Week 10 Wrap-Up

So here we are again on a Saturday afternoon, lazy and unmotivated. This afternoon at the Commissioner's Office we are supposed to be getting a call from the Morons manager who will be driving through on his way to Louisville. We have some time to kill, so in the meantime, I'm having a chat with the Commissioner, speculating on what's different this year about the Clowntown Clan and its managers. It's been a quiet season, not much smack, not much conversation. Everyone has been "too busy" to enjoy themselves. Or so they say.

I don't know most of you personally, so it's hard to talk trash or smack without wondering if I'm offending anyone. But then the moment passes. It's been a hard year in between seasons for most of us -- crappy economic conditions, wars, job changes, skyrocketing living expenses and dwindling incomes and reserves. I speculated further with the Commish on how this is affecting the league, and he theorized that managers might be feeling the pressures of everyday life and not finding an outlet in our fantasy football league. This is heavy stuff, man! Sheesh! We've all gotten so wrapped up in our individual lives and problems that we too often forget to blow off some steam by ribbing our fellow managers.

Well, to quote Sarah Palin, that's bullcrap! Suck it up, people! There's no crying or whining in football! This is what every red-blooded American strives for: no-effort, open and vicarious competition known as fantasy football.

So the lack of enthusiasm and participation (yeah, you slackers know who you are) has to come from some other reason. I mean, c'mon! If we all were to cower in a corner every time the Dow Jones takes a dip, we might as well all move back home with Mama and start buying skids of Depends. (No offense if anyone is actually using the product right now.) My theory is that some of you, being the simple-minded folk that you are, don't yet know and understand how smack talk works. Yes, that's right! It is a brilliant conclusion! I'm betting that some of you have not read the Beginners' Guide to Fantasy Smack Talk. Let me quote:

The ability to smack talk is a critical skill to being a successful fantasy sports coach.

Did you get that? It is a critical skill. Not optional, not nicey-nicey, not "Oh! Wouldn't this be interesting." CRITICAL.

I've seen glimmers of this critical skill from some of you. Some of you have failed miserably with your attempts. That's ok, because now we know. We know that you're unskilled, untrained, unpolished. Luckily we have an answer for that. I could tell you all to "grow a pair" and use them. But then how would you respond? (heh heh)

Gonzalez, wife appear nude for PETA | ajc.com

Gonzalez, wife appear nude for PETA  | ajc.com

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Photo of the Week

President Obama’s not-so-cryptic message to Glenn Beck and the FOX News crew.

Did he take a page from the Governator’s book on inter-personal skills?

Week 8 Predictions

Week 8 Predictions

I must be getting soft in my old age. I can't think of a single rant for this week. Try as I might I am stumped.

I was going to raise hell about Congress badgering Goodell this week but then I said to myself, as much as it is bull crap that congress seems to think they have any business getting in the middle of football I feel Goodell deserves a thrashing just as much. They guy is a big time hypocrite and he dserves a taste of his own hypocricy.

Then I thought maybe I would bitch about Larry Johnson getting suspended because he called someone a fag. I mean it is lame that a guy gets suspended for name calling. How petty is that? But then I thought to myself, well it is Larry Johnson. He got away with hitting a woman and for spitting in anothers face so he got what he had coming. It just seems funny to me that he can slap a woman in public and get away with it but he calls a coach a fag and they becide that is going too far. I don't know about you guys but I think that is ass backwards.

There is a story I read this week that interested me and I can hardly wait to see the outcome. I read that the Browns fans are planning a sit out for the first set of downs on the Browns week 10 Monday night game in protest of the constant loosing. They want to send a message to the owner. I think this would be funny as hell if they pulled that one off.

On to the predictions

Chitown VRS LBNL:

LBNL is in sorry shape this week. Dude, swap out kickers, dump that sorry safety and pick up a tight end. You might have a chance if you do that. Chitown has two WR’s that if they do play, probably won’t last an entire game. You can’t afford to lay down this week. Your at 2 – 5. This is no time to get cocky. You’ll wind up taking one on the chin if you do.
Chitown has a bad ass backfield and a killer QB but she is beatable due to WR’s that are going to come up lame.
My bet is that LBNL gets out-Shmarted this week.
Prediction: Chitown wins this by 12

Blues VRS Birdbrains:

Birdbrians…This guy is never going to get a real team name is he? Give him credit though. He has been racking up the points. However I think Opie has his work cut out for him this week. Despite his record, the Blues are no pushover. He has a great backfield and halfway decent receivers. The one position that should worry him is QB. You never know how McNabb will perform any given week. However…. I think McNabb will pick up his game against the Giants. This is a big game for Philly. They will show up for this one and give it a good shot. Not that they will win but they will step it up and McNabb will make the difference this week.
Prediction: I think this is the upset of the week and the Blues pull this one off by a 3 point win.

Boozer VRS Maulers:

Looks like another matchup with someone leaving an empty roster spot. Maulers must think Chris Henry is worth hanging on too. HA! If I were you Gabe, I would dump that bum. There are plenty other sorry ass receivers that would fill his slot perfectly. He isn’t worth risking a loss this week. Trust me dude, you could throw him out there on waivers and nobody is going to touch him. But of course you are the short bus rider so it is a pretty sure bet that you will make a retard move if you did swap out so you might as leave well enough alone. My bet is that the Boozers brew up a W this week
Prediction: Boozers win by 10


Demons VRS Morons:

This will be one Hell-of-a matchup. Halloween weekend is the Demons time to flare up. However, he will really be burning because he is going to get outwitted by a Moron. Damn it to hell, ‘eh Robert?
Prediction: Morons win this by 5

Brewcrew VRS Poopflingers:
Bye weeks are hell huh guys? It forces you to put some pretty lame players. How else can you explain the likes of Lance More, Steve Breaston, or Lee Evans? It’s a sad state of affairs when your defensive players are projected to score 2 X of all your WR’s ‘eh Lou? You better hope Vernon Davis to gets you 3 TD’s again this week because your not getting even one between all 3 of your receivers. You’ll be lucky to get 7 points between all three of those bums. Bot of course that is all your gonna need to beat the Brew Crew this week.
Prediction: Poopflingers pull another one outta his butt this week and win by 8

Gougers VRS my Twisters:

This one worries me. Gougers have Rivers up against the Raiders. He could pile up a ton of points with this guy this week. Roddy White is another fear factor and so is Turner. I’m afraid that Atlanta and the Saints are going to have a shoot out. Owens
Daniels is a concern but Crabtree & Avery are a couple jokes.
I have some favorable match ups myself. I think Slaton has a good shot at multiple TD’s against Buffalo and I am banking on Romo & Miles Austin hooking up for multiple touch downs again. I also hope that if Rivers racks ‘em up against Oakland he does that by throwing to my boy Jackson. Even Johnny Fort Knox has a real shot at double digits by being matched up against the lowly Browns.
Prediction: My Twisters win this by 7

WEEK 7 PREDICTIONS

Week 7 Predictions

Week seven is the week I have been dreading. Another NFL game played across the pond. I have not been impressed with the last 2 years played in London. The field was a mess. It will be again this week. The fans have no understanding of the game and their sportscasters know even less. I don’t know about you folks but I couldn’t understand half of what those nitwit sportscasters said last year. I am sure it will be no different this year. Who ever heard of giving a play by play in “proper English” anyway? It sounds so gay. They might as well have Dennis Miller come back to the broadcast booth. I may just shoot myself.

