway.
Prediction: Shysters by 5

Brew Crew VRS Nonads:
Speaking of mediocre… this is the mediocre bowl itself!
Prediction: Brew Crew by 8

Hopheads VRS LBNL:
I’ll keep it simple for you LBNL. You suck! Don’t get excited Hopheads. Your no peach either. Just a lucky bastard!
Prediction: Hopheads by 0.5
This will be another week that the Hopheads will win but could have gotten beat by any other team in the league.

Molesters VRS The Gougers:
Now here is the suck bowl. A 2-5 team against a 1-6 team. LOOOSERS! Do you guys work at sucking this bad? I mean GEEZE fellas! This is embarrassing!
Prediction: Molesters by 5

My Homers Heros VRS The Boozers:
The buzzards are circling you Boozers. Time to fall off your throne. Get off the pot! You know. That porcelain alter you pray to every night you lush you! It’s not going to be a whooping but you are going down Bud!
Prediction: Homers Heros by 2
By the way Boozers… That team name has a real ring to it!

That's it for me this week. I'm thrashed.

Week 7 Wrap Up

Hi Everyone! We've passed the halfway mark for the season, so how is your team looking now? Bye weeks are always the test of strategic strength of a manager, and some of us are looking pretty good. Some of us were halfway to smart but then decided to take a left turn. But in the end, there can be only one, one team on top, that is. Will it be the Boozers? The team is still undefeated and also has the most points scored for the season so far. Be careful, Adam, for the Curse of the Red Hot Skillet may strike you. You're wondering, what the hell is the "Red Hot Skillet", aren't ya? Well, last season, the Highway Hogz (manager: Bob Trame) renamed the team to the Red Hot Skillet in hopes of remaining undefeated in the playoffs like he did during the regular season. The Highway Hogz, aka Red Hot Skillet then CHOKED in the playoffs, losing in the first round. We felt bad for Bob-o (for a moment) but then I remembered: when you're playing King of the Hill, it's easier to be the one trying to knock off the guy on top than to be at the top of the hill trying to protect yourself on all sides from all the nutjobs coming after you!

This week was one of extremes. We had the widest range in scores in Week 7 - 44 points on the bottom (Molesters) and 124.5 on the top (Shysters), a difference of 80.5 points. What does this mean? Damned if I know, but it's always interesting to look at the numbers in hopes that some brilliant realization will come. Outside of the numbers, we had some of the best smack we've seen this season so far. Great entertainment, guys! By the way, Tim, Stan Lee (of Marvel Comics) called the Commissioner's Office and threatened a lawsuit, something about plagarism, yada, yada. I gave him your address and phone number, place of employment, names of your children and wife and your bank account numbers. He said that he would be contacting you soon.

Here's another set of numbers that may be of interest. If we were pitting the North against the South in head-to-head matchups, this is what we've got so far:

	North	South
Week 1	2	0
Week 2	2	0
Week 3	4	2
Week 4	1	1
Week 5	2	2
Week 6	1	3
Week 7	1	1
Total	13	9

So far Week 3 has been our only week of all North vs. South matchups. And notice who is victorious so far? Yeah, that's right! North wins again!

And just one more set of numbers for you to hem and haw over - average fantasy points per game. I'll let these speak for themselves:

Nashville Nimrods - 74.3
Homer's Heroes - 79.0
ChiTown Shysters - 85.9
Southern Molesters - 74.7
Happy Hopheads - 75.7
Sidehill Gougers - 74.4
Dallas Demons - 85.1
Belmont Boozers - 89.7
Brown County Blues - 60.3
Sunday Brew Crew - 81.0
Nonads - 77.4
Last But Not Least's - 77.3

The Commish asked me to find out how many points we were all leaving on the bench, but I have better things to do, like watching paint dry. So, that's all I've got on the numbers this week. I do have one sidenote, however. I've noticed that some of you (LBNL) have struggled with your grammar, making your smacktalk nearly incomprehensible (LBNL). If you don't understand the word "incomprehensible", get a freakin' dictionary and look it up! So the Commissioner's Office will be issuing some books to help the "less advanced" managers who struggle with putting two words together (LBNL). You can expect your copies in the mail soon.

Thanks, all, and have a great Sunday!

The Clowntown IQ

Albert Einstein arrived at a Clowntown Clan fantasy football party and introduced himself to the first person he saw, the manager of the Gougers, and asked, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answered "147."

"That is wonderful!," exclaimed Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduced himself to a man whose team was called the Boozers and asked, "What is your IQ?" To which the man answered, "144."

"That is great!," responded Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Eventually, Albert walked up to a man who managed the Heros and introduced himself, asking, "What is your IQ?" To which the man answered, "138."

"Fantastic!," responded Albert. "We can discuss the theories of relativity and gravitation. We will have much to discuss!"

Finally, Albert approached a person who managed the Last But Not Least's team and asked, "What is your IQ?" to which the man replied, "51."

Albert asked, "How 'bout them Giants?"

Week 7 Predictions

Week 7 Predictions

I had to go see that screwball Dr. Phil again this week. You’ll never guess who I bumped into on his way out of the good doctors office? Yup, you got it! The Molesters. He wouldn’t tell me what he was doing there but I can make a good guess. He did however tell me that this week he learned firsthand what a nimrod is. Anybody want to take a guess on that one? Being a man of scruples I wont go there. Yeah right! If you bought that one gimme a call because I have a great trade for ya.

