New York Giants owner, John Mara, vowed at his father's funeral that he would put together another great Giants team for 2009. Knowing that Eli Manning was washed up, he realized that the only thing missing was a great quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and universities, and even the high schools across America, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, Mara saw a war zone in Afghanistan. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-blooey! A car passed by going 90 miles an hour -- bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Mara said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Giants went on to win the SuperBowl. The young Afghan is lionized and idolized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXXI, and when Mara asks him what he wants, all the young man wanted to do was to call his mother on the phone.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman said in return. "You deserted us. You're not my son anymore."
"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleaded. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the whole, wide world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans, all screaming my name."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implored. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.... I can never forgive you for making us move to New York City...."
Dec 13, 2008
Dec 10, 2008
Week 15 Predictions
WEEK 15 PREDICTIONS
Well good old Goodell is at it again. Today he announced that the league is cutting more than 10% of it’s staff in response to the downturn in the nations economy. Aw common Roger! The NFL is the richest sport in all of the NFL. Good one Timmy! All of the NFL? What a dufous. Let me try that one again…The NFL is the richest pro sports league on the planet! Is that better folks? That college educated idiot Goodell throws me for such a loop it gets me all screwed up sometimes! Pardon my goof!
Old Roger the dodger says that the downturn in the economy may (let me reemphasize MAY) result in a slump in ticket sales and viewership. Now isn’t that about the dumbest thing you ever heard? God I would just love to slap the shit out of this idiot!
First off Roger, you priced the average Joe out of ticket sales a long time ago! Once you started the trend of requiring season ticket holders to buy a seating license, every working stiff in the country had to give up their season tickets or sell their house. Of course looking back, buying season tickets may have been a more wise investment than buying into the “American dream”! Those damn tickets are probably worth 5X the average house value today! Hell half the family owned businesses had to follow suit as well. I do not know of one local small business that holds season tickets today. The only ones that can afford season tickets now days are all the big oil companies, bailed out banks, crooked politicians, ex-NFL players and movie stars. If you’re truly worried about ticket sales why don’t you price them in a range that WE, THE REAL FANS can afford? You can make up the difference by paying all your cronies a real mans wage instead of the millions your choice few make. While you’re at it you can do like every other honest business does and set wage standards guidelines so the players contracts no longer reflect the GNP of a small country!
Second: viewership may slump with the downturn in the economy? Are you nuts? Where did you come up with that one Einstein? Yeah I can see it now…unemployment jumps to 20% and all of the sudden all the poor stiffs that get a pink slip suddenly quit watching football on TV. What a dumb ass! You went to college to figure that one out? What class was that? Head up the ass 101? Sure they may all dump your friggin NFL Network but they sure as hell aint gonna quit watching the games over the airwaves. You friggin moron Roger! These poor saps wont be able to afford and sure as hell aint gonna have anything else to do BUT watch football on the tube. Just how the hell did you get that job anyway Roger? As the saying goes, it’s not who you know but who you blow. Yeah Roger, you blow alright!
Third: Just how much money do you plan on saving? We all know how this works. Your gonna lay off 150 workers that make 40 to 50 grand a year (which by the way are the only ones doing the real work) then at the end of the year your gonna give yourself a bonus equal to 10X their combined wages for your “brilliance”! Don’t bullshit a bullshitter Roger! We read the papers every day. We know how this works. Obviously you don’t. So let me take a brief moment to explain this one to you, you dingleberry. I can tell you exactly how this is going to work out. Your gonna lay off the 150 or so workers that actually do their job and make the NFL worth watching. At the same time you and your cronies are gonna give yourselves raises and big bonuses for your “all so wise” cost cutting. In the mean time the quality of your product will diminish. Your viewership will the certainly drop like a rock. The following week you’re on a private jet racing to beat the Big Three to Washington to ask for a bail out! The government is more than happy to get in the middle of it all. We then have the newly found OFL (Obama Football League) compromised of the DFL & RFL (Dems & Republicans) which is refereed by the Liberals (who eliminate playoffs, wins and losses because they believe it would be nicer if everybody was a winner), oversight is provided by congress (God help us all!) and it is all funded by money borrowed from China and OPEC. Viewership plummets to nil. All the disgruntled ranks of laid off workers raise up in protest and the country explodes into civil war! Don’t think it won’t happen either. Our ancestors rose up in defiance over a friggin tea tax! We’re talking football! American football dick head! You ever see the Philly fans? Been to a Browns game lately. Do you have a clue just how out of control a pissed off football fan can get Bubba? Your plan is just so brilliant Roger! Just friggin brilliant! Your Mother would be so proud. NOT!
On to the predictions…
Well good old Goodell is at it again. Today he announced that the league is cutting more than 10% of it’s staff in response to the downturn in the nations economy. Aw common Roger! The NFL is the richest sport in all of the NFL. Good one Timmy! All of the NFL? What a dufous. Let me try that one again…The NFL is the richest pro sports league on the planet! Is that better folks? That college educated idiot Goodell throws me for such a loop it gets me all screwed up sometimes! Pardon my goof!
Old Roger the dodger says that the downturn in the economy may (let me reemphasize MAY) result in a slump in ticket sales and viewership. Now isn’t that about the dumbest thing you ever heard? God I would just love to slap the shit out of this idiot!
First off Roger, you priced the average Joe out of ticket sales a long time ago! Once you started the trend of requiring season ticket holders to buy a seating license, every working stiff in the country had to give up their season tickets or sell their house. Of course looking back, buying season tickets may have been a more wise investment than buying into the “American dream”! Those damn tickets are probably worth 5X the average house value today! Hell half the family owned businesses had to follow suit as well. I do not know of one local small business that holds season tickets today. The only ones that can afford season tickets now days are all the big oil companies, bailed out banks, crooked politicians, ex-NFL players and movie stars. If you’re truly worried about ticket sales why don’t you price them in a range that WE, THE REAL FANS can afford? You can make up the difference by paying all your cronies a real mans wage instead of the millions your choice few make. While you’re at it you can do like every other honest business does and set wage standards guidelines so the players contracts no longer reflect the GNP of a small country!
Second: viewership may slump with the downturn in the economy? Are you nuts? Where did you come up with that one Einstein? Yeah I can see it now…unemployment jumps to 20% and all of the sudden all the poor stiffs that get a pink slip suddenly quit watching football on TV. What a dumb ass! You went to college to figure that one out? What class was that? Head up the ass 101? Sure they may all dump your friggin NFL Network but they sure as hell aint gonna quit watching the games over the airwaves. You friggin moron Roger! These poor saps wont be able to afford and sure as hell aint gonna have anything else to do BUT watch football on the tube. Just how the hell did you get that job anyway Roger? As the saying goes, it’s not who you know but who you blow. Yeah Roger, you blow alright!
Third: Just how much money do you plan on saving? We all know how this works. Your gonna lay off 150 workers that make 40 to 50 grand a year (which by the way are the only ones doing the real work) then at the end of the year your gonna give yourself a bonus equal to 10X their combined wages for your “brilliance”! Don’t bullshit a bullshitter Roger! We read the papers every day. We know how this works. Obviously you don’t. So let me take a brief moment to explain this one to you, you dingleberry. I can tell you exactly how this is going to work out. Your gonna lay off the 150 or so workers that actually do their job and make the NFL worth watching. At the same time you and your cronies are gonna give yourselves raises and big bonuses for your “all so wise” cost cutting. In the mean time the quality of your product will diminish. Your viewership will the certainly drop like a rock. The following week you’re on a private jet racing to beat the Big Three to Washington to ask for a bail out! The government is more than happy to get in the middle of it all. We then have the newly found OFL (Obama Football League) compromised of the DFL & RFL (Dems & Republicans) which is refereed by the Liberals (who eliminate playoffs, wins and losses because they believe it would be nicer if everybody was a winner), oversight is provided by congress (God help us all!) and it is all funded by money borrowed from China and OPEC. Viewership plummets to nil. All the disgruntled ranks of laid off workers raise up in protest and the country explodes into civil war! Don’t think it won’t happen either. Our ancestors rose up in defiance over a friggin tea tax! We’re talking football! American football dick head! You ever see the Philly fans? Been to a Browns game lately. Do you have a clue just how out of control a pissed off football fan can get Bubba? Your plan is just so brilliant Roger! Just friggin brilliant! Your Mother would be so proud. NOT!
On to the predictions…
First
off, congratulations to all of you that survived the first week of playoffs. I still can’t believe the Texas Connection got blown out of the playoffs in such a bold fashion. I thought for sure one of us would have made it to the finals. Oh the shame, the shame of it all!
off, congratulations to all of you that survived the first week of playoffs. I still can’t believe the Texas Connection got blown out of the playoffs in such a bold fashion. I thought for sure one of us would have made it to the finals. Oh the shame, the shame of it all!One observation. Actually it is an opinion. I think the league screwed up the playoff matchups. This week if the final match ups were switched up we could have a hell of a finish. We would whitness a good old family feud and a drunken brawl side by side. Now wouldn’t that be something fun to watch? Instead we are going to see one major smack down and one of the lowest combined playoff total point games in all of fantasy football. I think it would have been so much more fun to watch Lou and Anita get into pissing match and see two drunkards piddle all over each other. Just the oppinion of a guy that would show up to a MAD mothers rally driving drunk in a fully loaded beer truck with a free samples sign just to enjoy the fireworks.
Shysters VRS Boozers:
Shysters, you’re in big trouble. The Boozers did in fact cure the curse of the bling. His team is just too strong. His matchups are too favorable. You don’t have a prayer girl. I’m willing to bet he has 4 or positions that score in double digits. Not only is he going to stomp you this week but he is going to go on to win it all! Boozers will get the trophy, the money and he gets my vote for team name of the year!
Prediction:
Boozers by 14
Nimrods VRS Hopheads:
Aint this one a kick in the head folks? Just how did you two get this far any way? You got me on this one. I am stumped! Nimrods. No Hopheads. No, Nimrods. Wait, I changed my mind again! Hoppy! Screw it! I’m tossing a coin! It came up tails! Tails it is! That means that Hoppy get’s the call because by all rights he should be at the tail end of the league with his crappy lineup!
Good luck folks!
Shysters VRS Boozers:
Shysters, you’re in big trouble. The Boozers did in fact cure the curse of the bling. His team is just too strong. His matchups are too favorable. You don’t have a prayer girl. I’m willing to bet he has 4 or positions that score in double digits. Not only is he going to stomp you this week but he is going to go on to win it all! Boozers will get the trophy, the money and he gets my vote for team name of the year!
Prediction:
Boozers by 14
Nimrods VRS Hopheads:
Aint this one a kick in the head folks? Just how did you two get this far any way? You got me on this one. I am stumped! Nimrods. No Hopheads. No, Nimrods. Wait, I changed my mind again! Hoppy! Screw it! I’m tossing a coin! It came up tails! Tails it is! That means that Hoppy get’s the call because by all rights he should be at the tail end of the league with his crappy lineup!
Good luck folks!
Dec 8, 2008
NFL Justice?
What is NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's idea of justice today? And what will it be tomorrow? Kevin Hench is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com, and his article titled Sundays of our Lives: Justice is swerved brings up some interesting and compelling points about how Goodell's brand of justice is inconsistent and arbitrary. To read the full article, go to http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8896882.
Dec 6, 2008
Predictions for week 1 of playoffs
PLAY OFF WEEK 1 PREDICTIONS
Holy crap! Play offs already? Where did this year go? A better question is how the hell did half these Managers make it into the play offs? I mean common! The Hopheads, LBNL & my Heros haven’t even broke 1,000 total points yet! As a matter of fact, between these three teams only one team scored over 100 points in one game. I won’t say who that was because his head may grow bigger than a melon and I’ll never hear the end of it. Then you look at the Molesters who had a heartbreak of a loss in week 13 to the Nonads which knocked him out of the playoffs. Molesters is the one odd man out that did break 1000 points in our regular season. The shame of it all.
So just how did each team make it into the playoffs? Let’s see now….
In first place is the Boozers who ruled most all year. He is legit even though he tanked 4 in a row at the end of the season. Curse of the bling Dude! Curse of the bling! I know you think you foiled the curse last week Boozers but we all know it was a fluke.
In second place is the Hopheads. I think the Potheads is more like it when you look at his lineup. Just how the hell did he finish 9-4? I don’t get it. If any of you have that one figured out feel free to chime in because I am clueless! Let’s just call this one what it is…sloppy seconds!
Hopheads VRS LBNL:
Oh boy this is an exciting matchup! Not! That is sarcasm LBNL. Let me put it in terms you can understand. I’m blowing smoke up you butt!
This matchup has some stupid projections also. Arron Rodgers projected at 18! Aw give me a break! I know they are up against Houston but 18? Common! There is no way. I’ll bet he just barely gets 10!
This matchup is not a question of who will win it. It is a question of who will suck worse! Now if you go by the history of these two teams this season we have LBNL who has been real good at tanking the ones he should win and Hoppy has been real lucky at getting teams on their worst week. But this is the playoffs and I see the tide turning on that.
Prediction: LBNL by 5
The Shysters VRS my Heros:
I have a real good feeling that my Cowboys are going to show up big time and put the hurt on the Stealers. Romo will out score big Ben by at least 7. This will make a big difference in our matchup. Unfortunately with Barber out and the fact that the rest of my team is a bunch of scrubs, I’m doomed.
Prediction: Shysters by 3
Holy crap! Play offs already? Where did this year go? A better question is how the hell did half these Managers make it into the play offs? I mean common! The Hopheads, LBNL & my Heros haven’t even broke 1,000 total points yet! As a matter of fact, between these three teams only one team scored over 100 points in one game. I won’t say who that was because his head may grow bigger than a melon and I’ll never hear the end of it. Then you look at the Molesters who had a heartbreak of a loss in week 13 to the Nonads which knocked him out of the playoffs. Molesters is the one odd man out that did break 1000 points in our regular season. The shame of it all.
So just how did each team make it into the playoffs? Let’s see now….