Friggin Goodell is now predicting multiple games overseas in places such as London, Manchester and Glasgow, Scotland. Scotland? What the hell is wrong with this guy? What will the mandated uniforms be in Scotland? They gonna make ‘em play in kilts? Boy, I bet if that happens it will put the kibosh on any butt slapping for that game! I can just see it now. All those studs strutting around in kilts wearing nothing underneath but a cup. Boy that is gonna require some quick editing. If you think the Jannet Jackson costume snafoo caused some editors heartache just wait to see what a pile up of 300 + pound NFL players in kilts will do to ‘em. They will all have a friggin stroke.

Goodell also said in an interview he expects that soon every team will be playing one game a year overseas. Oh, that will go over like a brick. I think that is such a crock that every team will loose one home game a year so he can expand the NFL to Europe. Doesn’t that dimwith know that the N in NFL stands for National? What a moron!

He also says he expects London to be the next expansion team. God I hope they do. I can hardly wait to see a great American team go over and pound the crap out of a bunch of fag tea toting, ruby playing American football wannabees. Maybe after we put one of the Queens QB’s six feet underground they will wake up and realize that England has no place in American football. But then again, Goodell is a true blue, world class, dumb ass. He will never learn.

I find it interesting that yesterday Governor Scwartzniger announced approval for LA to build a new professional football stadium in order to draw back an NFL team. Then today Goodell announces London should be the next expansion team. Man, I hope Arnald goes Terminator on this jack ass.

Well, that’s my two cents on that subject.


Demons VRS LBNL:
LBNL, you’re my new hero. Last week you saved me from having the low score of the week for the third week of this season. Way to go dude! I knew you were still my buddy. It looks like you may be on course to do it again this week. You have an empty DL spot. You have in Cotchery who is listed as out and then you have Steve Smith from the Panthers who will be a no show as he has been all year. Oh, and lets not forget.. you have Eli as your QB. Need I say more?
Now the Demons on the other hand has patched together a pretty decent team after a slow start on the year. I think he will be a formidable team for the rest of the year. He will surely make the playoffs with this line up. The only concern he will have is Brett’s health. If Frarve can stay healthy the Demons could go very deep into the playoffs.
Prediction: Demons win this by 9

Gougers VRS Maulers
Both the Maulers and Gougers have very good teams. But I don’t think this will be a very good week for either teams RB’s. Peterson is not going to rack ‘em up against the Steelers and I’ll bet Gore gets hurt again this week. Maroney will have a rough go at it in London. That field is going to be a big sloppy muddy mess. I don’t see him gaining many yards. I don’t see Turner running for more than 65 yards against my Cowboys. I think this matchup is coming down to the QB’s and D’s. The Gougers have the advantage with Rivers against KC & the Eagles D against the Redskins.
Prediction: Gougers win this by 7

Chitown VRS Da Blues:
Brees VRS McNabb. Need I say more? I think not.
Prediction: Chitown wins this by 14

Boozers VRS Morons:
The Morons keep finding new ways to loose. Even when Brady throws for 5 touchdowns in a single quarter Bob still manages to amaze us with a spectacular loss! Will he stay true to form? I think not. It’s been a hoot to watch such cartoonish performances. It’s been like watching the coyote attempting to snag the roadrunner in one of his half cocked traps. However all good things must come to an end as so too will this amazing entertainment. I think this week is yours Bob. The projections say otherwise and that is exactly why I think you have a W coming.
Prediction: Morons win this one by 4

Brew Crew VRS Birdbrains:
I don’t know how much power the Commissioner wields but if you have the authority Lou please, please do something about this team name! I mean common Opie, are you ever gonna get a real name for that team? Gee wiz!
Well, this is one even I can’t get wrong. It looks like Brew Crew is willing to take a loss rather than to make any bye week adjustments. He managed a win with one empty slot last week but this week he has multiple empty slots so I don’t see him pulling it off again.
Prediction: Opie wins this by 15

Poopflingers VRS Twisters:
The Poopflinger will loose that undefeated status this week. Not because my team is all that great. As a matter of fact, my team stinks. But this week is not a matter of who has the better team. This is all about good VRS evil. Captain Homer and Bart Boy will defeat the Deadly Poopflingers. It is going to be such an ugly embarrassing win that the Poopflingers will go suicidal. I even know how you will off yourself when it is over. Click on the link bellow if you care to see your demise Lou.



In the spirit of Halloween I would like to sign off with this tidbit.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief willcover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and heReceives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover yourWooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint.. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BESTPlease find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Week 6 Wrap Up

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, something I look forward to every week. But now I've just realized that I haven't gotten the Wrap Up done. Dangit! And now the Commish wants to compare NFL defenses, going over schedules and statistics. A football wife's job is never done.

So let's hurry up and take a look at how Week 6 went:

sidehill gougers vs. Oxymorons
It's always a remarkable thing when you can get the gougers talk a little smack. They didn't do much in person when they were here at the Commissioner's Office last weekend. Too much female interference, I suppose. Or maybe they were still in their food comas and couldn't respond to external stimuli. Whatever the case may be, their teams fought it out until the end, making the Monday night game a teeter-tooter finish. Who would have thought that Eddie Royal would return 2 kickoffs for touchdowns??! Unbelievable!! The gougers are now 5-1, moving like a steamroller. Bobbo, it's time to rethink your strategy, whatever it may be. Nowhere to go but UP from here!

Dallas Demons vs. Brown County Blues
The Demons have managed to come up with another Gothic avatar. His attempt to get all "biblical" on the BC Blues actually yielded him a win. He had a good combination with Favre and DeAngelo Williams, and even left his DL spot empty. (Either he was so arrogant that he didn't think that he needed it or he pulled the same bonehead move that I tried a couple weeks ago.) Pete, all I can is that your faith in Donovan McNabb is... is... befuddling. But there is something about your team that challenges the health of every quarterback that you own. In looking back at the history of it all, McNabb hasn't been very productive for you. He's been the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe, the fly in your ointment, the lack of wind in your sails. But don't take your eyes off of the Blues, folks. The team can be scrappy!

Southern Maulers vs. Deadly Poopflingers
The short bus has come to an abrupt halt. Please remain in your seats, folks, because the poop is really flying now! The Maulers had a respectable score, 81 fantasy points, with a great game from Julius Peppers -- 13 points -- what a brute! But the Poopflingers racked up 117 points, 29 of which were from Matt Schaub. MATT SCHAUB??! Whaaat? How does a quarterback get that many points while on a crappy team? Perhaps we underestimated that HOU-CIN matchup. But I think I've figured out the Poopflingers secret: We're so disgusted by the team name that we've become overwhelmed with mental images of poopy diapers, animal feces hurling through the air, and manure piles. Quite repulsive, eh? See! He's gotten into our heads and used our own disgusting fears against us! We've got to stand up to him and arm ourselves with hip waders, rubber gloves and gallons of Clorox! C'mon! Whose with me?!