Nirod: Derived from dillrod. Also a multi functional sex tool. Batteries not included. Molesters ditched his leatherman and now carries a nimrod on his belt. I am willing to bet that pervert Dr. Phil has a whole drawer full of ‘em too!

Mystery solved!



While I was at it I thought I would look up Nonad in the dictionary. Lookie what I found. I was not surprised at all.

Nonad: Completely lacking balls (nads). See attached visual aid.

Clasic Nonad

Anyway, the session had the typical frootloop, coo coo butt, nutcase BS. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through this crap. This guy is such a nut job!

He decided to focus on my exercise last week. He said my attempt to say nice things about all you folks was a complete disaster. I asked him if he was reading the same column. I mean common man! That was some good stuff! I am sure all of you were touched by my heart felt words. Weren’t you? Hell, it brought me to tears. As a matter of fact I still have a lump in my throat.

He told me I gotta try and do a better job. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. After last week I am all tapped out. That was some of my best stuff! If I were to talk to my wife like that she would know I was buttering her up in order to get laid. Well, I guess I’ll have to turn it up a notch because Dr. Phil told me that if I get thrown back in the pokey he has plenty of friends in there that would pay me a visit. I believe him too. That guy is a perv. I’ll bet you anything that he is a cross dresser too!

Anyway, I will do my best to flatter all of you this week. Do me a favor and sound off if I touch your heart.

On to the predictions…

First up…

Brew Crew Vrs LBNL:
If you go by avitars LBNL will be a no show. Common Pete, get a personality! Let’s see now. Drew Brees against Eli. No contest! Eli is back to his old self. He will be throwing interceptions all day. When are you gonna put in that stud Cutler? By the time you figure out who is the better QB your season will be toast Pete!
Neither of you will score over 10 points with all three of your WR’s combined so this is a draw. Good lord fellas! What are you thinking?
Brew Crew has the advantage in RB’s. Slaton and LT, WOW! This will decide the matchup. I’ll go right past the TE’s because both are a joke.
Despite what the Yahoo projections say I think Brew Crew has the better kicker too! Your kicker needs to be on a team that can move the football Pete.
The total D is an even match but LBNL has the upper hand with individual defensive players. Brew Crew, who the hell is Allen Rossum? Have you been licking the bottom of the still again?
Prediction: Brew Crew by 10
Now for the niceties: Brew Crew. Your avatar is so cute. I know you go with that little avatar because you are a Trojans fan but I don’t understand why you get so excited about condoms.
LBNL I figured out why you are going without an avatar this week. You’re an idiot and you know it so you decided not to hide it. I am so proud of you. You actually figured something out.
Now wasn’t that sweet?

The Shysters Vrs The Gougers:

Shysters look very tough! I have a feeling she is going to clean up on this one. That team looks solid. Mewelde Moore is the only scrub she has. Where do you find these guys anyway Anita? I mean common! Who the hell is this guy? Is he realy in the NFL or did you get your fantasy golf confused with fantasy football? It seems like each week you pick up some no name wannabe just to throw a mokeywrench in the works.

As for the Gougers, My Daddy always told me “if you got nothing good to say, don’t say nothing at all”. So...........

Prediction:
Shysters by 15
Let’s see now. What can I say nice about the Gougers? This is a tough one. Oh, I know! Gougers, if your good for nothing at least your team is good for a laugh! Trent Edwards? You’re killing me son!
Shysters, I saw your blog calling for e-mail replies. Just wanted to let you know that all the guys are not scared of real women. It’s just you girl! Aren’t you proud?

Nimrods Vrs The Boozers:

This one is easy. See bellow…

Prediction: Nimrods by 5
Lou, this one is in the bag so feel free to watch your Shirley temple movie today. Weenie!
Boozers, you sure have some wild drink concoctions! I guess that answers a few questions I had about you. PS: Love that team name!

Blues Vrs Nonads:
Here is your chance Pete! If you can’t beat this guy you are deserving to be on the bottom. Common Dude! You gotta pull this one off! You do have a hodge podge of a team but you can do it. Just to show you how much I want this for you I will not jinx it by Talking smack. I’ll leave all the talking to you.

Prediction: Blues by 2
Time to turn on the charm… Blues, it is refreshing to see that “the man” ignores the prayers of a preacher too. I thought it was just me.
Nonads, just think of it this way. After this week things can’t possibly get any worse!

Hopheads Vrs The Molesters:
Like the doctor said when I was born. This ones gonna get ugly! Hell, it already has! You guys got some scary shit saved on your hard drives. I’m still having nightmares from those avitars!

Manning Vrs Rogers. That’s a coin toss. Who will show up? Both these QB’s have been hard to call this year.
WR’s, Marshal, Hester and Bowe up against Harrison, Coles & Randle El. Another toss up.
RB’s, Gore & Johnson against Lynch & Dunn. Hmm? Could go either way. Not much unlike the Molesters, ‘eh? I’ll bet he goes both ways. FAG!
Winslow against Gates. Neither will score.
Two ho hum kickers, two solid D’s. I don’t know what to predict. For the first time in my illustrious career I am stumped.
Prediction: Our first tie of the year
Molesters is actually a pretty fart smeller. Err I mean smart feller. He takes that short bus to pick up chicks. That's his second choice. He usualy goes to family reunions for his stalking.
Hopheads Cheers to you. This was the first time I saw anybody get the Molesters to cry uncle. Good for you. You beat the Molesters at his own game. Congratulations you sick twisted pervert! You take the cake!