In first place is the Boozers who ruled most all year. He is legit even though he tanked 4 in a row at the end of the season. Curse of the bling Dude! Curse of the bling! I know you think you foiled the curse last week Boozers but we all know it was a fluke.
In second place is the Hopheads. I think the Potheads is more like it when you look at his lineup. Just how the hell did he finish 9-4? I don’t get it. If any of you have that one figured out feel free to chime in because I am clueless! Let’s just call this one what it is…sloppy seconds!
Hoppy, here is a new avitar for you.
Third place is the Brew Crew. This guy stayed pretty consistent all year. Awfully impressive for a rookie. Things really came together for him after he dumped all those Buffalo players. It didn’t take him long to learn that being a homie is a poor strategy. Hell, I’m in my third year of fantasy football and I have yet to learn that lesson. Guess I am as dumb as I look. Any way I have to admit the Brew crew is legit as well.
Fourth place is the Shysters. Anyone that lost to the Blues is just plain lucky to be alive. I know I would have jumped off the tallest building in Dallas had that happened to me. I’m gonna call this one as I see it. Mob influence.
Fifth place is my Homers Heros. Ok, Ok, I’ll be the first to admit it. This was just plain ugly! I won ugly. Let’s see just how far that ugly takes me.
Sixth place is the Nimrods. Now the Nimrods did break 1000. Yeah, by 1/2 point so that doesn’t count. He also managed to hit exactly 100 one week. Can’t call it breaking 100 but he did hit it. Better than I can say for myself. Lou had to sweat this one all season. Especially in the last couple weeks. Nimrods managed to make it by a hair on his chinny, chin, chin. He wiggled his way into the playoffs. Didn’t know a pumpkin butt could wiggly so well.
Seventh place is LBNL. He was pretty consistent in his scoring. Surprising seeing that he had such a titty baby of a QB. Due to that he eeked his way into the playoffs. I’ll bet he is still thanking the fantasy gods that he had me for his final matchup. If it weren’t for that he never would have made it. We will call this one what it is. Friggin lucky!
Eighth place and the final playoff slot went to the Gougers. This is easy to see. He pulled that one out of his ass and shoved it up the Molesters. To the Molesters that is what he calls going out in style! Gougers tripped into the playoffs!
Now what happened to the other 4 teams that didn’t make it?
The Molesters just blew his load.
The Demons were cursed all year. No more running with the Devil for him.
The Nonads had a horrible draft and never could recover from that.
The Blues never had a prayer.
On to the Predictions…
Boozers VRS the Gougers:
First thing is first….what have the yahoo geeks been smoking? The Gougers are projected for over 100 points this week! Yeah, he does have some favorable matchups but I’m going to call this one now. Detroit will get their first win against Minnesota this week and that will be what keeps you from breaking that 100 points Gougers! I know, I know, you all think I’m crazy. And it is calls like that got me laughed right out of the news room but wait and see folks. Wait and see.
Even with that prediction I still believe in the curse of the bling. Boozers, your going down in week one. Sorry Bubba.
Prediction: Gougers by 3
By the way Boozers you get first place as far as team names go. That one is a classic. I would stick with it for next season if I were you. As a matter of fact you influenced me. I think I may join the crowd. I was thinking of changing my team name to the Lucky Lushes for next season.
Fourth place is the Shysters. Anyone that lost to the Blues is just plain lucky to be alive. I know I would have jumped off the tallest building in Dallas had that happened to me. I’m gonna call this one as I see it. Mob influence.
Fifth place is my Homers Heros. Ok, Ok, I’ll be the first to admit it. This was just plain ugly! I won ugly. Let’s see just how far that ugly takes me.
Sixth place is the Nimrods. Now the Nimrods did break 1000. Yeah, by 1/2 point so that doesn’t count. He also managed to hit exactly 100 one week. Can’t call it breaking 100 but he did hit it. Better than I can say for myself. Lou had to sweat this one all season. Especially in the last couple weeks. Nimrods managed to make it by a hair on his chinny, chin, chin. He wiggled his way into the playoffs. Didn’t know a pumpkin butt could wiggly so well.
Seventh place is LBNL. He was pretty consistent in his scoring. Surprising seeing that he had such a titty baby of a QB. Due to that he eeked his way into the playoffs. I’ll bet he is still thanking the fantasy gods that he had me for his final matchup. If it weren’t for that he never would have made it. We will call this one what it is. Friggin lucky!
Eighth place and the final playoff slot went to the Gougers. This is easy to see. He pulled that one out of his ass and shoved it up the Molesters. To the Molesters that is what he calls going out in style! Gougers tripped into the playoffs!
Now what happened to the other 4 teams that didn’t make it?
The Molesters just blew his load.
The Demons were cursed all year. No more running with the Devil for him.
The Nonads had a horrible draft and never could recover from that.
The Blues never had a prayer.
On to the Predictions…
Boozers VRS the Gougers:
First thing is first….what have the yahoo geeks been smoking? The Gougers are projected for over 100 points this week! Yeah, he does have some favorable matchups but I’m going to call this one now. Detroit will get their first win against Minnesota this week and that will be what keeps you from breaking that 100 points Gougers! I know, I know, you all think I’m crazy. And it is calls like that got me laughed right out of the news room but wait and see folks. Wait and see.
Even with that prediction I still believe in the curse of the bling. Boozers, your going down in week one. Sorry Bubba.
Prediction: Gougers by 3
By the way Boozers you get first place as far as team names go. That one is a classic. I would stick with it for next season if I were you. As a matter of fact you influenced me. I think I may join the crowd. I was thinking of changing my team name to the Lucky Lushes for next season.
Nimrods VRS the Brew Crew:
Here is another one that blows me away. The Nimrods projected at 93? Those Yahoo’s are hitting the hooch aren’t they? The Brew Crew are also projected to break 90 but I can see that. Lou, I hate to say it but the Brew Crew will slip on a Trojan and stick it to you.
Prediction: Brew Crew by 9
Here is another one that blows me away. The Nimrods projected at 93? Those Yahoo’s are hitting the hooch aren’t they? The Brew Crew are also projected to break 90 but I can see that. Lou, I hate to say it but the Brew Crew will slip on a Trojan and stick it to you.
Prediction: Brew Crew by 9
Gonna get a spankin
Hopheads VRS LBNL:
Oh boy this is an exciting matchup! Not! That is sarcasm LBNL. Let me put it in terms you can understand. I’m blowing smoke up you butt!
This matchup has some stupid projections also. Arron Rodgers projected at 18! Aw give me a break! I know they are up against Houston but 18? Common! There is no way. I’ll bet he just barely gets 10!
This matchup is not a question of who will win it. It is a question of who will suck worse! Now if you go by the history of these two teams this season we have LBNL who has been real good at tanking the ones he should win and Hoppy has been real lucky at getting teams on their worst week. But this is the playoffs and I see the tide turning on that.
Prediction: LBNL by 5
The Shysters VRS my Heros:
I have a real good feeling that my Cowboys are going to show up big time and put the hurt on the Stealers. Romo will out score big Ben by at least 7. This will make a big difference in our matchup. Unfortunately with Barber out and the fact that the rest of my team is a bunch of scrubs, I’m doomed.
Prediction: Shysters by 3
Week 13 Wrap Up
The following advertisement appeared in this past week’s Cleveland Plain Dealer:
Wanted: Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns
Summary: Due to the unfortunate situations of losing both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson to season-ending injuries the past two weeks -- and the fact that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, won’t allow Cleveland to simply forfeit the rest of its games to get this dreadful season over with -- the Cleveland Browns are currently seeking an adequate, inexpensive quarterback to ensure four more losses in 2008.
Job Responsibilities: Turning around and handing the ball to Jamal Lewis; throwing incomplete passes to Braylon Edwards (you just have to throw the ball in his general direction and Edwards will take care of the rest); watching the defense squander huge leads; and squandering leads yourself by providing costly, hard-to-believe turnovers.
Job Perks: A front row seat to whenever Kellen Winslow Jr. speaks out against divulging the truth about injuries; the ability to improvise without worrying about what Romeo Crennel will say to you because neither you nor him will be around next year anyway; and weekly profanity-laced e-mails sent from the desk of Phil Savage.
Please respond ASAP, so that you can have at least one day of practice under your belt (that should be enough) before Sunday’s game against Tennessee (talk about not having a snowball’s chance in Hades).
Meanwhile, as Cleveland tries desperately to find a backup for its backup, the casino Tropicana Atlantic City has announced that will be hosting the 1st annual Running of The Santas on December 13. This is part of a nationwide bar tour in which participants don Santa hats, white beards, and baggy red suits, drink to their heart’s content, and do their own version of Pamplona's running of the bulls. Only at the head of this race will be a herd of stampeding Hooters girls.
See, this is why I’m not worried about our economy. Sure, the Dow Jones average dropped another 600 points yesterday. Sure, the auto industry, airline industry and Wall Street are all in the crapper. And, sure, Plaxico has proven once again the amount of brains it takes to earn millions of dollars playing football. But, when push comes to shove nothing can stop good old fashioned American ingenuity from saving the day. Listen…if people aren’t going to the bars and pissing their money away like they used to, you can do one of two things. You can cry about it or you can do something about it. The Tropicana chose to do something, because nothing puts guys in the seats like letting degenerate gamblers put on their stupid Santa hats and chase big-breasted girls around the slot machines and blackjack tables. In fact, I’m seriously debating heading down to Atlantic City for this history-making event (only problem is, Anita’s blocking the doorway). My only question is what happens when somebody actually catches one of the girls? I assume they don’t get to kill her like they do with the bulls in Pamplona, right? Does someone throw tomatoes or water balloons? Does it all turn into a wet T-shirt contest? Either way, I would pay good money for Suffolk Downs to put on this event in their infield. I can’t even imagine the sheer chaos this would create.
Okay, ‘nuf speculating on perverse subject matter….onward and upward to the weekly wrap up:
Homer’s Heroes (at least I can spell it) vs. Last But Not Least’s
Eli finally got the opportunity to proudly exhibit his manhood…umm, Braylon Edwards dropped only four passes….umm, oh the hell with all of that, let’s just say that the Heroes and LBNL proved once again that timely incompetence doesn’t mean you can’t make it into the playoffs. Congrats to both of you for getting one more opportunity to prove you’re worthiness or worthlessness, whichever floats to the top. But, let’s face it…I hope you don’t plan on playing the likes of Willis “I Fell and I Can’t Get Up” McGahee, Mewelde “Can’t Start No” Moore, Ted “Come On, Throw It to Me A” Ginn, or “Failin’” Braylon Edwards into the upcoming playoffs! Geez, take the time to do something new and exciting for a change (like going to Atlantic City dressed up like Rudolph the Red Nosed drunk). And by the way, Heroes, I understand that the poor Cowboy wimps continue to have pinkie woes, while the more manly teams out there are shooting themselves in the leg to show their toughness (says something about Texans, doesn’t it?) Speaking of wimps, I understand that Homer was forced to post this sign recently at his place of work, in an effort to avoid further embarrassing mishaps (much like those damaged pinky woes that have suddenly befallen his beloved Cowboys).
Sorrowfully, we now understand that LBNL failed to comprehend the warning, and that he is laid up at home with a severe foot injury caused when the sign inexplicably fell on his big toe. This is the result of piss-poor sign-hanging and wish-I-could-read stupidity. So I ask you, how did either of these knot heads make it into the playoffs? By-the-way: it looks like Timmy is going to rely on a 3rd string running back in his big match-up with the Shysters this week. Somehow I get the feeling that if they ever remade "Die Hard" with an all-black cast, wouldn't the lead character have to be named Le'Ron McLain?
Southern Molesters vs. Nonads
What can I say about this sorry-ass matchup. The Nonads took the Molesters by surprise this past week (much like the Molesters have been doing to innocent children all year long), stole all his handy candy, and left him lying naked and shivering in the gutter. This once wily manager, who often filled our heads with hopes of playoff positioning and his bus with enticing bedtime stories, fell miserably from grace. Now, just like the Buffalo Bills and Chicago Cubs always say….wait until next year. We’re all going to miss you, Nonads and Molesters, in our own individual ways.
By-the-way, a word of warning: since the Molesters are out of the playoffs, he’s stepped up his devisive attempts at luring the unsuspecting to his candy bus. Law enforcement has advised us that he’s now incognito, traveling around the fantasy football circuit claiming that he’s the official representative of the Clowntown Clan. So, if you happen to see this guy skulking around, laughing with your children or attempting to pass himself off as one of Santa’s little elves, avoid him at all costs. Meanwhile, we say better luck next time to both of these managers.
Dallas Demons vs. Belmont Boozers
Well, I guess we can all agree that the Dallas Demons saved their absolute worst game for last, but what can you expect from a guy that hangs out with the damned. Still, come on….38.5 points total (with DeMarcus Ware, a Dallas DL, getting at least twice as many points as any other Demon player in the process). So, we admit now that LBNL has been right all along….Demons Suck! Perhaps, the lowly Demons can begin the recovery process by finding that pathway so aptly described by Led Zeppelin years ago.
Still, while DD was in the process of earning this embarrassing loss, the Boozers looked absolutely unbeatable somehow, almost outscoring the entire Demons team with one player – Brian Westbrook. But let me just ask…has there ever been an NFL player listed as “questionable” more often than Brian Westbrook? Does this extend to other portions of his life? Can anyone really rely on him to come through in a pinch? Do his buddies make plans to catch a movie or to go out and share a few brewskies with him knowing that he’s questionable to actually show up? Does he send back wedding invitations checking both the “Yes, I Will Attend” and “No, I Will Not Attend?” boxes? What would it be like if he hosted a radio talk show? “All right, that’s it for today’s show, tune in again and I’ll see you tomorrow….or I might not.” Why aren’t we calling him Brian “Mr. Questionable” Westbrook? Meanwhile, we understand that the Boozers have sold his expensive diamond bling and traded up for a new limo. Check it out! 