Belmont Boozers vs. LAST BUT NOT LEAST
So we have finally dented that cocky, bling exterior of the Boozers. He's ready to consider trade offers for T.O. in exchange for a six pack of room-temperature Schlitz. (Hey Boozers, will you consider Old Milwaukee? Bud Light? Colt 45? Billy beer?) I think it's safe to say that the man has no standards or taste buds. In spite of his horse trading (or is it just horseshit?) the Boozers managed to pull off a win against LBNL. It was an easy win, considering that LBNL managed to get only 57 points, low score of the week. All I can say is that it's a good thing that you're a homer, LBNL!

Texas Twisters vs. sunday brew crew
Timmy, you were saved by LBNL from the title of low score of the week. But you didn't do much to hold back the happy trojan from getting the better of you. (Yeah, think hard about that one!) The brew crew even left his DEF spot empty and still managed to beat the Twisters. Apparently the Dallas bye week was all the brew crew needed to defeat the Twisters. But to be honest, those Dallas players would not have helped stop this backslide that seems to be gaining momentum. Maybe if the Twisters weren't so distracted by the brew crew's winking and cheesy smile, there might have been some hope.

Eagles 44 Cowboys 6 vs. ChiTown Shmartipants
For a grown man to have such an attachment to a character from a teeny-bopper show from the 80's is truly disturbing. It's all I can say about the Eagles blah blah blah team. We haven't heard anything from this manager - it's always the quiet ones that you have to watch out for. You're never quite sure what they're REALLY thinking. I was lucky in that Brian Dawkins sat out most of the Monday night game with an injury. He was the Eagles blah blah blah's last hope. Better luck against the brew crew!

By the way, if you haven't noticed, Anquan Boldin is on the trading block. Make me an offer I can't refuse (no skunk beers, though).

Week 6 Predictions

WEEK 6 PREDICTIONS

Well, let’s face it folks. The Cowboys are on a bye this week so football won’t even be worth watching. Might as well just bench all our players and call it a wash. C’mon Brew Crew, go for it!

Last week I ragged on the pitiful play of last years studs. The player output of week 5 did absolutely nothing to sway my position. However, can I say they alone are to blame? Duh! Of course not. An overwhelming majority of these guys are coached or have owners that ride the Maulers short bus. Some even have the built in tandem excuse. An idiot owner and dip shit coach! Now who could I be talking about you ask.

Let’s see now… We have the Raiders. Their owner has got to be the biggest punk in all of the NFL which may explain why his head coach beats the tar out of his coordinators and his team line up resembles San Quintin D block

The Browns are another class act. It’s a no wonder they can’t even get 30 yards in pass completions against the lowly Bills. Who the hell let’s a pro bowl T.E. go with no viable replacement then waits until game day of week 1 to announce their starting QB only to change it a couple weeks latter and tops it off with trading the only starting WR on their roster?

My Cowboys have a control freak for an owner, a cupcake for a coach and a red headed stepchild for an offensive coordinator! Now don’t get me wrong. I actually believe Jerry Jones is a great owner. He pays his players well. He has a deep desire to win and wants to do all he can to put together a winning team (not that he does). He built an incredible new stadium and he knows how to sell. He just makes a terrible manager. He needs to do like every owner should .. pay the money to get the players, get a top shelf coach, let that coach run the team then sit back and shut the hell up. Oh yeah, and keep your ugly ass kids out of the front office. They don’t know squat either!

Then we have the Rams. They might as well let Rush buy the team. I doubt that could get any worse. Actually I think it would be very appropriate. A team that blows owned by a blowhard!

The Redskins… tightwad owner…wannabe coach. The Panthers owners are an entire family of pampered, spoiled ass rich kids that are feuding which has had absolutely disastrous effects on that team. Tampa… aw hell, who cares! Detroit …. Not wasting my time. The Bills are going to Canada soon so who gives a crap any more. ‘Eh? KC is one more fine example.

Folks be prepared. This is going to be the lowest output in the history of fantasy football. Our winners will not be determined by who has the best studs. It is a question of which players suck less.

On to the predictions.

Poopflinger VRS Maulers:
Can the Poopflingers pull another one outta his ass? I think the Maulers are good competition but the fact is Poopflingers isn’t just full of crap. This guy has a golden spoon up his butt this year. The deciding factor will be Schaub. How well will he perform? If he throws for at leat 2 TD’s the game will be Poopflingers. If not, the maulers will be scraping you off his shoes Lou.
Prediction: Poopflingers win by 3

Boozers VRS LBNL:
Take a look at my smack talk in this match up. Pan up to the top and start from the beginning. You will see what I think of that LBNL line up.
Prediction: Boozers crush LBNL by 14 or more

Gougers VRS Morons:
Bob tells me he is going to go into the playoffs with the worst record and lowest score. I believe it! Well at least I buy half of it. Wanna guess which half I buy?
Prediction: Gougers win this big. 15 or more


Shmartipants VRS Birdbrains:
Dave, you are thick headed aren’t you? Man, it is a collective agreement in the league. You gotta change that friggin name. And that avatar has gotta go too. People are starting to talk about you bud.
Birdbrains has been formidable. The projections shown you beating Chitown by a good margin. However, I think you’re a fluke. A mistake. Just plain unnatural. Good things must come to an end and your time has come
Prediction:
Chitown wins by 7

Demons VRS Blues:
Who can tell for sure? Demons has half his roster empty. Well, actually history tells no lies. Full roster or half roster, this is still easy to call. Robert, your ass is grass.
Prediction: Blues win by 10 or more

Brew Crew VRS my Twisters:
If it looks like shit, smells like shit then it must be shit. What else can I say
Prediction: Brew Crew wins by 7

Games of the Week

From the Commish’s Cubbie Hole

Verne Lundquist is either a jerk, a moron, or a senile old man! Maybe he’s all three!

He consistently butchers names, miscalls field positions and lacks any sense of judgment. I was surprised to hear Donte Stallworth had injured his knee in the Alabama-Arkansas game. This is surprising for a number of reasons. Apparently during his time under house arrest, Stallworth was able to convince the NCAA to allow him another year of eligibility. I wonder how Roger Goodell feels about the NCAA's decision.

On several occasions Verne misled listeners as to where plays were occurring on the field. One specific incident was on a kickoff return that came out to the 37 yard line... or was it the 17? In a game of inches how important is 20 yards?

The grossest error Verne made came at the detriment of Sophomore Mark Ingram. On one Ingram carry, Lundquist randomly pointed out that Mark Ingram Sr. was incarcerated. No further explanation. No praise for Jr. for persevering. Nothing. Just one random comment to fill empty air. To make matters worse, he later made light of this fact with his play-by-play commentary. Mark Ingram was given a hand-off and the Arkansas defense had him surrounded and he went down around the line of scrimmage and this was Verne's call...

"Here's Ingram with the hand-off and... ooopp... Ingram's in jail." Well, ‘nuff said about this idiocy…on to the games.