Homers Heros Vrs The Demons:
I am scared this week. No Romo! I am in real trouble. The Demons have Rivers who will have to make a lot of big pass plays since his defense can’t stop the opponent from scoring. He also has Regie Wayne and Lee Evans. Those two guys have real potential. He does have Crayton who is the one Cowboy receiver I wouldn’t have on my roster. That guy is all talk and no action.
I am afraid that Pittman and Rhodes will have good weeks as well.
Oh and damnit! He has Witten too! Crap now I am shaking in my boots!
Nick Folk will be racking up points too. Just thank God he has San Diego D this week. That’s a real brain fart Robert. Thank you, thank you!
Feel free to drop Demarcus Ware, ok Robert? You wouldn’t hurt my feelings.
I do have a bad feeling about this week but I’m still not picking you Robert because you’re an evil bastard! Threatening to put me on the short bus with the molesters wearing nothing but a fig leaf! How could you think of such a thing? You a mean, mean person!
Prediction: Homers Heros by 3
Now, what can I say to charm the devil himself? You sure are a lovely shade of red today Robert. What is that? Diaper rash red? Sure is fitting because your gonna get spanked today!

Best Smack Talk of the Week Award

It's been a long while since we've awarded the Best Smack Talk Award, but I think we can all agree that we have a winner. This week's award goes to Homer's Heroes for his crime fighting (or is it grime fighting?) saga documented on his matchup against the Dallas Demons. We were going to get this t-shirt for you to commemorate the occasion, but we're too damn cheap. Besides, we can't have you thinking that you're intelligent or worthy of praise. That would just be cruel! Great stuff, Tim!

Introducing: Lou Schafer

1. What is your name? And which team do you manage?
Hello, my name is Lou Schafer, and I'm an alco....wait, that's another group, isn't it? Okay, hello, my name is Lou Schafer, aka The Commissioner's wife's man around the house (who does all the odd jobs around here and talks to all the oddballs that call on the phone everyday....oh, wait, there's Bob calling now). I manage the Nashville Nimrods. For those of you that don't know, Nimrod was a Mesopotamian king, a disrespectful, mad tyrant who was responsible for building the Tower of Babel in the first city after the flood. He was the son of Cush, grandson of Ham, great-grandson of Noah (of ark fame); and his name means "a mighty one on the earth" and comes from the verb "let us revolt." So, from now on, you can just call me "The Mighty One."

2. What do you do for work?
Work?? I don't really work (hell, I don't even get out of my chair much these days, 'cept to go get a cup of coffee). But Anita and I do own our own business called GrantSelect (www.grantselect.com). Still, we both fail to see the importance of actually "working" for a living...the most difficult part of our day is deciding what to watch on TV.

3. What would you rather be doing?
Hmmm, this is a great question. I can actually think of a huge number of things I would rather be doing than sitting here, typing on the blog. In particular, I would like to be relaxing on a Czeers MK1 prototype solar speedboat out in the middle of Lake Pontchartrain, fishing and falling asleep...

4. How did you end up playing fantasy football with this bunch?
I actually started this whole crazy thing about five years ago when I had nothing better to do but drink (a lot of people have actually offered me big money to shut the operation down), and it has since gotten way the hell out of control. How I ended up with this assorted, maniacal, crazy-ass bunch, I can't quite say, but I have paid good money for a whole lot of therapy sessions because of it. All I know is, you're all my main source of entertainment and grief....

So what's the deal here?

I see that a couple of you have put up some info on the trading block. But when I've emailed you guys, and I've gotten NO RESPONSE. Not even a peep or an acknowledgement that my message was received. Hello? Is anyone there?? What's up? Are you too afraid to talk to a real live girl? Too used the blow-up dolls that you use for your weekend dates? C'mon guys, poop or get off the pot! Are you trading or not?!!

Wrap up

WRAP-UP TIME
with BOBO filling in for The Commissioner's Wife

Who cares. What's done is done. The best teams won. The worst teams lost. S0, get over it.
Can anybody tell that my team won this week

The coolest outcome of the week is the balance in the standings. Mirror images in the win loss columns. There is a term for that, you know. Like fords that spell the same backwards or forward. Like BOB, WOW, RADAR. Can't remember right now. Getting old - pickled brains.

This was also the first week when every losing team would have lost to every winning team. In other words all losers were really losers.

Still, we're only a third of the way through the season. Guess that means a slow and painful death for some of you.

Looking back at the first three weeks:

How are the Boozers undefeated? Bottom feeders, they still have to face the best teams in the league. Sort of like the Giants until they faced a real football team Monday night in Cleveland. Gooooo Brownies!

Next we have the Best team in the league. How did they ever lose to Homer and his sorry ass crew? Oh yeah, the commish suggested playing Favre instead of Rodgers with his hurt wing. Thanks for that commish. Can't believe I made the same mistake two weeks in a row.