And here’s the definition of irony: Did you know that Adam, manager of the Boozers, is an Edward Jones investment guy? And, did you know that Edward Jones Investments decided it would be a good idea to purchase the naming rights for St. Louis' football stadium, only now it's the most depressing crowd in the NFL other than in Detroit, and every week announcers say things like, "Man, you can hear a pin drop here at the Edward Jones Dome." Now that's a decision that makes me want to invest with Eddy! Wait, Adam, your company is the genius behind the Edward Jones Dome? Here's my money!
Happy Hopheads vs. Sunday Brew Crew
Geez, it’s utterly apparent this week that the Hopheads somehow stumbled his way into the playoffs with no ambition of coming in on a winning note. Inside sources tell us that he has a new life-style (no, not similar to that of the Molesters). Instead, Hoppy is trying to live up to his name by balancing his lifelong pastime of cross-country running with guzzling as many sudsy brews as he can muster. Apparently, he’s even trying to conduct both hobbies at the same time.
And now he wants to add televised football to the list by watching, running, and guzzling all at the same time. Maybe we should all chip in and get him that treadmill with the built in cup-holder and five-inch LCD that he’s been wanting for Christmas. Meanwhile, the Brew Crew has also somehow found his way into the playoffs, with the likes of Roddy “White Boy” White (who names their kid “Roddy” anyway), Maurice “Can’t Decide on a Name” Jones-Drew (who names their kid “Maurice” anyway), and Chris Cooley. Speaking of Cooley, did you know that the four-time Pro Bowler has started his own blog to help his brother, Tanner (who names their kid “Tanner” anyway), pay for med school. Cooley estimates it will generate about $250,000 per year in advertising and merchandise sales, more than enough to pay for his sibling's education. Interestingly, Cooley recently revealed that he celebrated his wife Christy's 21st birthday by downing 21 shots of Jim Beam at a bar in West Virginia with her family, taking the sports blog world by storm. The result: a spread in the Washington Post, interviews on numerous sports shows, and the inspiration of football-rabid, beer-chugging athletes like Bobbo the world over. You can catch the blog at: http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/.
Sidehill Gougers vs. Brown County Blues
So what? Big “bleaping” deal! The Blues somehow knocked off the Gougers, but couldn’t find a way to pound that last nail into the proverbial coffin. So, the Sidehill mob somehow found a way to teeter into the playoffs, beating the Molesters in points by the slimmest of margins. Good news, we guess, for the Gougers. Some guys get all the breaks, don’t they? I can't remember: was it the 1931 or the 1932 Chicago Bears who had their season fall apart after Red Grange and Bronko Nagurski were caught with StarCaps in their urine samples?
But no, the Gougers get to continue counting on their Minnesota defense, in spite of the fact that the Williams brothers get suspended and then unsuspended, saving his ass for yet one more week. And this week, it looks like Clark’s really gone out on a confidence limb, what with a former Arkansas Razorback named Peyton Hillis in his lineup. Just this week, a blitzed Razorbacks fan offered everyone $100 at 50-to-1 odds that Hillis would finish with more 2008 fantasy points than both Darren McFadden and Felix Jones? And why do I have a feeling Jerry Jones made his billions in a similar way? Anyway, in the end, the Gougers and Blues ended up best buds – just like Favre and Rodgers used to be.
Nashville Nimrods vs. ChiTown Shysters
So the Nimrods beat the Shysters and made it into the playoffs. What else would you expect from the two-time champ of the league. But I would rather talk about a related issue. Like everyone else, I'm still disappointed that a receiver didn't honor Plaxico Burress last weekend by catching a touchdown, then pretending to shoot himself in the leg with the football and limp around helplessly.
This never would have not happened if Chad Johnson were still alive…errr, I mean still playing…ummm, being his same old crazy self. You didn’t really think you could get through this blog without a Plaxico story, right? Don’t be stupid! This one is a nice change of pace though, because it's not about conspiracy or tow trucks or angry mayors. It's about a website that allows patients to anonymously rate their doctors and provide nice, little comments about their services—and it just so happens that I discovered one dedicated to super-secret Giants doctor Josyann Abisaab, M.D., who is rumored to have treated Plax in his hour of need. I think you know where this is going. Here are some of the reviews that have been left in her blog during the past week:
Hey Shysters, do you think there’s any way that the Chiefs can hypnotize Larry Johnson into thinking every short-yardage situation is really a crowded bar filled with the boyfriends of women who just resisted his advances? Finally, while all of you were duking it out for some of those final playoff spots, Anita and I simply decided to sit back, drink our fine wine, and let the cow patties fall where they might. In the end, all I can say is that I’ve provided a recent picture of the two of us for those of you that have been asking. But let me warn you….we’ve gained a couple of pounds during this football season.
Wanted: Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns
Summary: Due to the unfortunate situations of losing both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson to season-ending injuries the past two weeks -- and the fact that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, won’t allow Cleveland to simply forfeit the rest of its games to get this dreadful season over with -- the Cleveland Browns are currently seeking an adequate, inexpensive quarterback to ensure four more losses in 2008.
Job Responsibilities: Turning around and handing the ball to Jamal Lewis; throwing incomplete passes to Braylon Edwards (you just have to throw the ball in his general direction and Edwards will take care of the rest); watching the defense squander huge leads; and squandering leads yourself by providing costly, hard-to-believe turnovers.
Job Perks: A front row seat to whenever Kellen Winslow Jr. speaks out against divulging the truth about injuries; the ability to improvise without worrying about what Romeo Crennel will say to you because neither you nor him will be around next year anyway; and weekly profanity-laced e-mails sent from the desk of Phil Savage.
Please respond ASAP, so that you can have at least one day of practice under your belt (that should be enough) before Sunday’s game against Tennessee (talk about not having a snowball’s chance in Hades).
Meanwhile, as Cleveland tries desperately to find a backup for its backup, the casino Tropicana Atlantic City has announced that will be hosting the 1st annual Running of The Santas on December 13. This is part of a nationwide bar tour in which participants don Santa hats, white beards, and baggy red suits, drink to their heart’s content, and do their own version of Pamplona's running of the bulls. Only at the head of this race will be a herd of stampeding Hooters girls.
See, this is why I’m not worried about our economy. Sure, the Dow Jones average dropped another 600 points yesterday. Sure, the auto industry, airline industry and Wall Street are all in the crapper. And, sure, Plaxico has proven once again the amount of brains it takes to earn millions of dollars playing football. But, when push comes to shove nothing can stop good old fashioned American ingenuity from saving the day. Listen…if people aren’t going to the bars and pissing their money away like they used to, you can do one of two things. You can cry about it or you can do something about it. The Tropicana chose to do something, because nothing puts guys in the seats like letting degenerate gamblers put on their stupid Santa hats and chase big-breasted girls around the slot machines and blackjack tables. In fact, I’m seriously debating heading down to Atlantic City for this history-making event (only problem is, Anita’s blocking the doorway). My only question is what happens when somebody actually catches one of the girls? I assume they don’t get to kill her like they do with the bulls in Pamplona, right? Does someone throw tomatoes or water balloons? Does it all turn into a wet T-shirt contest? Either way, I would pay good money for Suffolk Downs to put on this event in their infield. I can’t even imagine the sheer chaos this would create.Okay, ‘nuf speculating on perverse subject matter….onward and upward to the weekly wrap up:
Homer’s Heroes (at least I can spell it) vs. Last But Not Least’s
Eli finally got the opportunity to proudly exhibit his manhood…umm, Braylon Edwards dropped only four passes….umm, oh the hell with all of that, let’s just say that the Heroes and LBNL proved once again that timely incompetence doesn’t mean you can’t make it into the playoffs. Congrats to both of you for getting one more opportunity to prove you’re worthiness or worthlessness, whichever floats to the top. But, let’s face it…I hope you don’t plan on playing the likes of Willis “I Fell and I Can’t Get Up” McGahee, Mewelde “Can’t Start No” Moore, Ted “Come On, Throw It to Me A” Ginn, or “Failin’” Braylon Edwards into the upcoming playoffs! Geez, take the time to do something new and exciting for a change (like going to Atlantic City dressed up like Rudolph the Red Nosed drunk). And by the way, Heroes, I understand that the poor Cowboy wimps continue to have pinkie woes, while the more manly teams out there are shooting themselves in the leg to show their toughness (says something about Texans, doesn’t it?) Speaking of wimps, I understand that Homer was forced to post this sign recently at his place of work, in an effort to avoid further embarrassing mishaps (much like those damaged pinky woes that have suddenly befallen his beloved Cowboys).
Sorrowfully, we now understand that LBNL failed to comprehend the warning, and that he is laid up at home with a severe foot injury caused when the sign inexplicably fell on his big toe. This is the result of piss-poor sign-hanging and wish-I-could-read stupidity. So I ask you, how did either of these knot heads make it into the playoffs? By-the-way: it looks like Timmy is going to rely on a 3rd string running back in his big match-up with the Shysters this week. Somehow I get the feeling that if they ever remade "Die Hard" with an all-black cast, wouldn't the lead character have to be named Le'Ron McLain?Southern Molesters vs. Nonads
What can I say about this sorry-ass matchup. The Nonads took the Molesters by surprise this past week (much like the Molesters have been doing to innocent children all year long), stole all his handy candy, and left him lying naked and shivering in the gutter. This once wily manager, who often filled our heads with hopes of playoff positioning and his bus with enticing bedtime stories, fell miserably from grace. Now, just like the Buffalo Bills and Chicago Cubs always say….wait until next year. We’re all going to miss you, Nonads and Molesters, in our own individual ways.
By-the-way, a word of warning: since the Molesters are out of the playoffs, he’s stepped up his devisive attempts at luring the unsuspecting to his candy bus. Law enforcement has advised us that he’s now incognito, traveling around the fantasy football circuit claiming that he’s the official representative of the Clowntown Clan. So, if you happen to see this guy skulking around, laughing with your children or attempting to pass himself off as one of Santa’s little elves, avoid him at all costs. Meanwhile, we say better luck next time to both of these managers.Dallas Demons vs. Belmont Boozers
Well, I guess we can all agree that the Dallas Demons saved their absolute worst game for last, but what can you expect from a guy that hangs out with the damned. Still, come on….38.5 points total (with DeMarcus Ware, a Dallas DL, getting at least twice as many points as any other Demon player in the process). So, we admit now that LBNL has been right all along….Demons Suck! Perhaps, the lowly Demons can begin the recovery process by finding that pathway so aptly described by Led Zeppelin years ago.
Still, while DD was in the process of earning this embarrassing loss, the Boozers looked absolutely unbeatable somehow, almost outscoring the entire Demons team with one player – Brian Westbrook. But let me just ask…has there ever been an NFL player listed as “questionable” more often than Brian Westbrook? Does this extend to other portions of his life? Can anyone really rely on him to come through in a pinch? Do his buddies make plans to catch a movie or to go out and share a few brewskies with him knowing that he’s questionable to actually show up? Does he send back wedding invitations checking both the “Yes, I Will Attend” and “No, I Will Not Attend?” boxes? What would it be like if he hosted a radio talk show? “All right, that’s it for today’s show, tune in again and I’ll see you tomorrow….or I might not.” Why aren’t we calling him Brian “Mr. Questionable” Westbrook? Meanwhile, we understand that the Boozers have sold his expensive diamond bling and traded up for a new limo. Check it out! 
And here’s the definition of irony: Did you know that Adam, manager of the Boozers, is an Edward Jones investment guy? And, did you know that Edward Jones Investments decided it would be a good idea to purchase the naming rights for St. Louis' football stadium, only now it's the most depressing crowd in the NFL other than in Detroit, and every week announcers say things like, "Man, you can hear a pin drop here at the Edward Jones Dome." Now that's a decision that makes me want to invest with Eddy! Wait, Adam, your company is the genius behind the Edward Jones Dome? Here's my money!Happy Hopheads vs. Sunday Brew Crew
Geez, it’s utterly apparent this week that the Hopheads somehow stumbled his way into the playoffs with no ambition of coming in on a winning note. Inside sources tell us that he has a new life-style (no, not similar to that of the Molesters). Instead, Hoppy is trying to live up to his name by balancing his lifelong pastime of cross-country running with guzzling as many sudsy brews as he can muster. Apparently, he’s even trying to conduct both hobbies at the same time.
And now he wants to add televised football to the list by watching, running, and guzzling all at the same time. Maybe we should all chip in and get him that treadmill with the built in cup-holder and five-inch LCD that he’s been wanting for Christmas. Meanwhile, the Brew Crew has also somehow found his way into the playoffs, with the likes of Roddy “White Boy” White (who names their kid “Roddy” anyway), Maurice “Can’t Decide on a Name” Jones-Drew (who names their kid “Maurice” anyway), and Chris Cooley. Speaking of Cooley, did you know that the four-time Pro Bowler has started his own blog to help his brother, Tanner (who names their kid “Tanner” anyway), pay for med school. Cooley estimates it will generate about $250,000 per year in advertising and merchandise sales, more than enough to pay for his sibling's education. Interestingly, Cooley recently revealed that he celebrated his wife Christy's 21st birthday by downing 21 shots of Jim Beam at a bar in West Virginia with her family, taking the sports blog world by storm. The result: a spread in the Washington Post, interviews on numerous sports shows, and the inspiration of football-rabid, beer-chugging athletes like Bobbo the world over. You can catch the blog at: http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/. Sidehill Gougers vs. Brown County Blues
So what? Big “bleaping” deal! The Blues somehow knocked off the Gougers, but couldn’t find a way to pound that last nail into the proverbial coffin. So, the Sidehill mob somehow found a way to teeter into the playoffs, beating the Molesters in points by the slimmest of margins. Good news, we guess, for the Gougers. Some guys get all the breaks, don’t they? I can't remember: was it the 1931 or the 1932 Chicago Bears who had their season fall apart after Red Grange and Bronko Nagurski were caught with StarCaps in their urine samples?