Blowout of the Week: I don't even know if it's worth writing up a game analysis... The Raiders are that bad. Oakland has no pass rush. Outside of a game against the Texans and their pathetic offensive line, the Raiders have only five sacks in four games. Chris Johnson is also really struggling across from Nnamdi Asomugha, so Donovan "titty baby" McNabb will keep tossing it to Jeremy Maclin and Brent Celek, while DeSean Jackson is tied up with the NFL's top cornerback. Andy Reid neglected to run the ball against the Buccaneers. It didn't hurt him because Tampa Bay is terrible, but it'll eventually cost him. But not this week. If Big Red decides to pound the rock, he'll have major success versus Oakland's pathetic rush defense.

The offense is where it gets really bad. JaMarcus "I'm too sexy for my jersey" Russell has absolutely no idea what to do once he takes the snap from his center. Russell has no pocket awareness, he turns the ball over like Rex Grossman, and when he actually has time to throw, he can't deliver the ball anywhere near his target. The Raiders have lost their last three games by a combined score of 96-16. This isn't because they're just that bad; it really has to do with the fact that Tom Cable will be arrested soon. I've never been incarcerated, but I can't imagine Tom Cable being focused on football right now. How can he possibly prepare a decent game plan with the thought of going to jail on his mind?

Prediction: Eagles 44, Raiders 0

Surprise of the Week: This week on Monday Night Football, we get to see the 5-0 Broncos take on their hated rival San Diego. Unfortunately, we're going to have Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden calling the shots instead of Emmitt "Dancing with the Idiots" Smith, Herm and Eagles Television Network guy Kevin Reilly (a huge homer who called Maurice Jones-Drew "Maurice Drew-Jones" and Torry Holt "Terry Holt"). Here's how it would sound if Reilly, Emmitt and Herm were in the booth for this game:

Kevin Reilly: Welcome to San Francisco, the City of Lights! Tonight, we have Kyle Morton and the Denver Nuggets taking on the San Francisco Chargers! As I said last week, I don't follow the AFC, so guys, tell me if I should expect a great matchup!

Emmitt: It will definitely be good matchup! At the beginning of the week, or the beginning of the season, everyone and their stepmother doubt Josh McDonald's. Everyone say he is too young, too inexperience, too small, too not powerful. Now, he have the Broncos at 5-0. And the only thing better than 5-0 is 6-0, or maybe 7-0.

Reilly: Wow, it surprises me that the Broncos are undefeated, Emmitt. I thought they were 1-4. What about the Chargers, Coach? Do they still have LaDainian Turner?

Herm: The Chargers still have LT, but the running lanes are the opposite of 7-11! They're never closed! I mean they're always open! Only it's the opposite! It's the opposite! The opposite!

Reilly: Emmitt, my stat sheet says that the Chargers are 2-2. I picked them to go to the playoffs. What do they have to do to make my prediction come true?

Emmitt: San Diego have to get back to the basic. They stop runnin' the football and they stop stopping the runnin' of the football. If they manage to do both thing, they will be business.

Reilly: Emmitt, football is a confusing game. Coach, what does Denver have to do to improve to 7-0?

Herm: Let's look at Kyle Orton! Let's look! Let's take a look at Orton! Let's look! There he is! There's Kyle Orton! Look at what Orton can do! Look at it! Look! Here's what he can do! Here it is! I'll tell you what it is! Orton needs to... uhh... umm...

Reilly: We'll be back after a word from our local sponsors!

Prediction: Chargers 26, Broncos 20

Ambush of the Week: Rodney Harrison called Terrell Owens a selfish clown Sunday night. If you haven't seen it, here was Owens' exact response on Twitter:

"I could (care) less about Rodney Harrison! Anybody tht using steroids, yes STEROIDS rodney, is a cheater & cheated the game! Is tht Y u used steroids b/c u were worried about ur stats or ws it b/c u were losing it? Lol! U're a loser & a cheater? Got any steroids I cn borrow?"

It's hard to make fun of Owens here because he already made himself sound like a 13-year-old girl having a Twitter war with another 8th-grader. But here's the thing: If Owens couldn't care less about Rodney Harrison, why did he Tweet about him? Could it be that I found a flaw in Owens' logic? No, that's not possible because Owens is the best human being who has ever lived, isn’t he?

The Vikings are getting to be well known for their “Williams Wall” and their ability to stop the run, but they haven't exactly been consistently dominant in that department all year. Minnesota is 11th versus the rush, and while that's decent, it pales in comparison to how great they were at shutting down opposing ground attacks last year.

Meanwhile, Ray Rice (owned by Brown County Blues) should be able to have a nice game both running and catching balls out of the backfield. The Ravens have a great offensive line that should be able to blast open some holes for him. Speaking of which, Joe Flacco received great news when John Harbaugh announced that there is a very good chance left tackle Jared Gaither could return to the lineup. Flacco was constantly pressured against the Bengals without his blind-side protector. Gaither should be able to neutralize Jared Allen (boo hoo, Boozers) and allow Flacco to torch Minnesota's 19th-ranked secondary.

If you're an Adrian Peterson fantasy owner (Southern Maulers, this means you), consider yourself lucky if Peterson nets 60 yards and a touchdown this week. Though the Ravens just surrendered 120 yards to Cedric Benson, they should be able to shore things up and live up to their number 3 ranking versus the rush. But even with Peterson stymied, that doesn't mean that the Vikings won't be able to move the chains. The Ravens struggle to stop the pass. Philip Rivers, Carson Palmer and a hobbled Tom Brady threw all over their pedestrian secondary. Brett Favre (woo-hoo Dallas Demons) is playing really well right now and getting more comfortable with his receivers each week. He'll have a great game, though if I were a Minnesota fan, I'd still be worried about the occasional careless heave into triple coverage.

With a two-game road trip coming up against the Steelers and Packers, you have to wonder how much this non-conference game really means to the Vikings. Meanwhile, the Ravens will be looking to snap their two-game losing streak.

Prediction: Ravens 24, Vikings 23

Pick of the Week: My GrantSelect business email address is published all over the Internet, so I tend to get a lot of spam and junk mail. Each week, I want to share one strange email by posting it for your entertainment. Here is this week's sample:

“PLEASE READ AND REPLY VERY URGENTLY.
FROM: MR MOHAMMED ALPHA

“Dear Friend:

“Assalamu aalaykum warahmatu Allahi wabarakatuhu”

“Please in the name of God i ask for your little time to read this message carefully to the excellency of our mutual benefit. So please read this email very gently and tell me what you think, if we can transact it together or not. And please after reading, if it does not interest you please kindly delet the mail and keep the secret of what you red within you.”

What's weird about this is that he didn't send anything further. So, unless the jibberish at the top means something significant, I'm not sure what's so secretive about this email.

Actually, this got me thinking... What if those five weird Arabic words are something important, like Osama bin Laden's home address? For that reason, Mr. Mohammed Alpha, I will be publishing your email so that if those words do mean something super secretive, the authorities can see it and they can eliminate terrorism. Don't ever say I never served my country.

