Week 5 Wrap Up

Hello everyone, and congratulations on surviving Week 5 of fantasy football in the Clowntown League. I know the burning question on everyone's mind has been, What happened to the Weekly Wrap-ups? Has ChiTown gone docile? For those of you who don't remember (or maybe don't give a flyin' rip and are just reading this blog for the first time) I used to write the wrap-ups after each week's games. Last season I opened up the floor to anyone that wanted to do the wrap-ups, and I got a few guest authors. The Commish had great intentions of getting them done, but he's too busy doing his Commissioner-y things, like fielding phone calls from all you sorry chumps that signed up for this season. (I swear, some of you can yak and yak and yak like a bunch of hens!)

And for those of you who noticed, yes, there is yet another new look to the blog. Word from the rumor mill said that some of you manly men were unsure of the Twitter bird at the top of the page. So that you all would not continue to feel threatened by the bird, I've changed up the look. If you have any further comments or opinions about the look of the blog, you can file the complaints with the Commissioner. I'll be sure it makes it to the prominent "round file."

Normally by this time in the season I would have noted a few great zingers found in our league's smacktalk, but the pickings have been rather slim. Hello??! Is this thing on? What's happening here? Is this like the junior high school dance where everyone shows up but nobody dances? I can understand that some of the ribbing happens at work when you see each other. That's fine. But when you're in this league, you've gotta BUH-RING it (translation: get under your opponent's skin, antagonize him, put your game face on, and so on). If you're still shy, we can have an ice cream social to get started. (That's sarcasm, folks.)

Let's move on the the wrap-up then:

OxyMorons vs. Deadly Poopflingers
Having been on the receiving end of the Poopflingers attack, I know that it can be relentless. And now the fecal wonders are on a roll. (No pun intended.) The Oxymorons were close to a victory at the end of Sunday's games. Bobbo even had the newly traded Braylon Edwards in on Monday night, showing off his newly rediscovered skills while the DP had played all of his roster spots. Apparently he CAN catch the ball at times. But not enough to save the Oxymorons. Now the Deadly Poopflingers are 5-0. Undefeated. Without a loss. Are you getting the picture here? (Just between you and me, I was secretly hoping for the DP to win because it would be a sure sign of the Curse of the Red Hot Skillet.)


sidehill gougers vs. LAST BUT NOT LEAST
What can you say about a matchup where one team cannot find the caps lock key, the other doesn't know how to disengage it? It was a decisive victory for the gougers, yet Garrard got flattened by Seattle, so no points for the gougers' QB. His fantasy stud was WR Roddy White who pulled in 23 pts, one of which was for a solo tackle. If the gougers find a quarterback worth his salt, this team may be one to watch out for in the coming weeks. LBNL has been happy with his boy, Eli, and the Giants DEF, but how can he continue to stomach having Marion Barber on his team? Sleeping with the enemy, eh? It didn't pay off this week with a weak 2 pts from Barber. Your Giants players may have done well, but the rest of your team is looking like their heading for walkers and bedpans at the ol' folks home.


Southern Maulers vs. sunday brew crew
The short bus continues to roll on, and the brew crew's Trojan continues to flirt shamelessly with every warm body it its path. By the way, if your dog is in heat, you might want to steer it clear of the winking Trojan. It was another decisive victory here, with the brew crew coming out on top. I mean, with the brew crew winning the matchup. (I don't know the Chris personally, but I have my suspicions.) THe Maulers continue to rely on stud Adrian Peterson, and if you look at his team, you will understand why. His weak WR corps had totally underwhelming performances. And it was quite the daring move to play Miami DEF. That gamble yielded a whole 1 point for the Maulers. If it weren't for the respectable points (19) from Kurt Warner, I would think that this team is pretty mediocre. For the Trojan with the eye tick, it was the 2nd victory of the season in spite of 0 pts from Derrick Mason WR and Terrence McGee DB. Great showing from TE Kellen Winslow. Who woulda thunk?

Texas Twisters vs. Eagles 44 Cowboys 6
The Twisters only player in double digits was QB Tony Romo. I'll always be amazed by man-crushes (mystified, befuddled, etc.), how a guy can get so "attached" and "worked up" for Romo. Even as a girl I don't find myself swooning for him and his goofy mug. But the Twisters are just that - twisted. Hold on. Wait just a minute--I've just learned from the Commissioner's Office that there is some breaking news coming out about Tony Romo. It turns out that he is related to a famous television personality. Apparently they are twins separated at birth and are just now reuniting. Sorry Timmy, but you have earned the low score of the week at 36, with -3 from JAX DEF, no pts from Crayton and McGahee, and a total of 3 pts from your entire receiving corps. Geez Tim, there's no other way to say this -- you suck. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!) For our New Kid on the Block - of the 2 PHI players, only one got any points, Akers. Hey Rookie - who in the world told you that "Eagles 44 Cowboys 6" would be a good name for a team? How the hell are we supposed to cheer for you (or against you) when we can't even say your team name while under the influence of several beers (and more)? Some words of advice to you: McNabb has to bring it with every start now, with Vick waiting not-so-patiently in line for his job and Kevin Kolb not too far behind. Kolb became the 1st QB to throw for 300 yards in his first two career starts. All that in-fighting can't be too healthy for PHI in the long run.

ChiTown Shmartipants vs. Dallas Demons
The Demons got production from every player except San Fran DEF who gave up 45 points to Atlanta. Now don't think that I didn't notice your "avatar," Robert. You always seem to put on the demon-molesting-the-white-chick stuff whenever you and I have a match up. Like Romo, I'm guessing you have a "type" as well, favoring those vapid blonde chicks. That's just great, man, more power to you. But you might want to consider the meaning of "Don't Ask -- Don't Tell." Getting back to the matter at hand.... I truly was unsure about how this matchup was going to turn out, especially since I got the endorsement from Timmy the Greek. It usually means the opposite of whatever Tim predicts for my team. And I had to take a risk with a move that didn't work out as I had planned, but luck was on my side. Thanks for the game, Robert, and for crying out loud, get a girlfriend.

That's our week in a nutshell. Good luck in Week 6, everyone. And if you have some thoughts or something to say about this wrap-up, I respond only to constructive criticism. Rude comments will guarantee that you will lose to me the next time we play each other. Just sayin'.