But no, the Gougers get to continue counting on their Minnesota defense, in spite of the fact that the Williams brothers get suspended and then unsuspended, saving his ass for yet one more week. And this week, it looks like Clark’s really gone out on a confidence limb, what with a former Arkansas Razorback named Peyton Hillis in his lineup. Just this week, a blitzed Razorbacks fan offered everyone $100 at 50-to-1 odds that Hillis would finish with more 2008 fantasy points than both Darren McFadden and Felix Jones? And why do I have a feeling Jerry Jones made his billions in a similar way? Anyway, in the end, the Gougers and Blues ended up best buds – just like Favre and Rodgers used to be. Nashville Nimrods vs. ChiTown Shysters
So the Nimrods beat the Shysters and made it into the playoffs. What else would you expect from the two-time champ of the league. But I would rather talk about a related issue. Like everyone else, I'm still disappointed that a receiver didn't honor Plaxico Burress last weekend by catching a touchdown, then pretending to shoot himself in the leg with the football and limp around helplessly.
This never would have not happened if Chad Johnson were still alive…errr, I mean still playing…ummm, being his same old crazy self. You didn’t really think you could get through this blog without a Plaxico story, right? Don’t be stupid! This one is a nice change of pace though, because it's not about conspiracy or tow trucks or angry mayors. It's about a website that allows patients to anonymously rate their doctors and provide nice, little comments about their services—and it just so happens that I discovered one dedicated to super-secret Giants doctor Josyann Abisaab, M.D., who is rumored to have treated Plax in his hour of need. I think you know where this is going. Here are some of the reviews that have been left in her blog during the past week:Dr. Abisaab was quick to respond when I showed up to the hospital with a hole in my leg caused by an accidental shooting at Applebee's this past weekend. She was going to report the incident until I showed her the gun that caused the hole in my leg. That changed her mind. Good thing, could you imagine the trouble I would be in if someone found out about my unregistered handgun. Oh, wait, nevermind.
Doc is top notch. I didn't have to wait too long, was brought in the back door, bandaged and on my way before I could change my sweatpants. I truly appreciated the help.
Anytime I shoot myself at 2 in the morning....Dr. Abisaab is going to be my first call.
Hey Shysters, do you think there’s any way that the Chiefs can hypnotize Larry Johnson into thinking every short-yardage situation is really a crowded bar filled with the boyfriends of women who just resisted his advances? Finally, while all of you were duking it out for some of those final playoff spots, Anita and I simply decided to sit back, drink our fine wine, and let the cow patties fall where they might. In the end, all I can say is that I’ve provided a recent picture of the two of us for those of you that have been asking. But let me warn you….we’ve gained a couple of pounds during this football season.
Dec 1, 2008
Commentary: Regular Season
Hi All! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving holiday, and that you’ve all recovered from it. The Commissioner’s Office was on the road for the holiday, so I missed getting the weekly review up before the Thanksgiving games and have been slouching ever since. The Commish is busy working on a review for the past week, but he’s too busy scheming on how he will win the league and then take over the world, so I’ll just leave him to his sinister plans.
In the blur of the holidays, we finished out our regular season of fantasy football and started the playoff rounds. Great season, guys! I have to say that this has been the most entertaining season of fantasy football yet. Who would have thought that Homer (Tim) could write, much less write coherently?! And who would have predicted that the Happy Hopheads would stay relatively curse-free? With the 3rd lowest points in the league, he managed to wiggle his way to the top of the standings. Un-freakin’-believable! If I would have known that in order to get ahead you just have to be a foul-mouthed, alcoholic skeezer, I would have changed my ways a long time ago.
I’d like to say Thanks to the Brown County Blues, Nonads, Dallas Demons and Southern Molesters. Even though you didn’t make the playoffs, you made the season interesting and worthwhile. Heck, I’ve even gleaned an educational opportunity from the Southern Molesters. My daughter now understands NOT to approach any person or any vehicle offering free candy. The candy may be free, but the consequences are… well, let’s just not go there right now. On a more serious note, our condolences go out to the Nonads for the loss of his father last month. Though many of us don’t know you well or even know you personally, we can all certainly sympathize with you.
To address a different issue, I ran across an interesting article online in the realm of fantasy football. For those of you who read, and read books without pictures, there is an old book out there known as the Art of War by Sun Tzu. One sports writer used it as the basis for trade negotiations –
Let me just stretch this a bit further and apply it to our league and how we interact with each other. Now, to be plain, I don’t know most of you, couldn’t identify you on the street, and wouldn’t know your voices if you called on the phone. (Somehow I’m convinced it would only be for a crank call and not to exchange cookie recipes!) And you all could probably say the same. Tim tries to convince me that the Texas Contingency is really a great bunch of guys, and he’s probably right. (Ha! And I’m the Queen of England!) That being said, there’s much that we miss, or cannot convey effectively, online. And there’s much that could be misunderstood. I’m not sure that any of you know what it’s like to be the only chic in a boy’s club. I’m not complaining, but I do have different boundaries than the rest of you, and I’m pretty sure that I’m sober A LOT MORE than most of you! WAY MORE. So, what’s the point here, you’re wondering. My point here is that it’s okay to encourage some live communication here. Wait! Don’t wince! I’m the chic in this league, remember? It’s my duty as a member of the female half of the species to encourage and open up communication. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt (much). And you might even come to like it. Things aren’t always done the Chicago way around here. What’s that? Let me quote the movie The Untouchables:
So, no grudges here. No hard feelings. The Commissioner’s Office is always open to phone calls, emails, faxes, large donations and friendly visits. And if you do have a good cookie recipe, I’m willing to exchange. In fact, I’m still looking for an authentic recipe for jambalaya. No heavy breathing on the phone, please. That’s old school!
In the blur of the holidays, we finished out our regular season of fantasy football and started the playoff rounds. Great season, guys! I have to say that this has been the most entertaining season of fantasy football yet. Who would have thought that Homer (Tim) could write, much less write coherently?! And who would have predicted that the Happy Hopheads would stay relatively curse-free? With the 3rd lowest points in the league, he managed to wiggle his way to the top of the standings. Un-freakin’-believable! If I would have known that in order to get ahead you just have to be a foul-mouthed, alcoholic skeezer, I would have changed my ways a long time ago.
I’d like to say Thanks to the Brown County Blues, Nonads, Dallas Demons and Southern Molesters. Even though you didn’t make the playoffs, you made the season interesting and worthwhile. Heck, I’ve even gleaned an educational opportunity from the Southern Molesters. My daughter now understands NOT to approach any person or any vehicle offering free candy. The candy may be free, but the consequences are… well, let’s just not go there right now. On a more serious note, our condolences go out to the Nonads for the loss of his father last month. Though many of us don’t know you well or even know you personally, we can all certainly sympathize with you.
To address a different issue, I ran across an interesting article online in the realm of fantasy football. For those of you who read, and read books without pictures, there is an old book out there known as the Art of War by Sun Tzu. One sports writer used it as the basis for trade negotiations –
If you are in the right type of league, most of your “enemies” are already your friends, friends of friends, or other people with whom you are sufficiently well acquainted. Long gone is the moniker “rotisserie league” which connoted a tight group of friends who got together. It has since been replaced by the impersonal invention of Al Gore called “the Internet.” Modern technology has dispensed with human contact and many fantasy leagues are now comprised of autonomous individuals who may know only a couple of other people in their respective leagues.
Getting to know the people in your league will serve as the most lethal weapon in your trading arsenal. The more often you converse with other team managers, the better read you have on how they value players. In the Internet age, we rely far too much on sending a trade offer, often joined by a one sentence quip on how the trade would help the other team. That trade offer is then rejected by a simple push of a button, from which we learn nothing. Live communication is the most effective means in which we may ascertain whether the complexion of other managers is that of a risk taker, conservative, or even fearful of their own shadow.
Let me just stretch this a bit further and apply it to our league and how we interact with each other. Now, to be plain, I don’t know most of you, couldn’t identify you on the street, and wouldn’t know your voices if you called on the phone. (Somehow I’m convinced it would only be for a crank call and not to exchange cookie recipes!) And you all could probably say the same. Tim tries to convince me that the Texas Contingency is really a great bunch of guys, and he’s probably right. (Ha! And I’m the Queen of England!) That being said, there’s much that we miss, or cannot convey effectively, online. And there’s much that could be misunderstood. I’m not sure that any of you know what it’s like to be the only chic in a boy’s club. I’m not complaining, but I do have different boundaries than the rest of you, and I’m pretty sure that I’m sober A LOT MORE than most of you! WAY MORE. So, what’s the point here, you’re wondering. My point here is that it’s okay to encourage some live communication here. Wait! Don’t wince! I’m the chic in this league, remember? It’s my duty as a member of the female half of the species to encourage and open up communication. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt (much). And you might even come to like it. Things aren’t always done the Chicago way around here. What’s that? Let me quote the movie The Untouchables:
You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way! And that's how you get Capone. Now do you want to do that?
So, no grudges here. No hard feelings. The Commissioner’s Office is always open to phone calls, emails, faxes, large donations and friendly visits. And if you do have a good cookie recipe, I’m willing to exchange. In fact, I’m still looking for an authentic recipe for jambalaya. No heavy breathing on the phone, please. That’s old school!
Nov 20, 2008
Week 12 Predictions & Rant # 2
WEEK 12 PREDICTIONS
Rodger, you thought I was finished with you last week didn’t you? Hell no I aint! I was just getting warmed up. This last week you and your cronies gave me more to fester upon. You run a football league like a three ring circus! What the hell gives son? How is it that 1/2 the players and coaches in the NFL don’t even know sudden death rule? Yes Virginia, a regular season game can end in a tie! The Eagles of all teams should know this rule better than any other team. They hold the record at 4 games that ended in a tie. They share this illustrious record with Green Bay. How could they not know the rule? Well I guess when you think about it, it does make sense. The Eagles can’t even figure out how to score against a sorry ass team like the Bengals. How can you expect they would know the rules? Even the most basic rule like what constitutes a win. Rodger you’re a dumb ass and you breed dumb assness! Stupid is as stupid does. In this case, your people are only as smart as their leader.
By the way folks, I know assness is not a word but I gotta talk at the mans level.
OK Rodger, you say your not a dumb ass. Fine then lets put that to a test. When was the rule instated? Wrong stupid! It was 1974. OK try this one champ. How many games have ended in a tie since the rule was instated? EH! Wrong again numb nuts! It is 17. Ok one last shot Einstein. Who holds the record for the most games ending in a tie since the rule was instated? Wrong again shit for brains! This just goes to show how stupid you are. I gave you the answer earlier and you still got it wrong. Just how much dumb can fit into one head? The Eagles and the Packers share the record both with 4 games ending in a tie. OK, OK one last chance lunk head. See if you can get this one right. Is there an exception to the sudden death rule? Wrong again bird brain! Good God you are a full blown meat head aren’t you? Of course there is an exception. That’s what all the hub bub has been all about this week. Didn’t you even read the rule book before you took this job?
1. Following a three-minute intermission after the end of the regulation game, play will be continued in 15-minute periods or until there is a score*. There is a two-minute intermission between subsequent periods. The teams change goals at the start of each period. Each team has three time outs per half and all general timing provisions apply as during a regular game. Disqualified players are not allowed to return. *Exception: In preseason and regular season games there shall be a maximum of 15 minutes of sudden death with two time outs instead of three. General provisions that apply for the fourth quarter will prevail. Try not attempted if touchdown scored. If there is no score in the 15 minutes, the game shall end in a tie.
I don’t know about you folks but that one blows me away. These guys are supposed to be professionals. I knew the rule. I know you guys knew the rule. Hell, even LBNL knew the rule! Ask any third grader and I’m willing to bet he would know too! This ignorance doesn’t end with the Eagles either. Players from other teams said they didn’t know the rule as well. I thought all these guys went to college. Just what school was this? Romper Room? I think it’s time to gather up all these screwballs and teach them something. Don’t you Rodger?
Let’s not stop there either. What gives with these Refs? They are just as clueless! Any of you catch the end of that Pittsburgh game last week? They blew that one big time! You should be real proud of your crew Rodger. You made history. I don’t believe any other single event in peace time history made more people blow a simultaneous cork than that one. Cheers to you on that one professor! And then good old Rodger gets on camera and says “we goofed”. Goofed? Goofed? Are you kidding me Dingleberry? That’s no goof, that’s a good old fashion screw up if I ever saw one!
What about the Ed Hochuli fiasco in week one? He blew is whistle, the call and the game! Either these guys are dumb ass inbred country bumpkins or they are all on the Mafia payroll. Shysters, your from Chicago, can you answer that one for us? Any of your mafia cousins have NFL refs over for dinner lately? How about you LBNL? I just know if they are inbred they gotta be related to you. You seen any of them kissing your cousins around the still on Sunday morning?
What gets me the most Rodger is you fine any owner or player that criticizes your precious refs. Damn straight they are gonna pitch a bitch. They have a right too! And what happens to your precious refs when they screw up? You dock ‘em a few points on their grade. OOOHH! Real tough Rodger! I thought you were here to clean up the NFL. You talk the talk but you sure as hell don’t walk the walk Bubba. Why don’t you grow some hair on those balls and take a real stand skipper?
Then we have Pacman Jones. Yeah Rodger, how about Pacman, Oh excuse me, Adam Jones? What was it you said when you first reinstated him? Let me see if I can remember…One more mistake and he is out of the NFL for good. And what did you do the other day? You reinstated that thug again! And here is the kick in the pants. When you were asked by the media what if he screws up again? You reply “he will get suspended again, maybe for a longer stint”. Oh, you’re a real hard ass. Your head is so far up his Jerry Jones butt that you’ll break your neck if he breaks wind!
Let me quote one of my all time favorite coach rants. This is the NFL, which stands for Not For Long when you make those kinds of calls.
Any of you folks remember that one? Classic aint it? The year was 1985 and Jerry Glanville was prowling the sidelines for the long-lost Houston Oilers. Gotta love it!