Oh, by-the-way, some of us (OxyMorons, Shmartipants, Gougers, yours truly, and a few other football experts) are getting together this weekend to watch the BIG GAME. Yea…much was made of Eli Manning's (boo-hoo for the boo-boo, LBNL) heel last week. The Giants didn't even announce that he would play until an hour before the game. However, Eli came out, took his first snap under center, planted on that heel, and delivered a perfect 9-yard pass to Marcy Darcy Johnson. Eli's fine, but he faces a tough challenge this week against the Saints defense (grabbed by the Shmartipants recently). How often do you get to say that? New Orleans has really done a great job improving its stop unit; the team is ranked eighth versus the rush and sixth against the pass. That said, it's pretty tough to stop the Giants. Their offensive line is so good at run blocking and pass protecting that it allows Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw to burst through wide-open holes, permitting Manning to orchestrate some play-action fakes to his talented receivers. Steve Smith, Mario Manningham and now Hakeem Nicks have proven just how great they are this year.

Likewise, the Giants have an excellent defense, but will have big trouble stopping the Saints. You can't blitz Drew Brees. Like Peyton Manning, he's so good at finding the hot receiver. Thus, New York will have to get constant pressure from its defensive line. That usually works (the Giants have 14 sacks on the year), but New Orleans' offensive front is one of the league’s best. Brees should have a clean pocket for most of this game.

The Giants rank just 21st against the run, but that number is skewed because most of the yardage came in the second half of the Dallas game when Justin Tuck was out of the lineup. New York is excellent versus the rush, but even with that in mind, I could see Pierre Thomas (hurray for me) having a decent performance; New Orleans' offensive line is just that good.

Prediction: Giants 34, Saints 31

Well, there you have it, top-secret predictions prior to game time straight from the Commish’s Cubbie Hole. Okay, okay, one more classic email for the road:

“Hello teacher, are you vacant.

“I m Dr lemmy matt Cole 49 years old, i m an engineer i'm currently working with a construction compnay here in Montreal Canada.

“My daughter (vicky) will be coming down to your location, in 2weeks time for vacation and i don't want her to be less busy without doing something, and I have make decision that she should be attending your lessons.

“Vicky is 19 years old, she love swiming for fun, So she will be coming for 3 hours a day (9am to 12pm) 4times a week or at your lectsure period, so i need you to calculate the cost for 4 weeks lessons and i will want us to make an arrangement for a good Hotel for her in your area where she will be staying for the period of the vacations.”

Oh boy, are you guys thinking what I’m thinking? A hot girl is coming to my classroom (even though I’m not a teacher any longer). I don't even have a classroom, but I can't wait! All I had to do is give this guy my credit card number so he can book a room for Vicky. I think it'll be worth it, don’t you?

And no, I'm not worried he'll steal my identity or my money...how can you not trust a 49-year-old engineer named Dr. Lemmy Matt Cole? Am I vacant? Hell yes!

See you all next week….after Vicky’s vacation.

Week 5 Wrap Up

Hello everyone, and congratulations on surviving Week 5 of fantasy football in the Clowntown League. I know the burning question on everyone's mind has been, What happened to the Weekly Wrap-ups? Has ChiTown gone docile? For those of you who don't remember (or maybe don't give a flyin' rip and are just reading this blog for the first time) I used to write the wrap-ups after each week's games. Last season I opened up the floor to anyone that wanted to do the wrap-ups, and I got a few guest authors. The Commish had great intentions of getting them done, but he's too busy doing his Commissioner-y things, like fielding phone calls from all you sorry chumps that signed up for this season. (I swear, some of you can yak and yak and yak like a bunch of hens!)

And for those of you who noticed, yes, there is yet another new look to the blog. Word from the rumor mill said that some of you manly men were unsure of the Twitter bird at the top of the page. So that you all would not continue to feel threatened by the bird, I've changed up the look. If you have any further comments or opinions about the look of the blog, you can file the complaints with the Commissioner. I'll be sure it makes it to the prominent "round file."

Normally by this time in the season I would have noted a few great zingers found in our league's smacktalk, but the pickings have been rather slim. Hello??! Is this thing on? What's happening here? Is this like the junior high school dance where everyone shows up but nobody dances? I can understand that some of the ribbing happens at work when you see each other. That's fine. But when you're in this league, you've gotta BUH-RING it (translation: get under your opponent's skin, antagonize him, put your game face on, and so on). If you're still shy, we can have an ice cream social to get started. (That's sarcasm, folks.)

Let's move on the the wrap-up then:

OxyMorons vs. Deadly Poopflingers
Having been on the receiving end of the Poopflingers attack, I know that it can be relentless. And now the fecal wonders are on a roll. (No pun intended.) The Oxymorons were close to a victory at the end of Sunday's games. Bobbo even had the newly traded Braylon Edwards in on Monday night, showing off his newly rediscovered skills while the DP had played all of his roster spots. Apparently he CAN catch the ball at times. But not enough to save the Oxymorons. Now the Deadly Poopflingers are 5-0. Undefeated. Without a loss. Are you getting the picture here? (Just between you and me, I was secretly hoping for the DP to win because it would be a sure sign of the Curse of the Red Hot Skillet.)


sidehill gougers vs. LAST BUT NOT LEAST
What can you say about a matchup where one team cannot find the caps lock key, the other doesn't know how to disengage it? It was a decisive victory for the gougers, yet Garrard got flattened by Seattle, so no points for the gougers' QB. His fantasy stud was WR Roddy White who pulled in 23 pts, one of which was for a solo tackle. If the gougers find a quarterback worth his salt, this team may be one to watch out for in the coming weeks. LBNL has been happy with his boy, Eli, and the Giants DEF, but how can he continue to stomach having Marion Barber on his team? Sleeping with the enemy, eh? It didn't pay off this week with a weak 2 pts from Barber. Your Giants players may have done well, but the rest of your team is looking like their heading for walkers and bedpans at the ol' folks home.


Southern Maulers vs. sunday brew crew
The short bus continues to roll on, and the brew crew's Trojan continues to flirt shamelessly with every warm body it its path. By the way, if your dog is in heat, you might want to steer it clear of the winking Trojan. It was another decisive victory here, with the brew crew coming out on top. I mean, with the brew crew winning the matchup. (I don't know the Chris personally, but I have my suspicions.) THe Maulers continue to rely on stud Adrian Peterson, and if you look at his team, you will understand why. His weak WR corps had totally underwhelming performances. And it was quite the daring move to play Miami DEF. That gamble yielded a whole 1 point for the Maulers. If it weren't for the respectable points (19) from Kurt Warner, I would think that this team is pretty mediocre. For the Trojan with the eye tick, it was the 2nd victory of the season in spite of 0 pts from Derrick Mason WR and Terrence McGee DB. Great showing from TE Kellen Winslow. Who woulda thunk?

Texas Twisters vs. Eagles 44 Cowboys 6
The Twisters only player in double digits was QB Tony Romo. I'll always be amazed by man-crushes (mystified, befuddled, etc.), how a guy can get so "attached" and "worked up" for Romo. Even as a girl I don't find myself swooning for him and his goofy mug. But the Twisters are just that - twisted. Hold on. Wait just a minute--I've just learned from the Commissioner's Office that there is some breaking news coming out about Tony Romo. It turns out that he is related to a famous television personality. Apparently they are twins separated at birth and are just now reuniting. Sorry Timmy, but you have earned the low score of the week at 36, with -3 from JAX DEF, no pts from Crayton and McGahee, and a total of 3 pts from your entire receiving corps. Geez Tim, there's no other way to say this -- you suck. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it!) For our New Kid on the Block - of the 2 PHI players, only one got any points, Akers. Hey Rookie - who in the world told you that "Eagles 44 Cowboys 6" would be a good name for a team? How the hell are we supposed to cheer for you (or against you) when we can't even say your team name while under the influence of several beers (and more)? Some words of advice to you: McNabb has to bring it with every start now, with Vick waiting not-so-patiently in line for his job and Kevin Kolb not too far behind. Kolb became the 1st QB to throw for 300 yards in his first two career starts. All that in-fighting can't be too healthy for PHI in the long run.