In third place we round out the drinking trio with the Brew Crew. Do we see a trend here? In all fairness to the Shysters and Homer Butthead this is a three way tie, with Homer riding a three game winning streak. And might I point out it took the overpowering masterful play of the Hopheads to push Anita's team down into this cesspool of bad company.

Speaking of bad company, look who's hanging with the commisioner at 3-3 keeping the league in balance. The Dallas demons really torched Lou to drag him along here. Now that we all know what a Sidehill Gouger is but we're still wondering what a Nimrod is. One thing we know for sure is that we can't count either of these teams out of the playoffs, YET.

Another note of interest: The top six teams - three from the Northern (Old School) division, three from the Texas Trash division.

Speaking of Texas Trash. What an ugly group we have bunched up at 2-4. These girls must really like hanging out together. All talk and no game.

Finally we come to the marshmallow and the creampuff. You guys are an embarrasment to the Northern Warriors. You can do better than this. Get your acts together. Either that or just trade your best players to me.

Who’s Smarter Than a Giants Fan

A New York Giants fan was seated next to a little, eight-year-old girl on an airplane getting ready fly off to Dallas, where he intended to see a Monday night game between the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Giants. The stranger turned to the little girl and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that these flights go much quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Giants fan, “What would you like to talk about.” “Oh I don’t know,” said the Giants fan. “How about football?” “OK,” said the little girl, “that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat green grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. I've always wondered why that is. Why do you suppose that is?” The Giants fan thought about it and said, “Hmmmm, I have absolutely no idea.” To which the little girl replied: “Do you really feel qualified to discuss football when, apparently, you don’t know shit.”

Introducing: Tim Trame

What is my name and what team do I manage?
My name is Tim Trame. Brother of The Hopheads but let’s keep that one between us, OK? I manage Homers Heros but I think the word manage is a bit of a stretch.

What do I do for work?
I am Quality Control at the Coors Brewery. Oh wait, that is my dream job. What DO I do for work? LBNL, The Maulers, The Demons and Brew Crew ask me that same question every day. Maybe they could answer that one.

What would I rather be doing?
Busting chops! Never would have guessed that one would you?

How did I end up playing FF with this bunch?
My Bro conned me into it. Actually thought I would never get into it. Not unlike my predictions…wrong again!

Hobbies
Fishing, working on cars, tormenting friends and family. I am good at only one of those three. Wanna guess which one it is?

Favorite NFL Team
America’s team DA BOYS!
Also like Denver Broncos

Most hated NFL team
The Eagles and anyone else the Boys play. Arizona is on my radar big time today. Oh yeah…GIANTS SUCK!

Favorite current NFL player
Marion the Barbarian Barber

Favorite NFL player of all time
John Elway

Remember this?

Even though we've broken the ice with each other, there are still some managers that we haven't heard from and haven't really "met" yet. So I'll make this simple for everyone. (Apparently simple is the way to go with this bunch.) Rather than writing a few sentences about yourselves in order to give an introduction, answer the following simple questions:

1. What is your name? And which team do you manage?
2. What do you do for work?
3. What would you rather be doing?
4. How did you end up playing fantasy football with this bunch?

Now if you still can't find the words to fill in the answers, then I'll have a good understanding of your education level and your mental acuity. Don't worry, your identity won't be compromised, no one will stalk you (much), and no one will think too badly of you (yeah, right). So belly up to the keyboard, and type the shortened version of your life story.

(If you need help posting to the blog, read the "How do I post to my blog?" tutorial. To start the process, click here to go to the posting screen.)

WEEK 6 PREDICTIONS

WEEK 6 PREDICTIONS

I had to go see Dr, Phil this week. Judge Judy figured he could handle me. Oh boy, that was an experience (sarcasm). Let me define that for LBNL. English to LBNL definition. Sarcasm: Being a smart ass.

I’ll tell you what…Dr. Phil is such a fag. This guy has some of the dumbest advice I ever heard. He tells me that when I get upset with someone I should count to 10 before I speak. Now why would I want to delay the inevitable? Would it sound any nicer if I waited 10 seconds to thrash a fool? Is there really any chance that someone would be any less of a dumb ass if I thought about it for 10 seconds? Think not! Would I actually change my mind if I waited 10 seconds? Yeah, right! (sarcasm again LBNL) Sorry about that folks but you need to spell these things out for LBNL. He aint the brightest bulb on the tree you know.
Then this clown tells me that he masturbates every night to alleviate his frustration. Now I don’t know what the hell alleviate means but I can tell you that I would be real frustrated too if I had to jerk my chicken every night. Alleviate? Doesn’t that mean make a mess in your drawers? God what a queer! I told him to keep that one to himself. Then I realized that is exactly what he is doing…keeping it to himself. HMM, didn’t think of that at first. I think he is on to something. Maybe that 10 second thing could have worked there. I think I’ll have to give it a shot.
Next he asks me to think of something nice to say about all my opponents… Ok
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Nope, didn’t work. Need a whole lot more time for that one. Gonna have to break out a calendar to pull that one off.
Then he suggests that I need to love myself.
I had to hit him upside the head for that one. I already told him that I aint gonna spank the monkey. God that guy his thick headed! What is with his obsession with that crap anyway? Do all shrinks think that torquin the twinkee is the answer to everything? Can you answer that Molesters? I just know you have had to see plenty of these goobers in your time.
The next thing this friggin moron tells me is that when someone frustrates me I should give them a big hug and tell them that I love ‘em. Huh? Now what kind of stupid crap is that? Could you picture me doing that? Think not!
Well the session ended there and Dr. Phil holds out his hand to shake and say good bye. I tell him “no way dude, you already told me what you do with that hand every night. Go shake yourself!” I also told him that I am bringing my tail gating chair to sit in for next week session because the leather on his couch looks like he has been using his spunk as a conditioner.
I guess I shouldn’t have said that last one because as a result he decided to give me an exercise for this weeks predictions. He told me that in this weeks predictions I had to say at least one good thing about each opponent. He also said that if I didn’t do it he would report me to Judge Judy and I would get thrown in the pokey for not following the conditions she laid down.