On to the Predictions
So far the Boozers, Shysters, Hopheads and my Homers Heros (don’t you just love that name?) have clinched playoff berths.
Brew Crew, LBNL, Molesters, Gougers, Demons, Nimrods & Nonads are all fighting for survival. Sorry Blues, I was rooting for you but mathematically you are out of it. Shocked you guys didn’t I? You didn’t know I knew a word that big did you?
Blues VRS Hopheads:
I figure the Blues are pissed. He is going out with a bang! Well, that’s what I thought at first until I saw all the panic moves you did in the last couple days Blues. Have you been chugging that alter wine again? You should take it easy on that hooch son! It is worse than that hill brewed Kentucky rotgut the Boozer grew up on!
Prediction: Hopheads by 7
Shysters VRS Nonads:
No contest. Shysters had 2 losses in a row. She was just getting those out of the way before the playoffs. She is done screwing around now. Nonads, your getting your butt whipped by a girl this week.
By the way Anita, I called that one right last week. You pulled a Tim and lost your way into the playoffs. Damn, the kid is good.
I know, I know, my record sucks! But hell, even a mutt deserves a scrap every once in a while.
Prediction: Shytsters by 12
Gougers VRS Boozers:
This one is easy. Gougers are out for blood and the Boozers still has on his bling. Boozers are going to flop out again! Curse of the bling dude, curse of the bling! Trust me lush head, I may not know crap about football but I know my voodoo. Dump the bling bub or your going down in the first week of the playoffs!
Prediction: Gougers by 4
By the way Boozers, you may tanking lately but your team name scores a home run with me!
Molesters VRS Brew Crew:
Now here is a real battle for play off positioning and / or survival! If the Molesters loose his chances for making the playoffs diminish significantly. On the other hand with a loss the Brew Crew could be in danger himself. Both managers need this win desperately. Both teams are projected in the 80’s. Who will it be?
Prediction: Brew Crew by 4 and he clinches a playoff spot.
Demons VRS LBNL:
Robert, what they hell are you doing? Miles Austin, Austin Miles is out for 2 weeks! I know Lee Evans pissed you off but to dump him for a guy that is injured and out for 2 weeks? You been knocked loopy or what? Evans get you a little hot under the collar? Make a change dude! Make a change! You can’t let LBNL beat you twice in one season!
Prediction: LBNL by 1 again and the Demons will reserve a seat in hell for you.
Nimrods VRS my Heros:
Three predictions here. # 1: Nimrods need this one so bad that he will get his win. #2 He will admit he really loves my team name. Homers Heros. Has such a nice ring to it don’t it Lou? It flows like that first fart in the morning. Sounds bad but it just feels soooo right! # 3 Diaper Dude will get the verbal thrashing of his life!
Prediction: Nimrods by 2
Week 11 Wrap Up
Guest Author - Dallas Demons (Robert)
Hello Morons! It's me, your friendly neighborhood Demon with the wrap up on a terrible week of football. I dont even know where to start with this crap...but since I mentioned it, the "crapper" would be the perfect place to start.
Demons vs. Gougers
If this was a match-up of smack talk the Demons would have kicked the Gougers shorts up his butt a long time ago...but it wasn't and the Demons kinda got kicked around themselves, going down in defeat to those bowlegged Gougers and recording the lowest score of the week, embarrassingly dropping to tenth in the rankings. I guess Billy Bobs jumping tonight...Go ahead "GOUGERS" first round on you.
Nimrods vs. LBNL
"Stupid is what stupid does"... or something like that. Well folks the winner of the Forrest Gump Memorial Classic goes to LBNL... the first time in his life he'd ever won something without pulling his pants down first. But at any rate it may just get him in the playoffs while the Nimrods seem to just fade off after a fast start earlier in the season, he's holding on for dear life in that final playoff position but you gotta beleive that big pumpkins ass is wearing on him. It's swim or sink this week for the Nimrods.
Heros vs. Nads
Well I gotta admit...I personally thought that the Heros was "toast" but they manage to get the "W" dispite having no one to talk smack to. Trying to get the Nads to talk smack is about as much fun as cursing out a Nun...but "whodathunkit" that beer guzzling,pop belly, crappie missing Homer pulled it off and is in a three way tie for the lead. I guess being a retard isn't so bad after all once you get past a occassional "drool" or two.
Shysters vs. Brew Crew
Even with this much needed victory, the Brew failed to take the Shysters over in the ranking by just five points. When its all said and done we're gonna look back and say that this rookie had one "helluva" season...now if we could just get him to stop winking at us. He kinda reminds me of "ME" in my first season but without the six wins...humble, modest, and full of sh@*... If luck had a son he'd look just like that freakin Trojan avatar on his match-up screen. Speaking of trojans...The Shysters team laid down on and just took it big time.... better luck next week Chitown!
Molesters vs. Brown County
I see that the Molesters was able to avoid arrest this week and actually put up the highest score of the week. It is also important to note that about a hour after the game, the Dallas Emergency Call Center put out a record number of Amber Alerts within a four hour period. The Molesters team manager could not be reached for comment and is said to be hiding out in Leon, Mexico. A team spokesman said that he has hired former pop star and childhood friend Micheal Jackson to defend him in a upcoming trail. Commissioner Lou Dew Nothin has yet to hand out any disciplinary actions against the team. In other news the Blues manager shot himself after his team let a 45-0 lead slip away on Sunday. The team has name K.C. head coach Herm Edwards as interim.
Hopeheads vs. Boozers
This was the most competitive out of all the match-ups this past week, with "Hoppy" managing to yank and pull (like all lonely truckers do) a victory out of the drunken grasp of the league Diva...Mr. (B)ling (B)ling himself. Creating a 3-way tie at the top of the team rankings where he vows to defend his new found stardome at all cost...I wonder if we could dump Jessica Simpson on him so my Cowboys can get back to playing football.
Thats does it for my week 11 wrap-up. Enjoyed doing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
Hello Morons! It's me, your friendly neighborhood Demon with the wrap up on a terrible week of football. I dont even know where to start with this crap...but since I mentioned it, the "crapper" would be the perfect place to start.
Demons vs. Gougers
If this was a match-up of smack talk the Demons would have kicked the Gougers shorts up his butt a long time ago...but it wasn't and the Demons kinda got kicked around themselves, going down in defeat to those bowlegged Gougers and recording the lowest score of the week, embarrassingly dropping to tenth in the rankings. I guess Billy Bobs jumping tonight...Go ahead "GOUGERS" first round on you.
Nimrods vs. LBNL
"Stupid is what stupid does"... or something like that. Well folks the winner of the Forrest Gump Memorial Classic goes to LBNL... the first time in his life he'd ever won something without pulling his pants down first. But at any rate it may just get him in the playoffs while the Nimrods seem to just fade off after a fast start earlier in the season, he's holding on for dear life in that final playoff position but you gotta beleive that big pumpkins ass is wearing on him. It's swim or sink this week for the Nimrods.
Heros vs. Nads
Well I gotta admit...I personally thought that the Heros was "toast" but they manage to get the "W" dispite having no one to talk smack to. Trying to get the Nads to talk smack is about as much fun as cursing out a Nun...but "whodathunkit" that beer guzzling,pop belly, crappie missing Homer pulled it off and is in a three way tie for the lead. I guess being a retard isn't so bad after all once you get past a occassional "drool" or two.
Shysters vs. Brew Crew
Even with this much needed victory, the Brew failed to take the Shysters over in the ranking by just five points. When its all said and done we're gonna look back and say that this rookie had one "helluva" season...now if we could just get him to stop winking at us. He kinda reminds me of "ME" in my first season but without the six wins...humble, modest, and full of sh@*... If luck had a son he'd look just like that freakin Trojan avatar on his match-up screen. Speaking of trojans...The Shysters team laid down on and just took it big time.... better luck next week Chitown!
Molesters vs. Brown County
I see that the Molesters was able to avoid arrest this week and actually put up the highest score of the week. It is also important to note that about a hour after the game, the Dallas Emergency Call Center put out a record number of Amber Alerts within a four hour period. The Molesters team manager could not be reached for comment and is said to be hiding out in Leon, Mexico. A team spokesman said that he has hired former pop star and childhood friend Micheal Jackson to defend him in a upcoming trail. Commissioner Lou Dew Nothin has yet to hand out any disciplinary actions against the team. In other news the Blues manager shot himself after his team let a 45-0 lead slip away on Sunday. The team has name K.C. head coach Herm Edwards as interim.
Hopeheads vs. Boozers
This was the most competitive out of all the match-ups this past week, with "Hoppy" managing to yank and pull (like all lonely truckers do) a victory out of the drunken grasp of the league Diva...Mr. (B)ling (B)ling himself. Creating a 3-way tie at the top of the team rankings where he vows to defend his new found stardome at all cost...I wonder if we could dump Jessica Simpson on him so my Cowboys can get back to playing football.
Thats does it for my week 11 wrap-up. Enjoyed doing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it.
Nov 17, 2008
Old Farts
This has nothing to do with football. However we have plenty of old farts in this league so I figure some of you could relate to this.
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow". The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Nov 13, 2008
Week 11 Predictions
Week 11 Predictions
Oh, this was a bad week. A real bad week! First Dr. Phill put me on Ritalin because my predictions last week were so incoherent. Man, that stuff has some nasty side effects. I wont tell you what they were but the end result was 2 black eyes, a knot on my forehead, a groin injury, ruined 14 pairs of underwear, had to replace the toilet twice, took out a set of box springs, the headboard, 16 ceiling tiles, the wife divorced me and for some reason the dog backs into the corner every time I come in the room. Then later that afternoon Judge Judy ran out of batteries. She made me come over to start up her gas powered love toy. The dumb ho only had enough gas for a few hours so I had to ride that old horse for the rest of the cattle drive. Then to top it all off I have Rodger Goodell calling to bust my chops. He called up and said I was in the wrong for my bitching about the Thursday night games being on the NFL Network. Aw common! Give me a break puss! I held back you cry baby! Do you want hear the truth? You want me to lay it out for you Skippy? Well your gonna hear it now since you wanna whine like a little girl.
You say I’m in the wrong for raggin on your precious NFL Network? You gotta be kidding me! Ok Bubba, just tell me, how stupid is this? NFL Network is only available on Dish. Right? Half the commercials on the NFL Network are trying to sell you dish. Right? Do you see where I’m going with this Dillrod? No? Thought not. You must be related to LBNL. Let me spell this out for you further. Now if I am here watching NFL Network then I already have Dish! Don’t ya think? How many people do you employ? How many years have you been running those adds? God you are bubble short of being level aren’t you?
NFL Network only available on satellite. Now, how wrong is that? You guys are so damn clueless! Friggin satellite works about as well as a square wheel on a bike.. Get a storm within 10 miles and your stuck watching a blank screen. If your lucky it will tease you with enough blips to thoroughly piss you off. Me? I got rid of Direct TV after a bird crapped on the dish and took it out! And this was not Big Bird that took it out either. It was a damn humming Bird! Yeah, that’s right! Friggin Tweety bird took out my last reason for living! I missed football for 2 weeks waiting on that Maytag repair man wannabe to come fix my system. And that aint all son! What about these overseas games? Who’s bright idea was that scooter? It was bad enough when you had a preseason game in Mexico. Now that was screwed up. Every time a TD was scored the announcer would scream GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL! That was so damn irritating! This aint friggin soccer! It’s good old American football. The first time I heard that I punted my TV out the front window and took out the neighbors dog.
Now we have games “across the pond”. What kind of bull crap is that Duke? At least in Mexico the fans wore Cowboys jerseys. What the hell was that fag crap those Brits were wearing? A queer inflatable cartoon rugby ball on their heads? Give me a break! I’d rather be caught wearing my chaps with nothing underneath! Even those stupid Cheeseheads aren’t as ridiculous as what those morons were wearing! Then I gotta sit there and listen to the sportscasters calling the game in the “Queens English”! Now I don’t know about the rest of you folks but that gets on my nerves something fierce! Football, sportscasting and “proper English” don’t mix. No, no, no, not at all. Might as well put Dennis Miller back in the booth. I wish a linebacker would run by one of those announcers and clothesline ‘em a good one! Punt that son of a bitch right in the head! Gang tackle and pile on. No wait…. Scratch that….. Those fags would like that.
You also have the grand idea to have games in Asia! Oh, now that’s real bright Edison! I can see this now. China is going to infringe on all the NFL copy rights. Our players will all get lead poisoning off the chalk lines. The substandard goal post will fall over and take out an entire backfield. The refs will be knee high to all the players and they will screw up 90% of the calls because the only balls in line of sight for them will be protected by a cup. Then both teams will get thrown in jail for attempting to smuggle some of China’s best opium products back home! Oh, that’s real good for the sport aint it? God your such an idiot!
You also plan on having a game in the Middle East! Oh boy, that’s your best idea yet Einstien! I can see it now. The team bus gets hit by an IED on the way to the game. We loose 25% of our players there. Then 1/2 the crowd fires off a full clip from their AK’s on the first TD which takes out 20 more players. PLAY ON! Says Roger. Then in celebration the remainder of the winning team gets arrested for drinking un-islamic beverages which happens to be anything that doesn’t come out of a goat. All the coaches get arrested for un-islamic sexual encounters (which by the way translates to sex with anything but a goat). The remainder of the teams get their plane hijacked on the way home then ditched in the closest desert which happens to be just about anywhere in that God forsaken land! But you Roger? Yeah you and your NFL cronies walk away with 20% controlling interest in the Iraqi oil fields! You sorry Bastard.
Sorry for the rant guys, but it just had to be said.
ON TO THE PREDICTIONS!
Molesters VRS Blues:
Blues are coming off a miracle week. Can he do it again? If you look at the Yahoo projections you would think not. But these projections have been so wrong this year I’m willing to bet this week will be no different. I have a feeling the Blues will do it again. The Molesters will be the ones bending over this week.
Prediction: Blues by 7
Nimrods VRS LBNL:
All I have to say on this one is ….. LBNL if you want us all to quit thinking you’re a retard then bench Eli! Do that then we can downgrade it to moron!