ChiTown Shmartipants vs. Dallas Demons
The Demons got production from every player except San Fran DEF who gave up 45 points to Atlanta. Now don't think that I didn't notice your "avatar," Robert. You always seem to put on the demon-molesting-the-white-chick stuff whenever you and I have a match up. Like Romo, I'm guessing you have a "type" as well, favoring those vapid blonde chicks. That's just great, man, more power to you. But you might want to consider the meaning of "Don't Ask -- Don't Tell." Getting back to the matter at hand.... I truly was unsure about how this matchup was going to turn out, especially since I got the endorsement from Timmy the Greek. It usually means the opposite of whatever Tim predicts for my team. And I had to take a risk with a move that didn't work out as I had planned, but luck was on my side. Thanks for the game, Robert, and for crying out loud, get a girlfriend.

That's our week in a nutshell. Good luck in Week 6, everyone. And if you have some thoughts or something to say about this wrap-up, I respond only to constructive criticism. Rude comments will guarantee that you will lose to me the next time we play each other. Just sayin'.

Week 5 Predictions

WEEK 5 PREDICTIONS

What the hell is going on with all last years WR studs this year? Can you folks believe the crappy performance of these guys so far this season? It’s a shame, a low down shame! I mean, who would have seen this coming? Did any of you guys expect this, this, this, this God awfully travesty?

Well, not all of it is a complete surprise. I can understand T.O. This one was expected. He’s with a team that can’t pamper him by throwing every ball his way. Hell, he’s with a team that can’t throw the ball at all! Cry me a river! Sure would hate to be the sucker that drafted that looser! ‘Eh Boozers?

Braylon Edwards was another expected one. Now tell me, is anyone gonna be dumb enough to pick up this no hands clown. Huh Bobbo?

Brandon Marshall is another gimme. The only thing you can bet on that punk catching anytime soon is a stint in the pokey. I can’t believe he hasn’t landed there already. Let’s see now, who is the nut that drafted this crack head Hommie… and the winner is…Brew Crew!

But tell me folks, what is the story with Randy Moss? How about Fitzgerald? Boldin, Gage, Welker, Roddy White, Steve Smith, and Roy Williams? Are they all dropping the ball because they are used to having two balls in their hands while spending two thirds of the game on the bench or are they just leaving too much man jizz in their hands? Somebody please, save the NFL and send these fellas a pack of baby wipes!

I just don’t get it guys! I don’t get it at all. Last years studs are getting the scraps while a bunch of rookies with queer-bait names like Percy, Garson & Collie spank their asses. It’s just friggin embarrassing! They are getting shown up by a fag, Mr. French and friggin Lassie! C’mon! At least let it be Cujo or Air Bud that does it, not Lassie? Who’s next? Bengie? Old Yeller? Friggin Underdog? How about Scooby Doo?

And the QB’s are doing almost as bad. Who would have thought going into this season that Gerrard, Flaco, Palmer, Orton or Cutler would be scoring higher fantasy points than studs like Brady and Romo? Has the world turned upside down? Have these stud QB’s forgot how to throw? No….HELL NO! It’s all these over paid, sissy baby, spoiled ass, WR’s. These damn WR’s are dropping more passes than my cell drops calls. These friggin pansies wannabes couldn’t catch a cold.

C’mon now, I can’t be on an island here, am I? You folks are wondering too, aren’t you? I mean, what has come of the world these days? Is this the National Football League or the National Fag League? This might as well be flag football! I’ll tell you one thing. If I see another Sunday of pitiful performances like I saw last week I’m gonna punt my TV across the room.

Well, I guess I might as well give the predictions a shot. It’s almost impossible to predict with the way all these clowns play now days. But at least the RB’s are showing up for the games. I guess that’s the ticket to success this year. I’ll have to base my predictions on the RB’s and defenses.


Poopflingers VRS Morons:

Can the Poopflingers remain undefeated? If you look at the projection this is a gimme. But you know what? Toss those projections right out the window! I’d say the only projection that is on the money is Braylon Edwards with 2 points. Hell, that may be too generous even.
Yeah, yeah, Poopflingers will win this one but there is no way it will be by 18 points like the Yahoo Gurus project.
Prediction: Poopflingers win this by a hair on their skid mark producing ass.


Blues VRS Boozers

I think Mr. Bling has troubles. Man, don’t you have even one decent WR dude? Yeah, yeah, Lassie has some fantasy points but not this week. Then T.O. & Burleson? Are you kidding me? Hell, you don’t even have one half ass RB to make up for that sorry ass WR line up. Dude, break out the butter because your toast. I have no idea why the yahoo projections have this matchup projected to be so close. I think the Jets D will out score your Stealers D. His WR’s will get 4X and his RB’s will get 2X the points of yours. The only projection even close are for the QB’s.
Prediction: Blues take this by 7 or more.

Maulers VRS Brew Crew:
Well I got run over by the short bus last week. Now it’s your turn Brew Crew. That Bengals D is better than they give credit so your wannabe QA Flaco is defiantly overrated this week. And your WR’s wont score 1/2 of what the projections say. Your RB’s may do you OK and that Buffalo D will score well against the Browns but the Maulers have you out matched with Peterson alone.
Prediction: Maulers win this by 10 or more

Gougers VRS LBNL:
Should I even give this one the time of day? I think not. LBNL is just looking to give this one away.
Prediction: Gougers take this easy. I’ll bet he wins this by 20

Shmaritpant VRS Demons:

The Demons got him a W last week! Woo Hoo! Too bad that is the end of that streak. Shmartipants is going to beat you with one empty slot. Damnit to hell ‘eh Demons? Sorry Dude. You know I love ya Bud but I aint blind man. She’s gonna spank you so bad your gonna wish this week never happened. The only advice I can offer is you sit some guys and leave more empty positions than her so you will at least have an excuse.
Prediction: Shmartipants win this by 14

My Twisters VRS the Birdbrains:
C’mon Dave! Haven’t you thought of a decent name yet? Don’t you have any imagination? Geeze dude. What are we gonna do with you?
Well, the Yahoo projections got you beating me pretty good and in this case I’ll have to say I agree. But I also say, if there is a God, (which by the way I do believe and also believe he is a vengeful God) then your gonna get punished just for making fun of his team.
Prediction: Twisters win this by 3

Week 4 Predictions

Week 4 Predictions

Eagles Smashers VRS Opie
Great name change Robert. I sure hope you live up to it. Your line up sure doesn’t have me convinced. Wayne & Whitten are those the only studs you got? I don’t know dude. It doesn’t look good for you. Tell ya what I’m ganna do. I’ll break out the voodoo on Opie.
The Eagles have……Clark and ………..well…………OK, Rogers is not terrible but is that all you got Opie? Damn Robert. Your gonna get you ass handed to you by this sorry ass line up? Man, it sucks to be you.