On to the predictions!


Can you folks believe it is week 6 already? The season is going by so fast. Speaking of unbelievable this reminds me of the first matchup I want to predict….

Boozers VRS Nonads:
I can’t believe the Boozers are undefeated. Even more amazing is the fact that he has no QB this week and is still projected to beat his opponent by 14 points! How do you do it Boozers? Tell me your secret. Did you sell your soul to the fantasy football Gods? Are you banging the big wigs at Yahoo? Did you give up your first born? Do you spike your opponents drinks? Or is it just plain old fashion dumb luck? I mean common man! Look at your team! Hasselback for a QB? My daughter can throw a better ball. My dog could blow a fart farther than he can throw the ball. Hell, my Grandma could punt him in the ass for more yardage! Jennings…your just plain lucky with him. That wont last because his QB Rogers is a wanna be. Torry Holt? Oh common! How can you be undefeated with that sad sack on your team? Forte? Give me a break! Carlson for a TE? Yeah right! OK, OK you have Portis and Fitzgerald but how can you put up all those points with only 2 studs? I just don’t get it. I don’t know about the rest of you but I smell something funny and it aint one of Nimrods pumpkin farts.
I’m looking at this matchup and I say to myself that this is a pure example of the Yahoo projections gone awry. Just aint happening. The buzzards are circling you this week Boozers cause your getting your first loss. Dead meat brother! Dead meat!
Not that I think the Nonads are all that but I see some real good matchups that should bring him enough points. Santana Moss will rack ‘em up against lowly St. Louis. His San Diego kicker will be busier than a 4 legged man in a butt kicking contest. McNabb will score big time against San Fran. Both his DL’s will score more than most WR’s this week.
Prediction: Nonads by 4
Oh yeah, gotta say something nice about each of these clowns. Boozers I still love your team name so don’t feel too hurt bud. Nonads… uh, how’s it hanging? Hmm, that might not work. Let’s see now.. Oh I got it, Nonads, at least you don’t have to waste money on a cup!

Brew Crew VRS The Blues:
All I got to say here is it sucks to be you Brew Crew. Your gonna hand the Blues their first win and your gonna catch all kinds of hell for that. We’re gonna be all over you like stink on crap when this one is over. And guess what? He is gonna do it with everybody else’s scraps! Brown, Bryant and Welker were all good pickups. Good job preacher! I see you have been saying your prayers. Blues is short a TE and still projected to kick your butt Chris. How embarrassing! In addition I think he has a couple players on the bench at the moment that he is waiting to put in as a surprise for you. You might as well have just held on to all of your coveted Bills defense because your new pick ups aint gonna help you dude. I mean look at ‘em. What were you thinking? Did you and the Boozers tie on a good one before you made those changes? Vrabel? Eh? Ian Scott? Are you serious? Hobbs? OK now I know you’re a nut!
Prediction: Blues by 5
Oops, almost forgot the coo coo butt crap.
Brew Crew, your team name only comes in second place to the Boozers and your avatar is no longer the #1 gay avatar. Molesters took that # 1 spot. How’s that Dr. Phil? A two for one!
Blues, nice job picking up every body else’s scraps. Sure hope it works for you cause nothing else has so far.


Molesters (alias Maulers) VRS Last but not Leasts:
Here we have the wit brothers playing each other. Dim & Dip. This will prove to be entertaining. (Sarcasm again LBNL)
LBNL, are you really going with Eli over Cutler? And Braylon Edwards in your line up too? You are a bubble short of being level aren’t you? This will be your downfall this week bub. Sure hope you enjoyed Jacobs performance last week because he aint doing it again!
I see the Molesters picked up Devin Hester. I think that is a good pick up this week. I guess this week Bush wont do anything since Molesters has him in the line up. This will be the week Edgerrin James will put up some numbers. Give it up Gabe. You can’t win this one. You will always have the high scoring RB on the bench and the bum on your roster. Don’t worry too much though. It wont be enough to cause you to loose this one because PETE SUCKS!
Do us all a favor Gabe. Ditch that avatar dude. It is disturbing!

Prediction: Molesters by 7
Now here is a challenge. Something nice to say about these two screwballs. Let’s see… LBNL, you’re a dumb ass but I love you!
Molesters, With this win you will only be the second from suckiest team. And you will be sharing that spot with LBNL.