Prediction: Nimrods by 10
Hopheads VRS Boozers:
Boozers, Hasselback is available again. Why don’t you pick his sorry ass back up? He is just your style! I see you are still wearing your bling. This means you are doomed. I’m telling you dude, that bling is your curse. Besides that, Bob hasn’t had a sloppy win in 4 weeks. He is due.
Prediction: Hopheads by 4
Your team name is all the bling you need Boozers.
Shysters VRS Brew Crew:
The Brew Crew has been sober all week preparing for this one. I say all week but to tell you the truth the week started after Monday night football. But for him that is one hell of a stretch. Shysters are due a loss and I think the Brew Crew are the ones to do it. Anita, you really don’t think you could beat both lushes in or group did you?
Prediction: Brew Crew by 6
Demons VRS Gougers:
Demons, your in trouble. The Gougers broke out the big guns this week. Lookie there! Roy Williams. I know the Nimrods don’t want to hear this but I think Roy will get all the big plays while T.O. is just used as bait. By the way, what possessed you to pick up Ryan as a QB? Is all that heat getting to you? Turn on the AC down there Demon! Your getting loopy!
Prediction: Gougers by 9
My Heros VRS Nonads:
The Nonads are trying to sneak in a stealthy win this week. And you know what? I think he just may pull it off! I hate to say it but he has a lot of players in that NC / Detroit game. I think he will come out of that one looking pretty. Your game Dude, not you. Your still an ugly bastard in my book.
Prediction: Nonads by 4
Week 10 Wrap Up
Anita’s feeling a bit under the weather this week (she hasn’t fully recovered from the shocking thrashing that she took at the hands of Dead Meat Pete), so she had to pass off her blogging duties to her assistant, Jean-Louis Knowitall, whose scribblings are mostly incomprehensible and idiotic. We're sorry for this inconvenience, and we'll do our best to return to normal "What the Hell Just Happened?" next week. But first, before I begin the wrap up, here’s my brief “Can-You-Believe-They-Did-That” complaint of the week:
Sports Illustrated recently featured women’s basketball on its cover. Nobody cares about women's basketball. To call it a niche sport is an insult to niche sports. It's insulting that Sports Illustrated and (especially) ESPN try to force women's college basketball down our throats, but it's time to stop the nonsense. It's BEEN time to stop the nonsense. In a Harris Interactive Poll taken last year, 1% of sports fans listed women's college basketball as their favorite sport, ranking it behind men's soccer, bowling, track & field, boxing and horse racing. Horse racing, for crap’s sake! The 1% is actually a high water mark for the sport. In 2005, women's basketball rated an "*" which meant that the sport received less than .5% of the votes. So, SI is running cover stories about subjects that 1% of their audience likes best. Think about that and what it would mean if other magazines put stories on the cover that only interested 1% of it's intended reading audience. The stories would be something like this:
Newsweek: Sarah Palin Makes a Great Pie
Rolling Stone: In the Studio with Ja Rule
Playboy: The chick who played Andrea on '90210' bares all
Playgirl: Southern Molesters bares all
Good Housekeeping: Tips on how to get the most out of your Ikea's Leksvik drop-leaf table
Okay, ‘nuf said….onward and upward to the wrap up:
Nashville Nimrods vs. Nonads
The Nimrods finished the week in a decisive way…err, the Nimrods squished the opposition this past week…err, let’s just say they finally won without having to stay up for the finish of the Monday night game. Any way you cut it, Lou left no doubt that he is determined to turn his season around before it’s too late. Getting 75% of the votes, the Nimrods turned Timmy the Greek’s prediction of a three-point victory into ten times that much, and it was the first (and maybe only) time that the he could gloat over the fact that his team made it to the century mark in points. Poor Nonads…his team looked battered and bruised (and that was BEFORE the games even started). Although he got double-digits from three of his players, the Nonads looked like a sorry bunch. Since the draft, he’s relied on quarterback Donovan McNabb in 9 out of 10 weeks (reluctantly sitting him during bye week 7, a game that he won). And he’s only won 2 other games with this poor slob McNabb in his line-up! There's something about a train wreck where you can't look away. So far: league voters 1-0 and the Greek 1-0…..
Southern Molesters vs. Belmont Boozers
Can I get a “Woo-Hoo” for the effort put forth by the Molesters the past week? This wily manager, who fills our heads with hopes of playoff positioning and his pockets with delicious free candy, received 60% support from the rest of the league and a vote of confidence from the Greek. We all agree that the Molesters write some of the funniest smack this side of the Dallas red light district - and that he likes the close company of school kids even more than he likes women of the night, gay men, and goats – but did you know about his tattoo fetish? Take a gander at his most recent body art.
Meanwhile, me thinks the Boozers should be a bit less concerned about gift bling and more worried with his floundering record and injury-prone Clinton Portis. I know he says he'll play, but Adam should be far more concerned with the part where he says, "right now I can't straighten my leg." I'm no doctor, but that doesn't sound too promising. More evidence is that old Clinton doesn't seem of sound mind right now: he thinks, of all the rookies out there, Malcolm Kelly can make the most impact. Who the hell is Malcolm Kelly? Boozers, we all recommend dumping the bathwater before it turns rancid, and before you go into a tail-spin (and stay away from the candy man). So far: league votes 2-0 and the Greek 2-0….
Happy Hopheads vs. Dallas Demons
Oh, what a tangled web we weave…the Hopheads were picked 67% of the time by the league and received Timmy’s voodoo vote, so he was absolutely destined to go down in flames. Seems like those that were standing proud and tall at the top of the league last week have all stubbed their poor, little toes. The Demons pulled off a narrow 2-point victory in this barn-burner, but in the famous words of another manager: “An ugly win is still a win.” Yea, right, and an ugly loss is like meeting the Molesters in a quiet bar for a few drinks. But, wait, I digress. We found Bobbo contemplating his crazed decision to drop Brett Favre and pick up Ryan Torrain just after this heart-breaking defeat, and we took this sorrowful photo.
Our suggestion is to keep your head out of the oven, Bobbo, and look to the future for inspiration. Have you read Simmons "Levels of Losing" column lately? Level XIV is called The Alpha Dog loss. Simmons' definition: "It might have been a devastating loss, but at least you could take solace that a superior player made the difference in the end. Unfortunately, that player wasn't playing for your team." Does Reggie Wayne’s 14 points vs. Marvin Harrison’s 1 point ring any bells? So far: league votes 2-1 and the Greek 2-1….
Homer’s Heros vs. Sunday Brew Crew
So, the Brew Crew got royally Thigpenned by the Heros (have I ever told you how much I hate that name, Timmy), and he was left crying in his warm beer. The rest of the league was sure that the Brew Crew would prevail (even Timmy the Greek called this one wrong), and we were all gravely disappointed when the Heros (no, really, it’s an idiotic name, Timmy) recorded their sixth victory in the past seven weeks. And all without Romo at the helm, who was still recovering from the devastating injury to his pinky, fifth finger, baby finger, digitus minimus, digitus quintus (or digitus V in anatomy), which almost ended his entire NFL career. This match-up, my friends, was a full-fledged butt-kicking. All I can say, Brew Crew, is that sometimes you can tell right away when it isn't your day. And that's the worst part, isn’t it? Not just the epiphany, but everything that follows - every botched play; every turnover; every instance where someone on your team wants to quit; every "deer in the headlights" look; every time an announcer says, "They can't get anything going"; every shot of the opponents celebrating; every time you look at the score and think to yourself, "Well, if I can score here and force a turnover, maybe I'll get some momentum," but you know it's not going to happen, because you're already 30 points down. You just want it to end, and it won't end. But it did end, mercifully, and without much hope for your fantasy football future. You’re welcome to join Bobbo in his oven? Now it was: league votes 2-2 and the Greek 2-2….
ChiTown Shysters vs. Brown County Blues
Wow, what can be said about this humiliating defeat? This can’t really be happening, can it? Yes, indeed, it can, we all shouted from the rooftops as the last of the top three were knocked down and kicked without mercy. This match-up sort of reminded me of the Alamo (though it didn’t involve any of those pitiful teams from the warmer region of the U.S.). This was the sibling of the Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking described above. You're supposed to win, you expect to win, the game is a mere formality, right? Suddenly, your team falls behind, your opponents are fired up, the clock is ticking and it dawns on you for the first time, "Oh, my God, this can't be happening.” Ultimately, only the Hopped-Up Hopheads had the gonads (or is it the nonads) to put his faith in the Preacher, and Timmy the Greek saw it as a 19-point victory for the Shysters. Well, it happened, and now the Blues have made ChiTown the butt of all our jokes. But don’t get your bloomers in a twist, Preacher….while staying somehow alive in the basement of the league, believing you can still make the playoffs, we all know that you live in a fantasy world far, far away from football. Can you hear that crackling sound beneath your feet, Pete, as hell begins to go below the freezing mark? Well, we can’t. It's over, just admit it to yourself. Pitifully, it’s now: league votes 2-3 and the Greek 2-3…
Sidehill Gougers vs. Last But Not Least’s
Well, surely, we all thought, the Gougers would redeem our faith in picking winners…would show us that we can’t always be wrong….would put a stop to this madness! But, no…the league believed unanimously that the Gougers would clobber LBNL, the Greek concurred, and we all sat back drinking our beer, eating our pizza, and preparing for the devastation to begin. This one combined the horrors of the This Can’t Be Happening with sweeping bitterness and hostility. Your team's hanging tough (hell, they might even be winning), but you can feel the inevitable breakdown coming, and you keep waiting for the guillotine to drop, and you just know it's coming -- you know it -- and when it finally comes, you're angry that it happened and you're angry at yourself for contributing to the debilitating karma. And you wonder why the hell you play fantasy football at all, don’t you Clark? Still, our hats are off to the man who had the guts to draft Eli.
And had the faith to risk 25 points on his bench for a wimp who he believed was a "Giant of a man" (not to be confused with Jay)...who’s vastly improved over the past two years, by the way...which is to say, he's now molded himself into an average NFL quarterback. I don't understand how Eli winning a Super Bowl validates his existence when it did nothing for Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer or Mark Rypien. And don't feed me that crap about his magical escape on the Tyree catch. That was piss-poor tackling and a miracle catch. Giving Eli credit for that is like giving LBNL credit for the Giants winning the Superbowl. Piss poor, I tell you, our ability to pick games is piss poor: league votes 2-4 and the Greek 2-4…
And sticking with the theme of hopelessness for all you managers who are about to be shut out of the playoffs I leave you with a bit of wisdom. "On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead . . . and red means where the hell did you get that damn banana?"
Sports Illustrated recently featured women’s basketball on its cover. Nobody cares about women's basketball. To call it a niche sport is an insult to niche sports. It's insulting that Sports Illustrated and (especially) ESPN try to force women's college basketball down our throats, but it's time to stop the nonsense. It's BEEN time to stop the nonsense. In a Harris Interactive Poll taken last year, 1% of sports fans listed women's college basketball as their favorite sport, ranking it behind men's soccer, bowling, track & field, boxing and horse racing. Horse racing, for crap’s sake! The 1% is actually a high water mark for the sport. In 2005, women's basketball rated an "*" which meant that the sport received less than .5% of the votes. So, SI is running cover stories about subjects that 1% of their audience likes best. Think about that and what it would mean if other magazines put stories on the cover that only interested 1% of it's intended reading audience. The stories would be something like this:Newsweek: Sarah Palin Makes a Great Pie
Rolling Stone: In the Studio with Ja Rule
Playboy: The chick who played Andrea on '90210' bares all
Playgirl: Southern Molesters bares all
Good Housekeeping: Tips on how to get the most out of your Ikea's Leksvik drop-leaf table
Okay, ‘nuf said….onward and upward to the wrap up:
Nashville Nimrods vs. Nonads
The Nimrods finished the week in a decisive way…err, the Nimrods squished the opposition this past week…err, let’s just say they finally won without having to stay up for the finish of the Monday night game. Any way you cut it, Lou left no doubt that he is determined to turn his season around before it’s too late. Getting 75% of the votes, the Nimrods turned Timmy the Greek’s prediction of a three-point victory into ten times that much, and it was the first (and maybe only) time that the he could gloat over the fact that his team made it to the century mark in points. Poor Nonads…his team looked battered and bruised (and that was BEFORE the games even started). Although he got double-digits from three of his players, the Nonads looked like a sorry bunch. Since the draft, he’s relied on quarterback Donovan McNabb in 9 out of 10 weeks (reluctantly sitting him during bye week 7, a game that he won). And he’s only won 2 other games with this poor slob McNabb in his line-up! There's something about a train wreck where you can't look away. So far: league voters 1-0 and the Greek 1-0…..
Southern Molesters vs. Belmont Boozers
Can I get a “Woo-Hoo” for the effort put forth by the Molesters the past week? This wily manager, who fills our heads with hopes of playoff positioning and his pockets with delicious free candy, received 60% support from the rest of the league and a vote of confidence from the Greek. We all agree that the Molesters write some of the funniest smack this side of the Dallas red light district - and that he likes the close company of school kids even more than he likes women of the night, gay men, and goats – but did you know about his tattoo fetish? Take a gander at his most recent body art.
Meanwhile, me thinks the Boozers should be a bit less concerned about gift bling and more worried with his floundering record and injury-prone Clinton Portis. I know he says he'll play, but Adam should be far more concerned with the part where he says, "right now I can't straighten my leg." I'm no doctor, but that doesn't sound too promising. More evidence is that old Clinton doesn't seem of sound mind right now: he thinks, of all the rookies out there, Malcolm Kelly can make the most impact. Who the hell is Malcolm Kelly? Boozers, we all recommend dumping the bathwater before it turns rancid, and before you go into a tail-spin (and stay away from the candy man). So far: league votes 2-0 and the Greek 2-0….Happy Hopheads vs. Dallas Demons
Oh, what a tangled web we weave…the Hopheads were picked 67% of the time by the league and received Timmy’s voodoo vote, so he was absolutely destined to go down in flames. Seems like those that were standing proud and tall at the top of the league last week have all stubbed their poor, little toes. The Demons pulled off a narrow 2-point victory in this barn-burner, but in the famous words of another manager: “An ugly win is still a win.” Yea, right, and an ugly loss is like meeting the Molesters in a quiet bar for a few drinks. But, wait, I digress. We found Bobbo contemplating his crazed decision to drop Brett Favre and pick up Ryan Torrain just after this heart-breaking defeat, and we took this sorrowful photo.