Prediction: Eagles by 7


Gougers VRS Blues
This is going to be the closest of all the matches this week. Gougers made a nice pick up with Coffee. I think that kid will perform well. The Blues are starting Palmer which is a great move. He is going to light it up against the Browns.
Overall I think Gougers have the better talent.
Prediction: Gougers win this by 3



Poopflingers VRS LBNL
Can the Poopflingers remain undefeated? Well DUH! That’s a no brainer this week. LBNL doesn’t have a prayer with that sorry ass lineup. If you ask me I think this one shouldn’t count.
Tell you what Lou. Make things fair. Bench half you team and spot LBNL 50.

Prediction: Poopflingers win this by 20

Bling ‘er I mean Boozers VRS Shmartipants
Boy did I put some wicked voodoo on you last week or what Anita? I’ll cut you some slack this week because .. well how do I put this nicely? Well there is no good way to put it….YOU SUCK!. You suck so bad even the Eagle Smashers could kick your butt this week. You suck so bad I suggest you change your team name to Hoover.
Mr. Bling is going to shine this week
Prediction: Boozers win by 7




Morons VRS Brew Crew:
I finally figured out why that Trojan is winking all the time. He is doing his condom imitation. Are you trying to give this one away or what Chris? Common Dude. Don’t lay down yet! Save that for the week you play me.
The Morons are projected to win this one big time but I don’t see it. Anyone with a receiver with the fag name of Percy deserves to get caught with their pants down. Watch your back door Bob. The Trojans will come from behind. If you know what I mean.
Prediiction: Brew Crew wins this by 3 and he will have a total score of 69.



My Twisters VRS The Maulers

The Maulers are taking over the controls and will be driving the short bus themselves. Don’t get all happy now Gabe. You forget. That means you have a retard in the drivers seat and your smashing head on into a brick wall

Prediction.: Twisters win by 7 and get to take the bag off this week

Twatif?

For those of you unfamiliar with Twitter, it is a microblogging site that allows you to post messages about anything that you want. The only condition is that you are limited to 140 characters.

Had to share this video because it posed the question - what if you were limited to 140 characters in real life?

Week 3 Predictions

Week 3 Predictions

How the hell did I get talked into doing these predictions? This has turned out to be a real jinx. Last week I had to open my big mouth and spout off about the Boozers and Brew Crew. Yup, me and my big mouth. I predicted they would tie for the low score of the week. Boy did that backfire! Not only could have either of them spanked my team but just to put the frosting on the cake I got the low score of the week with a miserable 43 points. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if that turns out to be the low score of the season. Oh, the shame, the shame of it all. I should have known better than to put down my future fellow AA buddies.

Well things will be different this week. I’m turning a new leaf. Yup, it’s a reinvented Timmy the Greek. I will restrain myself from here on out.. Nothing but supportive, positive, sweet, coo coo butt, kiss ass talk about all my Fantasy Football comrades. So, here it goes… on to the predictions.


LBNL VRS Brew Crew.
Eli Manning…. Uhm…..well….uhm….Elis is gonna…….uhm…do……uhm….he is…..uh… Aw COMMON! You guys can’t seriously expect me to play nice here can you? I mean look! It’s friggin Eli Titty Babby Manning! SCREW IT! Just friggin screw it! I just can’t do it folks! I just can’t do it. How can I work on my kiss up skills when this clown is the first one up? You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink! In this case you can’t step in crap and not spread it around!

Brew Crew has half his line up that is all banged up. Note: Eli has been “banged” also but not in the same way, if you know what I mean.
But I transgress.. where was I? Oh yeah…Brew crew’s team is all banged up but he will still spank LBNL. But that is OK because Eli loves a good spanking. He gets some coddling and titty milk afterwards to make it all better.
Prediction: Brew Crew wins a close one


Boozers VRS Demons:
Boozers has Peyton Manning but Demons has Regie Wayne who will be the recipient of all Manning’s TD passes. That is a wash. Then lookie here…Demons has Trent Edwards and Boozers has T.O. That will be a wash too because T.O. will drop every TD pass Edwards attempts so neither will get squat. Afterwards T.O will be crying on national television with his typical complaint that a couple balls were thrown to other receivers. If T.O. would be given the opportunity to drop every pass that Trent threw then they would have won.

I have a feeling the difference in this game will be Felix Jones and DeAngelo Williams. I don’t see Boozers being able to overcome that rushing combo.
Prediction: Demons wins a good one.

Shmartipants VRS Gougers:
Gougers are projected to win this one but let me say just one thing…DREW BREES! Man oh man! That guy is on fire this year! He has so many weapons! He is unstoppable. You better put aside all that crap you learned in church as a child Anita. This guy will be your savior this year.
Then lookie here… Ronnie Brown! Another major force. Boldin, STUD! Sims-Walker, nice pick up! Tell me girl… just how the hell did you loose last week?
Face it Gougers. Your up against a ball buster this week and unless you have some granite cahoonas you will be shooting blanks the rest of your life.
Prediction: Ball busters ‘er I mean Shmartipants win by 7 or more


Poopflingers VRS The Blues:
Here is all I got to say about this one…Here’s mud in your eye Blues. At least your gonna wish it was mud.
Prediction: Poopflingers by 10

Maullers VRS the ….. still can’t say it. The team with no name.
God Opie! You gotta change that name! You do know that your idolizing a team that has never won the big one don’t you? So what, you guys put the hurt on my Boys one time. Whoopie! You shot your load now quit fantasizing and get back to the real world.
Maullers are it! This boy has got himself a team. He will pluck your feathers and you will be a ugly naked ass bird with nothing left to strut so go sit on an egg Opie!
Prediction: Maulers win this by 2 TD’s or more

Twister VRS The Morons:
It’s the Brothers Bowl once again! One of us is gonna be 2-1 after this match up and I’m gonna do all I can not to screw this one up. The best I can do to help this is to watch the jinx factor so I’m gonna leave it at that.
Well I would except…Bob, Is there really an NFL player out there with the name Percy? Give me a break! I wouldn’t pick up that guy just because of that name. Gee wiz! Percy! How queer is that?
Prediction: Twisters win a close one

Week 2 Predictions

Not a lot of time before game time so I need to be quick about it this week.
Last week I got 4 out of 6. I should have had 5 out of 6 but the Poopflingers pulled one outta his butt. Go figure that! Lets see if I can do better this week.

Gougers VRS Demons:
Gougers got lucky last week. I would say that aint happening 2 weeks in a row but the Demons have Trent Edwards in his line up. What the hell is the matter with you Robert?
Prediction: Gouger win this by a hair.

Shmartipants VRS Poopflingers:
Like the doctor said when I as born ... "this ones gonna get ugly".
Shmartipants wins this big even thogh the predictions don't reflect it.