Nimrods VRS Demons:
I think this one is going to be closer than the projections show. Warner is over rated for his match up. My Boys will not let him rack up the TD’s. On the other side I think Rivers will come close to 20 fan points. Wayne and TO are even matches so is Randel El & Burress but Nimrods have a big disadvantage with Engram. That is where the advantages stop for the Demons because Nimrods have Brown & Williams for RB’s. Those guys will get at least 3 touchdowns combined.Don’t get me wrong Robert. I love Felix Jones but I think Barber will get the workload tomorrow. He better. I have him. Nimrods also have defensive players that will rack ‘em up if they play. If they don’t then Demons have a better chance.

Prediction:Nimrods by 4
Time to be nice, Nimrods, nice cheeks! Bet your wife aint too impressed with ‘em though. Demons, your smack talk is classic. Keep it coming, it is more entertaining than your team!

Shysters VRS Hopheads:
Shysters, I see you put Huz You Mamma on the trading block. What, no faith? Don’t blame you. Last week he scored more than he will the rest of the year combined. That bum just got lucky last week. Stuckey? I smell desperation there. Luckily you have Moss and the only player on the Browns that knows how to score (Lewis). Baltimore is a real good defense to have this week. They will keep Indy under 10 points and should get a couple turn overs.
Hopheads has the Shysters beat at the QB position and I think he will double dip with Coles taking passes from Brett but that is it. Bobo, do you really think you can afford to leave a spot empty this week? Your gonna need all the help you can get if you want a chance against the black widow.


Prediction: Shysters by 3
Let me sprinkle some sugar on these two sour pusses.
Shysters, you sure can pick ‘em in football. Too bad the same can’t be said in you choice of men. I mean common! Look at you old man’s ass! Pumpkin butt?
Hopheads, you sure were a gracious looser last week. Guess your getting in practice because it’s all downhill for you from here on out!

Homers Heros VRS The Gougers:
I need to watch out for these Gougers. They are like a girly fart. Silent but deadly and you never know where it came from. I’ll watch out but I aint scared.
Marian the Vegetarian? Are YOU KIDDING ME Football Widow? This dude is a brute! Marion will be back at it this week. He will wreck that Arizona D this week. And Romo will have the game of the year tomorrow!
I can’t believe my opponent picked up big Gus. What a waste! And Roy Williams? You couldn’t pay me to put a Lions player on my roster this year. The only thing you got going for you Gougers is that Minn. defense, Driver and Petterson.


Prediction: Homers Heros by 4
Gougers your avatar is not the most queer one but don’t bend over to change a tire because the Molesters will give you a lugnut. He’s taken a shine to you.

Week 5 Wrap Up

Hello, everyone! We had a volunteer to take over the weekly reviews, but Pete (Brown County Blues) has been rather busy officiating weddings and such. Just to be fair, I'll include the article that he sent to me as part of this week's wrap up:

When old fellas like Kurt score other white hairs benefit. They don't jump up and down, they just smile and pump their arms and continue tweaking their team and help friends endure defeet. It also helps when Gougers turn into gentlemen and put up a bunch of zeroes.

This game usually hinges on two or three players but which two or three is the game. The 4 H's Hopheads & Homer's Crew are prime example, No surprise from Tony, but why do WR's score no points ( that's what i would like to know, as my father-in-law said while beating me 17 to 4 in horses, four points ain't nothin.

When the Maulers get mauled you know Chicago town is involed but so is the good WR's. Mrs. Commish sent the better team to the line and they lined up and tookem down the line. The Boozers woke up so I will project: Calling this in early, although the breezes could blow off the Gulf and rain on this projection. But it almost kick off time. She will be in top three of our league, just needs more points to be one. With no defensive back it appears there will be no interception of the Bo0zers win and staying atop the heap of Clowns.

Nonads keep it up and they will join the Blues, The Demons averaged out about 8 points a player. Why isn't the badder the name the hight up the league?

Some moments are longer than you think, I had hoped mine to be just another day or two, looks like another week or two as Last is in sight. My hope is my oppenent named themselves right and my time is coming. least. Plus I did not keep faith with Eli, I had him a couple years when he was up and down, not up as now.

Can't really cry the blues when I see my friends and others I don't know get so much pleasure out of feeling better off because they guessed better than others. I find it so reassuring. Sure is fun to laugh and cheer for a player on both teams or to feel like a turn coat when your favorte team looses and your fantasy team benefits.
Football kicks, punts and passes
Hot dogs, beer and cheeses gasses
so on sunday afternoon, stay seated until the room
Clears then run to the frig and get more
Hot dogs, beer and cheese
If you please.
Pete the Imposter/ Prognoster

Thanks, Pete!

In college football, there's this idea that if you pitted the mascots of each team against each other, you should be able to determine the winner based on who has the stronger mascot. If we apply that theory to fantasy football, specifically our league, how would it all shake out?

Nashville Nimrods vs. Sidehill Gougers
Thanks to the Commish's insightful article on what on God's green earth a sidehill gouger is, we now have a better understanding of what we are comparing here. If you pitted a nimrod up against a sidehill gouger, which would win? In this case, the Nimrods were successful, and without a single peep from the Gougers. (C'mon Clark, we know you've got it in you!) I've heard some odd noises on our hills on our property, and I've tried to convince my daughter that it's the errant sidehill gougers tumbling down the hill. Yeah, I know. She gave me the same look, too. I also tried to convince her that snipe hunting is an actual sport, but I think she's catching on. Gougers, you almost had the Commish on the ropes with that Minnesota DEF. They may have given up some points to New Orleans, but they got a lot of them back by being a very active and aggressive defense.