Our suggestion is to keep your head out of the oven, Bobbo, and look to the future for inspiration. Have you read Simmons "Levels of Losing" column lately? Level XIV is called The Alpha Dog loss. Simmons' definition: "It might have been a devastating loss, but at least you could take solace that a superior player made the difference in the end. Unfortunately, that player wasn't playing for your team." Does Reggie Wayne’s 14 points vs. Marvin Harrison’s 1 point ring any bells? So far: league votes 2-1 and the Greek 2-1….Homer’s Heros vs. Sunday Brew Crew
So, the Brew Crew got royally Thigpenned by the Heros (have I ever told you how much I hate that name, Timmy), and he was left crying in his warm beer. The rest of the league was sure that the Brew Crew would prevail (even Timmy the Greek called this one wrong), and we were all gravely disappointed when the Heros (no, really, it’s an idiotic name, Timmy) recorded their sixth victory in the past seven weeks. And all without Romo at the helm, who was still recovering from the devastating injury to his pinky, fifth finger, baby finger, digitus minimus, digitus quintus (or digitus V in anatomy), which almost ended his entire NFL career. This match-up, my friends, was a full-fledged butt-kicking. All I can say, Brew Crew, is that sometimes you can tell right away when it isn't your day. And that's the worst part, isn’t it? Not just the epiphany, but everything that follows - every botched play; every turnover; every instance where someone on your team wants to quit; every "deer in the headlights" look; every time an announcer says, "They can't get anything going"; every shot of the opponents celebrating; every time you look at the score and think to yourself, "Well, if I can score here and force a turnover, maybe I'll get some momentum," but you know it's not going to happen, because you're already 30 points down. You just want it to end, and it won't end. But it did end, mercifully, and without much hope for your fantasy football future. You’re welcome to join Bobbo in his oven? Now it was: league votes 2-2 and the Greek 2-2….
ChiTown Shysters vs. Brown County Blues
Wow, what can be said about this humiliating defeat? This can’t really be happening, can it? Yes, indeed, it can, we all shouted from the rooftops as the last of the top three were knocked down and kicked without mercy. This match-up sort of reminded me of the Alamo (though it didn’t involve any of those pitiful teams from the warmer region of the U.S.). This was the sibling of the Full-Fledged Butt-Kicking described above. You're supposed to win, you expect to win, the game is a mere formality, right? Suddenly, your team falls behind, your opponents are fired up, the clock is ticking and it dawns on you for the first time, "Oh, my God, this can't be happening.” Ultimately, only the Hopped-Up Hopheads had the gonads (or is it the nonads) to put his faith in the Preacher, and Timmy the Greek saw it as a 19-point victory for the Shysters. Well, it happened, and now the Blues have made ChiTown the butt of all our jokes. But don’t get your bloomers in a twist, Preacher….while staying somehow alive in the basement of the league, believing you can still make the playoffs, we all know that you live in a fantasy world far, far away from football. Can you hear that crackling sound beneath your feet, Pete, as hell begins to go below the freezing mark? Well, we can’t. It's over, just admit it to yourself. Pitifully, it’s now: league votes 2-3 and the Greek 2-3…
Sidehill Gougers vs. Last But Not Least’s
Well, surely, we all thought, the Gougers would redeem our faith in picking winners…would show us that we can’t always be wrong….would put a stop to this madness! But, no…the league believed unanimously that the Gougers would clobber LBNL, the Greek concurred, and we all sat back drinking our beer, eating our pizza, and preparing for the devastation to begin. This one combined the horrors of the This Can’t Be Happening with sweeping bitterness and hostility. Your team's hanging tough (hell, they might even be winning), but you can feel the inevitable breakdown coming, and you keep waiting for the guillotine to drop, and you just know it's coming -- you know it -- and when it finally comes, you're angry that it happened and you're angry at yourself for contributing to the debilitating karma. And you wonder why the hell you play fantasy football at all, don’t you Clark? Still, our hats are off to the man who had the guts to draft Eli.
And had the faith to risk 25 points on his bench for a wimp who he believed was a "Giant of a man" (not to be confused with Jay)...who’s vastly improved over the past two years, by the way...which is to say, he's now molded himself into an average NFL quarterback. I don't understand how Eli winning a Super Bowl validates his existence when it did nothing for Brad Johnson, Trent Dilfer or Mark Rypien. And don't feed me that crap about his magical escape on the Tyree catch. That was piss-poor tackling and a miracle catch. Giving Eli credit for that is like giving LBNL credit for the Giants winning the Superbowl. Piss poor, I tell you, our ability to pick games is piss poor: league votes 2-4 and the Greek 2-4…And sticking with the theme of hopelessness for all you managers who are about to be shut out of the playoffs I leave you with a bit of wisdom. "On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead . . . and red means where the hell did you get that damn banana?"
Nov 9, 2008
Nov 8, 2008
Need a New Avatar? Try One of These
South Park Avatar Creator
If you're looking for something new to do with your avatar, or just to make one for the first time, the South Park Studios website makes it easy. You can create your own avatar South Park-style! The avatar creator allows you to pick the type of character to use, change its appearance, change its appearance, add some accessories, etc. If you are a South Park fan, you gotta visit the site! To make your own South Park avatar, go to http://www.southparkstudios.com/fans/avatar/.
Get Simpsonized
At the website for the Simpsons Movie, you will find an avatar creator along with other games and things. You can "Simpsonize" yourself or create a whole new Simpsons character. For some, this may be a better look than the real-life thing, or at least an opportunity to improve upon the real-life thing. To make your own Simpsons character, go to http://www.simpsonsmovie.com/main.html and click on CREATE YOUR OWN SIMPSONS AVATAR at the top of the screen.
Make It Simple
Sometimes simpler is better. At PlanetCreation.co.uk you can create a simple avatar that even a child could use. And if you're feeling even more creative, you can even have it animated. For a simple avatar, go to http://www.planetcreation.co.uk/createpic/ and scroll down to "Create My Picture". Yes, it really is that easy!
And what does this have to do with fantasy football, you're wondering? Absolutely nothing. Just more mindless entertainment!
If you're looking for something new to do with your avatar, or just to make one for the first time, the South Park Studios website makes it easy. You can create your own avatar South Park-style! The avatar creator allows you to pick the type of character to use, change its appearance, change its appearance, add some accessories, etc. If you are a South Park fan, you gotta visit the site! To make your own South Park avatar, go to http://www.southparkstudios.com/fans/avatar/.
Get Simpsonized
At the website for the Simpsons Movie, you will find an avatar creator along with other games and things. You can "Simpsonize" yourself or create a whole new Simpsons character. For some, this may be a better look than the real-life thing, or at least an opportunity to improve upon the real-life thing. To make your own Simpsons character, go to http://www.simpsonsmovie.com/main.html and click on CREATE YOUR OWN SIMPSONS AVATAR at the top of the screen.Make It Simple
Sometimes simpler is better. At PlanetCreation.co.uk you can create a simple avatar that even a child could use. And if you're feeling even more creative, you can even have it animated. For a simple avatar, go to http://www.planetcreation.co.uk/createpic/ and scroll down to "Create My Picture". Yes, it really is that easy!And what does this have to do with fantasy football, you're wondering? Absolutely nothing. Just more mindless entertainment!
Nov 7, 2008
Trade Deadline
For those of you who may be interested, the trade deadline in our league is November 14. If you have something in mind, it has to be completed by then. For instance, if you had a back-up quarterback that you never use... that just sits on your bench racking up points that you'll never have... you might considering trading him and creating a flex spot on your roster. Just an idea.
Nov 6, 2008
Week 10 Predictions
Howdy Folks! Not much time to squeeze in the predictions this week. Damn Thursday night games! Actually I wouldn’t bitch but I don’t have NFL Network. Oh man do I want to get on my soap box on that one but as I said, time is short and I only have minutes to get in my predictions before game time.
Due to the time constraints I’m gonna try something new. I think I’ll give an honest and serious attempt to accurately pick. I’ll take out all the personal, gut and from the heart feelings. I’ll remove all my prejudices’. For the first time I’ll actually be sober while I do this. Do you all think I can do it? Can Timmy the Greek actually do better than .500? I don’t know either. This could be the advent of a new day. On the other hand it could be the beginning of the end.
Well, let’s give it a shot…
Molesters VRS Boozers:
QB Position, Manning up against Pittsburgh vrs Garrard up against Detroit. Boozers has the advantage here. Plus 4 for Boozers on QB position.
WR’s, Molesters has Bowe, Gonzalez & Brandon Marshal. Boozers has Fitzgerald, Jennings & Holt. Boozers has the advantage hands down. Plus 6 for the Boozers on WR’s.
RB’s, Johnson & Gore against Forte & Westbrook. Boozers has a huge advantage here. The only question is, will Westbrook go out injured or not? I think there is a good chance so we will call this position a draw.
TE, Scaife vrs Carlson. Another draw. Both suck. Nothing personal. Just a fact. Draw again.
Kickers, Elam vrs Prater. An ex Denver kicker vrs a current Denver kicker. Too bad both aren’t matched up at Mile High this week. I give Elam the advantage here but that only gains you a 2 point advantage Gabe.
Def., Molesters has the Jags defense against the Lions while Boozers has the Bears against the Titans. This is closer than you would think. This gains Boozers 1.
DB’s & DL’s, Both have good players but Molesters may have an injury problem. Boozers get a 3 point advantage.
Let’s see now Boozers, here is how it adds up for you 4+6+0+0-2+1+3=12
Son-of-a-bitch! The boy can think and add too! Would ya have thunk it?
Boozers by 12. Oh, wait a minute…the circling buzzards factor hasn’t worn off yet. That’s a factor of minus 13. Hey! What do you know!
Prediction:
Molesters by 1
Sorry Boozers. But I still think your team name is TITS!
Well so much for taking prejudice out of it. But I can still hold back my personal, gut, & heart. Still sober too!
Shysters VRS Blues:
QB’s, Blues picked up Quinn and Shysters is starting Big Ben. An unproven rookie with lame receivers vrs an injured director of running backs. Neither will score 2 digits. Blues get a 2 point advantage.
WR’s, Need a QB Holmes, what QB? Moss & can’t find the end zone Moore vrs my QB is a tity baby Toomer, what QB? Welker & scratch your Crotchery. Draw!
RB’s, Lewis & Parker vrs Jones & Grant. Sounds like a couple lawyers against a couple brokers. SNOOOOOZER! Draw again!
TE, Clark vrs Winslow. Both studs, draw again.
Kickers, don’t even get a mention here.
Def, Shysters with Baltimore & Blues with the Jets. Shysters has a monster advantage. Give her 6 point advantage.
DB & DL, Shysters get a 5 point advantage here.
Lets see now Shysters… -2+0+0+0+6+5= 9 point advantage for Shysters. Now figure in Blues bad luck fudge factor of -10.
Prediction:
Shysters by 19
So much for the gut. That went right out the window.
Nimrods VRS Nonads:
Lets call this one what it is. The dickless vrs the balless (less balls, ball less) oh whatever! You know what I’m getting to.
QB’s, Warner vrs McNabb Nimrods get +3
WR’s, Burress, Colston & Bruce vrs Smith Johnson & Jackson. All average players but Nimrods has a slight advantage. Nimrods +2
RB’s, Brown & Williams vrs Smith & Stewart. Studs vrs scrubs. Nimrods + 6
TE, Gonzalez vrs Shiancoe? Who the fu__ is Shiancoe? I haven’t a clue but that is worth + 6 to Nimrods again!
Kickers, Kasay vrs Carney. Eli wont hit the end zone. Giants will kick field goals all day so Nonads get +6
Def, Titans all the way! Nimrods + 4
DB & DL, Draw
OK Nimrods, lets add this up 3+2+6-6+4=9 for Nimrods. Factor in the Viagra factor for the Nonads and that comes to
Prediction:
Nimrods by 3
OK so much for not getting personal. But I kept sober up to this point and still have a lot of love in my heart. Math still adds up so wheels are still turning upstairs.
Hopheads vrs Demons:
Now this comes from the heart fellas…I mean it. Real deep down from the heart… you both SUCK! You should both get in a league that spots points! Double digit points! You need a handicap for an excuse! I mean common! How did you guys wind up with so may scrubs?
Not gonna add this one up. I’m running outta time a patience!
Fudge packer factor +/-69
Prediction:
Bob will sleaze another one by 2
OK, OK scrap the heart.
Gougers VRS LBNL:
ALLRIGHT! That’s it! Brains are out! We have the brainless against dumb luck. Who’s who? If you need it spelled out you must be related to LBNL.
Calculate in the dunce factor we come to..
Prediction:
Gougers by 5
Homers Heros VRS Brew Crew:
SCREW IT! I’m getting hammered!
Prediction:
Brew Crew by 15
Boy, that deteriorated real fast didn’t it?
Due to the time constraints I’m gonna try something new. I think I’ll give an honest and serious attempt to accurately pick. I’ll take out all the personal, gut and from the heart feelings. I’ll remove all my prejudices’. For the first time I’ll actually be sober while I do this. Do you all think I can do it? Can Timmy the Greek actually do better than .500? I don’t know either. This could be the advent of a new day. On the other hand it could be the beginning of the end.
Well, let’s give it a shot…
Molesters VRS Boozers:
QB Position, Manning up against Pittsburgh vrs Garrard up against Detroit. Boozers has the advantage here. Plus 4 for Boozers on QB position.
WR’s, Molesters has Bowe, Gonzalez & Brandon Marshal. Boozers has Fitzgerald, Jennings & Holt. Boozers has the advantage hands down. Plus 6 for the Boozers on WR’s.
RB’s, Johnson & Gore against Forte & Westbrook. Boozers has a huge advantage here. The only question is, will Westbrook go out injured or not? I think there is a good chance so we will call this position a draw.
TE, Scaife vrs Carlson. Another draw. Both suck. Nothing personal. Just a fact. Draw again.
Kickers, Elam vrs Prater. An ex Denver kicker vrs a current Denver kicker. Too bad both aren’t matched up at Mile High this week. I give Elam the advantage here but that only gains you a 2 point advantage Gabe.
Def., Molesters has the Jags defense against the Lions while Boozers has the Bears against the Titans. This is closer than you would think. This gains Boozers 1.
DB’s & DL’s, Both have good players but Molesters may have an injury problem. Boozers get a 3 point advantage.
Let’s see now Boozers, here is how it adds up for you 4+6+0+0-2+1+3=12
Son-of-a-bitch! The boy can think and add too! Would ya have thunk it?
Boozers by 12. Oh, wait a minute…the circling buzzards factor hasn’t worn off yet. That’s a factor of minus 13. Hey! What do you know!
Prediction:
Molesters by 1
Sorry Boozers. But I still think your team name is TITS!
Well so much for taking prejudice out of it. But I can still hold back my personal, gut, & heart. Still sober too!
Shysters VRS Blues:
QB’s, Blues picked up Quinn and Shysters is starting Big Ben. An unproven rookie with lame receivers vrs an injured director of running backs. Neither will score 2 digits. Blues get a 2 point advantage.
WR’s, Need a QB Holmes, what QB? Moss & can’t find the end zone Moore vrs my QB is a tity baby Toomer, what QB? Welker & scratch your Crotchery. Draw!
RB’s, Lewis & Parker vrs Jones & Grant. Sounds like a couple lawyers against a couple brokers. SNOOOOOZER! Draw again!
TE, Clark vrs Winslow. Both studs, draw again.
Kickers, don’t even get a mention here.
Def, Shysters with Baltimore & Blues with the Jets. Shysters has a monster advantage. Give her 6 point advantage.
DB & DL, Shysters get a 5 point advantage here.
Lets see now Shysters… -2+0+0+0+6+5= 9 point advantage for Shysters. Now figure in Blues bad luck fudge factor of -10.
Prediction:
Shysters by 19
So much for the gut. That went right out the window.
Nimrods VRS Nonads:
Lets call this one what it is. The dickless vrs the balless (less balls, ball less) oh whatever! You know what I’m getting to.
QB’s, Warner vrs McNabb Nimrods get +3
WR’s, Burress, Colston & Bruce vrs Smith Johnson & Jackson. All average players but Nimrods has a slight advantage. Nimrods +2
RB’s, Brown & Williams vrs Smith & Stewart. Studs vrs scrubs. Nimrods + 6
TE, Gonzalez vrs Shiancoe? Who the fu__ is Shiancoe? I haven’t a clue but that is worth + 6 to Nimrods again!
Kickers, Kasay vrs Carney. Eli wont hit the end zone. Giants will kick field goals all day so Nonads get +6
Def, Titans all the way! Nimrods + 4
DB & DL, Draw
OK Nimrods, lets add this up 3+2+6-6+4=9 for Nimrods. Factor in the Viagra factor for the Nonads and that comes to
Prediction:
Nimrods by 3
OK so much for not getting personal. But I kept sober up to this point and still have a lot of love in my heart. Math still adds up so wheels are still turning upstairs.
Hopheads vrs Demons:
Now this comes from the heart fellas…I mean it. Real deep down from the heart… you both SUCK! You should both get in a league that spots points! Double digit points! You need a handicap for an excuse! I mean common! How did you guys wind up with so may scrubs?
Not gonna add this one up. I’m running outta time a patience!
Fudge packer factor +/-69
Prediction:
Bob will sleaze another one by 2
OK, OK scrap the heart.
Gougers VRS LBNL:
ALLRIGHT! That’s it! Brains are out! We have the brainless against dumb luck. Who’s who? If you need it spelled out you must be related to LBNL.
Calculate in the dunce factor we come to..
Prediction:
Gougers by 5
Homers Heros VRS Brew Crew:
SCREW IT! I’m getting hammered!
Prediction:
Brew Crew by 15
Boy, that deteriorated real fast didn’t it?
Riding On the Short Bus
A cabbie, driving a little yellow bus, picked up a Nun at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport. She climbed into the little yellow bus, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn't stop staring at her. Nervously, she asked him why he was staring.
He replied: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answered: "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old and as wise as I am, and you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask or do that I would find offensive."
"Well," said the cabbie, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responded with a smile: "Well, let's see what we can do about fulfilling that fantasy. But first, I must know that you are an unmarried gentleman who is not cheating on his spouse. And, second, you must promise me that you are a Catholic."
The cab driver was very excited and proclaimed: "Well, no, I am not married and I've been a Catholic all of my life!"
"All right," the nun said. "Pull into the next alley." The nun proceeded to fulfill his fantasy, giving him a kiss that would have made a sailor blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married, I'm Jewish, and I'm not a cab driver."
The nun smiled and said: "That's quite alright. My name is Gabe and I'm going to a Halloween party."
He replied: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answered: "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old and as wise as I am, and you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask or do that I would find offensive."
"Well," said the cabbie, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responded with a smile: "Well, let's see what we can do about fulfilling that fantasy. But first, I must know that you are an unmarried gentleman who is not cheating on his spouse. And, second, you must promise me that you are a Catholic."
The cab driver was very excited and proclaimed: "Well, no, I am not married and I've been a Catholic all of my life!"
"All right," the nun said. "Pull into the next alley." The nun proceeded to fulfill his fantasy, giving him a kiss that would have made a sailor blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married, I'm Jewish, and I'm not a cab driver."
The nun smiled and said: "That's quite alright. My name is Gabe and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Nov 5, 2008
Week 9 Wrap Up
It's a short week this week with games starting early, so I'll just get right to it!
Southern Molesters vs. Dallas Demons
The Molesters came on strong this past week – aw shoot, scratch that. We don’t need any vivid imagery of the Molesters doing anything floating around in our heads. The consensus via smacktalk was that this was the ugly matchup of the week. Both teams got decent performances from each of their quarterbacks, but the Molesters prevailed with double-digit performances from Anthony Gonzales, Chris Johnson and Jacksonville’s DEF as well. The Demons were beaten handily – oops, sorry for the perverse imagery again. Uhm, let’s just say that the Molesters won and the Demons lost. The less we know about what happens behind those closed doors, the better!
Nashville Nimrods vs. Sunday Brew Crew
This was the nailbiter of the week! For those of you who do not have the unique pleasure of watching football games with the Commish, it was a hair-pulling event on Monday night. Somebody owes me some hazard pay! This match up was close after Sunday night’s game, and the Commish was left with the smallest window of opportunity to rescue his faltering season. Brew Crew was down by 9 pts and had Chris Cooley, Washington’s DEF and Troy Polamalu in the game against the Commish’s London Fletcher. While the Brew Crew had his back turned, the Molesters snuck up and… Doh! Sorry – wrong matchup! The Nimrods won by a slight margin, and happiness was restored to the Commissioner’s Office once again. (Sheesh, my ears are still bleeding from all the cussing and swearing!) Sorry, Brew Crew, you never had a chance. Like the Boozers pointed out, there’s nothing more troublesome than a motivated Nimrod.
Happy Hopheads vs. Sidehill Gougers
Another mediocre performance from Aaron Rodgers for the Hopheads, while on the other side of this matchup, the Gougers got double-digits from 6 of his players. It seems that Adrian Peterson has finally hit his stride, while Tim Hightower is usurping the once esteemed Edgerrin James. Too bad the Gougers can’t find a TE to save his life, but it looks like he can get by without one. The Hopheads’ TE was a dud as well. The Gougers were the high-scoring team this week, and the only team to score over 90 points. Look out folks, for the Gougers may make it to the playoffs anyway!
Homer’s Heroes vs. Brown County Blues
This matchup turned out to be disastrous for the individual players on these two teams. The Heroes lost Michael Pittman to the IR list, and DeAngelo Hall no longer has a job with Oakland. I guess they realized that he was listed on Tim’s roster and no longer wanted any part of him. The Blues trashed yet another quarterback, Kyle Orton, who will be out for at least 2 weeks with an ankle sprain. It sucks to be Pete’s quarterback! The Blues had a shot of stringing together 2 wins in a row, but the FF gods were not with him. The Blues seem to have a solid team on paper, but karma, bad luck or Timmy’s brand of voodoo seem to be working against them. Pete, it’s time for an exorcism in the worst way!
Nonads vs LBNLs
I’m not really sure what to say about this matchup, so I’ve got an anecdote to illustrate it:
Nonads and LBNL were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, LBNL suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Nonads promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled LBNL out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Nonads’ heroic act, she immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered him to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Nonads the news she said, "Nonads, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”
“The bad news is that LBNL, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Nonads replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
ChiTown Shysters vs. Belmont Boozers
The King is dead – Long live the Queen! Woohoo! It took solid performances from Mason Crosby and Baltimore’s DEF and mediocre performances on the other side of the matchup to take down the once undefeated Boozers and to bring his team down to the level of the rest of us knuckleheads. And to top it all off, the Boozers got the lowest score of the week! Oh, the shame! The disgrace! The ugly fall from grace! (Did I lay it on thick enough, Adam?) Yet in spite of a humiliating loss, the Boozers still managed to clinch a playoff spot. What the …! Yes, Boozers, confidence can be sexy, but arrogance, my chronically inebriated friend, is repugnant. We may meet again in the playoffs, but now you’ve been touched by the Curse of the Red Hot Skillet, so you don’t stand a chance. A quote comes to mind – “He has lulled himself into a false sense of competence.” HA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Good luck, Everyone, and remember that there will be a Thursday game this week!
Southern Molesters vs. Dallas Demons
The Molesters came on strong this past week – aw shoot, scratch that. We don’t need any vivid imagery of the Molesters doing anything floating around in our heads. The consensus via smacktalk was that this was the ugly matchup of the week. Both teams got decent performances from each of their quarterbacks, but the Molesters prevailed with double-digit performances from Anthony Gonzales, Chris Johnson and Jacksonville’s DEF as well. The Demons were beaten handily – oops, sorry for the perverse imagery again. Uhm, let’s just say that the Molesters won and the Demons lost. The less we know about what happens behind those closed doors, the better!
Nashville Nimrods vs. Sunday Brew Crew
This was the nailbiter of the week! For those of you who do not have the unique pleasure of watching football games with the Commish, it was a hair-pulling event on Monday night. Somebody owes me some hazard pay! This match up was close after Sunday night’s game, and the Commish was left with the smallest window of opportunity to rescue his faltering season. Brew Crew was down by 9 pts and had Chris Cooley, Washington’s DEF and Troy Polamalu in the game against the Commish’s London Fletcher. While the Brew Crew had his back turned, the Molesters snuck up and… Doh! Sorry – wrong matchup! The Nimrods won by a slight margin, and happiness was restored to the Commissioner’s Office once again. (Sheesh, my ears are still bleeding from all the cussing and swearing!) Sorry, Brew Crew, you never had a chance. Like the Boozers pointed out, there’s nothing more troublesome than a motivated Nimrod.
Happy Hopheads vs. Sidehill Gougers
Another mediocre performance from Aaron Rodgers for the Hopheads, while on the other side of this matchup, the Gougers got double-digits from 6 of his players. It seems that Adrian Peterson has finally hit his stride, while Tim Hightower is usurping the once esteemed Edgerrin James. Too bad the Gougers can’t find a TE to save his life, but it looks like he can get by without one. The Hopheads’ TE was a dud as well. The Gougers were the high-scoring team this week, and the only team to score over 90 points. Look out folks, for the Gougers may make it to the playoffs anyway!
Homer’s Heroes vs. Brown County Blues
This matchup turned out to be disastrous for the individual players on these two teams. The Heroes lost Michael Pittman to the IR list, and DeAngelo Hall no longer has a job with Oakland. I guess they realized that he was listed on Tim’s roster and no longer wanted any part of him. The Blues trashed yet another quarterback, Kyle Orton, who will be out for at least 2 weeks with an ankle sprain. It sucks to be Pete’s quarterback! The Blues had a shot of stringing together 2 wins in a row, but the FF gods were not with him. The Blues seem to have a solid team on paper, but karma, bad luck or Timmy’s brand of voodoo seem to be working against them. Pete, it’s time for an exorcism in the worst way!
Nonads vs LBNLs
I’m not really sure what to say about this matchup, so I’ve got an anecdote to illustrate it:
Nonads and LBNL were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, LBNL suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Nonads promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled LBNL out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Nonads’ heroic act, she immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered him to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Nonads the news she said, "Nonads, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”
“The bad news is that LBNL, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Nonads replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
ChiTown Shysters vs. Belmont Boozers
The King is dead – Long live the Queen! Woohoo! It took solid performances from Mason Crosby and Baltimore’s DEF and mediocre performances on the other side of the matchup to take down the once undefeated Boozers and to bring his team down to the level of the rest of us knuckleheads. And to top it all off, the Boozers got the lowest score of the week! Oh, the shame! The disgrace! The ugly fall from grace! (Did I lay it on thick enough, Adam?) Yet in spite of a humiliating loss, the Boozers still managed to clinch a playoff spot. What the …! Yes, Boozers, confidence can be sexy, but arrogance, my chronically inebriated friend, is repugnant. We may meet again in the playoffs, but now you’ve been touched by the Curse of the Red Hot Skillet, so you don’t stand a chance. A quote comes to mind – “He has lulled himself into a false sense of competence.” HA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Good luck, Everyone, and remember that there will be a Thursday game this week!
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