Blues VRS Brew Crew:
Flaco against Sanchez. Now there is a snoozer! I don't know how to call this one. This is a question of who does worse.
Prediction: We're gonna have a tie early this season and both will be the low score of the week.

Boozer VRS Opie:
Both of these teams look solid this week but I think Boozers have the edge. Peyton is gonna have a big game gainst Miami and that will make all the difference.
Prediction: Boozers win by 7 or more.

Morons VRS Maulers:
Get ready for a beating Bob. The Maulers are gonna chew you up. They look too strong.
Prediction: Maulers win this by 14 or more and have the high score of the week.

Twisters VRS LBNL:
Is anybody out there? Hello? Pete? Testing, testing?
Prediction: Twisters win by 7

Free Advice from Timmy the Greek

Lessons on the Stimulus bill:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Japan?
A. Duhh!

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)
Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

Week 1 Predictions

Whoo Hoo! Football is back! It has been such a long drought. I’m sooo elated that it is football season that I can’t even think of a single rant for this first week, Guess I’ll just have to go right into the predictions.

Sure hope you all have a morbid curiosity because your gonna whitness some train wrecks this week.

Chitown VRS Brew Crew.
First thing I need to say is Brew Crew…you gotta dump that gay Trojan and get yourself a real avatar. We can’t go a whole season looking at that winking condom. I found the perfect avitar for you. Do the league a favor and use it.

Almost 1/4 of Chitowns projected points come from Drew Brees. Go figure. He’s up against lowly Detroit this week. Get used to this folks. Anyone matched up against Detroit is going to be projected sky high. I wonder how long it will be before the Lions ever get a win. Any bets folks?
Chitown is looking good at WR and defense but her running backs aint blowing nothing up the Trojans skirt. Now the Brew Crew looks great at RB and his WR’s are OK but his D is a bunch of scrubs. Eagles D. Are you kidding me? And what is Palmer doing as your starting QB? Do you actually believe all the hype on this guy? I don’t buy it for a minute.
Prediction: Brew Crew, your keg is tapped and it’s blowing nothing but foam. Chitown is winning this by double digits.

Gougers VRS Da Boozers
What the hell Boozers? Two San Fran WR’s???? You been hitting that hill country hooch or what? Turf Toe T.O.? HA! He’s gonna be a bust this year with his hurt toe and that bum of a QB throwing to him. Ray Rice as a running back? You kidding me? Baltimore was undecided on starting running backs the entire 2008 season. What makes you think they have a clue this year? I wouldn’t put a Ravens RB in my line up if you paid me. All you have going for you is Portis and Manning (the right Manning). You know dude you really shouldn’t be panning between fantasy football and porn while doing a live draft. It’s hard to make good decisions when all that blood is flowing to the head. You are so screwed this year Bud but at least you stuck with that killer team name.
Now don’t shoot your load just yet Gougers. Your just a one week wonder due to the match ups this particular week. Yeah Rivers will have a good game against Oakland but only because that Raiders D is lousy. Don’t think for a minute that Rivers will put up points but a couple times this year. Roddy White will have a great game against Miami. Duh! Brandon Jocobs will get goal line TD or two off Washington but that big tree trunk will go down with injuries early in the season and be dead weight on your roster. That Baltimore D will score good this week only because they are up against KC. Sorry to say it Bubba but you will have a stellar week one but it goes down hill fast after that.
Prediction: Gougers will win this by at least 7 points.

OxyMorons VRS Eagles 44 …whatever!
What a couple dumb ass team names! Guys, if that is all the imagination you have I gotta tell you, it’s going to be a long year. Especially you Opie. I can’t even bring myself to recognizing that name. I’m just gonna call this as I see it. Morons VRS Birdbrains.
Ochocinco! Are you serious? I guess Birbrains is appropriate after all because Arron Rogers throws plenty of ducks. Just look at your roster, the rest of them are a bunch of pigeons. Your goose is cooked Daffy Duck!
Now, look at your competition Birdbrains. Tom Brady, Roy Williams, Pierre Thomas and a full complement of defensive killers. Now that is how you draft. Need I say more?
Prediction: The Morons win this one by double digits. That means a goose egg for you Birdbrain. Get used to seeing that big 0 in the win column because it’s going to be there for a while Tweety.

Dallas Demons VRS The Deadly Poopflingers.
Anita warned me that you could sling it Lou so I guess that is an appropriate name for your team. Come to think of it your QB choice is just as appropriate for that name. Shaub is gonna be slinging crap all over the field this year. I gotta hand it to you though. You do have some good studs. Randy Moss, Eddie Royal and Jones Drew are all good choices. Edwards could be if he put super glue on his finger tips. That guy couldn’t catch the clap from a 5 dollar whore. And Beanie Wells? Who the hell is that? Beanie? Who would give their kid a stupid name like Beanie? GOOD GOD! What the hell is this world coming too?
Demons have a stellar RB line up. Felix Jones is going to light it up this year.
DeAngelo Williams is going to rack up the big time yards and TD’s again this year. Mark my words folks. I think the Demons could kick every ones butt with those 2 running backs alone.
This is one match up I thing the Yahoo projections screwed up big time.
Prediction: Demons win this by 7.

Last But Not Least LBNL) VRS The Maulers
Now who the hell would draft Eli Manning in the first round? Pete, Pete, Pete, what am I going to do with you Bud? You could have easily picked up that wannabe QB in the 5th round or latter. You did do well by picking up Marion the Barbarion and Steve Smith but they wont be enough to carry you to victory. You better keep a close eye out for replacements because your gonna need ‘em.
Maulers appears to have had a good draft. Too bad 1/2 of his studs will go down early in the season with injuries. Warner, Colston, Berrian and Gates are all injury prone and / or prune eating old farts. The Maullers will start out hot but it wont last long. I predict by week 5 the Maullers will be desperate to pick up any available scrub and he will remain number 12 on the waiver wire all year.
Prediction: Maullers win this one by double digits.

Brown Count Blues VRS my Texas Twisters.
Blues is going with McNabb as his QB. Strike one. Then he has a Detroit WR and a Detroit RB. Strike two! Lee Evans as another WR. FOUL! Jets defense? Strike three and your outta there!
Tony Romo will be on fire against Tampa. Steve Slaton, Lendale White and Lance More. These three guys alone will out score your whole roster. Butter that ass dude cause your toast.
Prediction: Twisters win this by 9

Wouldn't You Want This Man's Life

Having been in this league for several years now, I've come to learn a lot about each one of you. Well, maybe not *a lot*, but I've certainly learned enough. I've learned that some of you appreciate a good beer now and then. And some of you appreciate a beer more than anything else, including sleep, a hot shower, sex (with another human being), etc. So the article about Jim Koch (founder and brewer of Sam Adams) and his life might interest you.

Article: http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/ellen-mcgirt/strike-indicator/master-class-drinking-and-sales-jim-koch-takes-us-beer-school?partner=homepage_newsletter

The Banter Blog Gets Revamped

It's a new season, so I found a new look for the blog. If you haven't noticed yet, at the top in the header is a Twitter update from our one and only Commish. Everything works just as it did before. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to post them here. If you have any questions on how to work with Blogger, click on the label named "Blogger basics".

Good luck, all, and have a great season!

Final Standings 2008