Homer's Heroes vs. Happy Hopheads
The Barley Bros. Bowl always promises to be a close game, no matter what the projections say. It also usually yields some of the best smacktalk, but I guess Hopper is too busy... hopping? Well, whatever the reason, both teams got rather mediocre performances from most of their players. Marion the Barbarian seems to have turned into a vegetarian because he ain't carryin' ... bupkus! (Hey, that was harder than it looked! What the hell rhymes with 'barbarian'??) The Trames didn't yield the lowest points of the week, but they were both 20-30 points short of their projections. Hmmm... coming up short again, huh....

Dallas Demons vs. Nonads
Ugh. This was the closest thing to a slaughter for this week. Nonads, it's time to wake up and smell the brimstone. The Demons smoked your ass, and you need to make sure that doesn't ever happen again! I mean, come on! Calvin Johnson??! My cat can catch more passes than he can! And McNabb's points will ebb and flow with the tide, so time to think about some overhauling. Demons, you're still scaring me, and not with the whole demons thing but with the whole messed-up-in-the-head-and-not-taking-my-meds thing. Though I will have to admit your team did a good job in getting you 94 points for the week. Too bad that Rivers is a pinhead!

Belmont Boozers vs. Sunday Brew Crew
This seemed more like the matchup of brothers-in-arms rather than a hostile clash. I mean, look at it - the Boozers and the Brew Crew. Do you see the theme here? We were all hoping that the Brew Crew could stop the undefeated Boozers, but no such luck. In spite of 0 points from Hasselbeck, the Boozers still scored over 100 points! He got double-digit numbers from 7 of his players. How does he do it? Is he out there bribing them with cases of top-shelf hooch? Brew Crew, your loyalty to the Buffalos is... is... great for the rest of us! And you thought you could get away with not putting in a DB and playing one man short. Doesn't it suck when your ego gets in your way?!

Brown County Blues vs. LBNLs
Pete, Pete, Pete. Oh, I meant Brown County Pete. We were all rootin' for you, and you got most of the votes in the league. But you let the Giants fan get past you. Even the dogs are singing the blues now! You had a chance because most of his venom was directed at Homer's Heroes and he was distracted. But that didn't help. Time for a new strategy, maybe a good overhaul. I see that you've started the process. LBNLs - have you picked your winning avatar yet? All of the entries have been pretty good so far. If anyone else has any suggestions to submit, please do so. LBNLs needs all the help he can get!

Southern Maulers vs. ChiTown Shysters
Whew! I'm glad that I caught the Maulers before he started his life-altering transformation into the Molesters. I caught a little grief for Houshmandzadeh, and I was worried about him, too. Woooohooooo, houz-your-mama now, Bubba! Maulers, it looks like you might get some more better performances from Peyton Manning, but he's still looking a little skittish in the pocket while under a minimal amount of pressure. I'd keep a good backup QB on hand if I were you. You almost had me with Antoine Winfield, but I'm sending out the knee-breakers so that he won't cause me problems again.

That's all for now. Good luck, everyone!

Tough Advice for Clowntown Owners

Okay, it's getting closer to mid-season, and it's time that we of the Clowntown Clan all face the inevitable truth: there are some NFL players that should be downgraded, traded, and even dumped (since their untimely demise is inevitable). With that in mind, it's time to name names, and here are a few of the most popular players who are on my personal "hit list."

Philip Rivers and his high powered offense face New England this week. Normally I would not rank Rivers low on the QB scale (especially this season) with his performance over the first three weeks, but his past vs. New England is nothing to write home about. Sure Rivers has thrown some TDs against the NE defense, but he also tends to toss as many (if not more) interceptions. Let's put it this way: San Diego in general has faltered vs. New England and I would not put too much credit towards Rivers this week Demons. He struggled against Oakland last week and I think he will see a tough defensive force in Week 6.

Willis McGahee did score a TD in his Week 3 game, which was crappy for the Gougers (who had him riding the splinters), but what does it really tell us? McGahee is an injury prone back who has Le'Ron McClain poised to jump at any opportunity to take his job and shove it. The ground game in Baltimore appears to be by committee, so McGahee will be limited in his fantasy capacity if his carries are reduced. McClain is a power back and has been productive. Until McGahee steps up his game (as he has the potential and talent to do), he is a bust for Clark.

Reggie "bush league" Bush--the Vikings special teams coordinator must be on the hot seat this week after the electrifying 2nd year speed demon out of USC returned two punts for TDs on Monday night. Despite his production on special teams, however, Bush is averaging less than three yards per carry over the last two games. The Saints offensive line is struggling and the re-emergence of Deuce McAllister will limit any goal line production. With Marques Colston and Jeremy Shockey likely to return from injury in the next week or so, the Maulers (aka Molesters) should be aware that his receptions will see a drastic decline. Bush is terribly overvalued (always has been, always will be, for that matter).

Michael "the burner" Turner seems to be setting a disturbing trend. He is highly productive vs. mid-to-low level defenses, but totally ineffective when he faces strong defenses that attack the ground game -- namely Tampa Bay and Carolina so far. In Week 6 he will be up against the mean, lean Chicago defense that will shut him down and ruin the Brew Crew's week if this trend continues. There is always the chance that Turner will extend his playing to the level of potential that the Crew is banking on. Reluctantly, I have to say that he might not be the best choice this week.

Larry Johnson has been really hot and cold all season and this is a trend that will continue all year based on the weak offensive line and poor QB play. The Chiefs are on a bye Week 6 and the Nonads may also want to bench LJ in Week 7 against the Titans. In week 5, Johnson was held to just two yards on seven carries by the tough Panthers front. His Week 4 explosion against Denver (198 yards, 2TDs) was more of an "oops" than the norm, since the Broncos have been prone to giving up big plays all year. One positive is that LJ faces the Broncos again in week 14 (first week of our fantasy playoffs). The 28 year old Penn State product is a top notch work horse playing in one of the worst offensive situations in the NFL as the Chiefs are averaging only 13 points a game. Based on the severely limited offense surrounding him, Johnson will be the focal point of all defenses he faces, making him more of a week to week match-up play for the Nonads.

Brian Westbrook--a consensus top 3 pick in the preseason, it's the same old song and dance as B-west could be slowly becoming the next Fragile Fred. Westbrook suffered fractured ribs in the Week 5 game versus Washington and appears to be a game time decision for this week's match-up at San Francisco. He also missed the week 4 game against Chicago with a sprained ankle. The Eagles have a bye in Week 7, so it might wise for the Boozers to give Westbrook two weeks to rest. When healthy he's a fantasy stud, but now might be the time to target an alternative before Westbrook's value plummets if he misses considerable time -- depending on the severity of the rib injury. The Eagles may regret investing $21 million over three years on their often injured 29 year old running back, and I'm guessing that the Boozers already have an alternative stashed away...but if he doesn't, he should run like a man on fire to the waiver wire and pray someone - antone - is still available.

Amani "zoomer" Toomer--with Plaxico Burress suspended for the week 5 matchup against the Bengals, the Blues might have been salivating at the chance for 100 yards and a TD. Instead, Domenik Hixon and Sinorice Moss turned in huge efforts with each reaching the end zone. Although Toomer leads the team with 31 targets, the production has been average (about 60 yards per week for the past three games). The 34 yard old WR is as steady as they come, but the Giants are a run first team with the three headed monster of Jacobs, Ward, and Bradshaw. The Giants defense has also been spectacular, so far only allowing an average of 12 points per game -- which has limited the need for the Giants to throw the ball excessively in the 2nd half. Toomer is at best a last option at this point and unless Plax gets another suspension, he should be on the bench most weeks unless the Blues are in a very deep heap of crap (which they seem to be).

John Carlson--at 6'6" and 255 lbs, this rookie out of Notre Dame seems to present a great defensive mismatch for most defenses. However, his production is likely to decline dramatically now that the Seahawks are getting healthy at receiver. Bobby Engram and Deion Branch returned to the lineup in week 5 versus the Giants, which will severely limit the potential targets going forward for Carlson (held without a catch on Sunday against the Giants). Unless the injury bug hits the Seattle WR corps again, the Boozers should understand that Carlson will likely be no better than a BYE week fill in.

And there you have it....some honest skinny from the Commish (who doesn't always get it right, but always makes it interesting). Here's hoping I'm way off target and you all beat the hell out of each other.

A Voice in the Darkness

As the Seven Dwarfs were marching gallantly through the cold and damp forest one day, they suddenly fell into a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along behind, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs, "Is everyone alright down there?"
"No, we can't see each other, somebody has broken a leg, and one of us is either missing or dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," gasped Snow White. "Well, try not to lose hope. I'll go for help."
"Please hurry," shouted one of the dwarfs, "it's very frightening down here."
"I understand," shouted Snow White, "I'll rush."
From the depths of the dark hole a voice begged, "Come back quickly. We don't want to miss seeing the Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's still alive!"

Week 5 Predictions

Week 5 Predictions

Well folks, bad news. I found out that they have been monitoring our league. Judge Judy threw me in the clink for a few days and slapped me with a stiff fine. After seeing some of the smack talk from LBNL she charged me with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I tried to explain that this guy is a grown man but she didn’t buy it. She said anybody that couldn’t figure out how to make a real avatar and that put such a sorry ass team together had to be a minor and if they weren’t a minor they must be a retard. The way she saw it I was perverting someone with the brain of an infant so I had no appeal.
The worst part of it is now she assigned a censor to my predictions. From now on they are going to edit out anything I write that they find offensive. I sure hope they don’t butcher it up too bad. I’ll try real hard to keep it in good taste this week.

On to the predictions…

Demons VRS Nonads:
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Prediction: Nonads by 5

Nimrods VRS Gougers:
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Prediction: Gougers by 8

Boozers Vrs Brew Crew:
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Prediction: Brew Crew by 1
By the way Boozers, have I mentioned that I just love that team name?

Brown County Blues VRS Last but Not Leasts:
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Prediction: The Blues by 3


Shysters VRS Maulers:
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Prediction: Maulers by 10

Homers Heros VRS Hopheads:
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Prediction: Homers Heros by 7
PS BobXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX